Heart of Hardness

Something I had always wondered at is the bit about God hardening Pharaoh's heart in Exodus 9:12, and again when Pharaoh chose to pursue the fleeing Israelites.  What does this mean?  How can someone's heart be hardened?

"Hardness of heart is a figurative expression, denoting that insensibility of mind upon which neither judgments nor mercies make any abiding impressions; but the conscience being stupefied, the obdurate rebel persists in determined disobedience."

 Uhm, I think this dictionary quote means you are going to do, what you are going to do and neither logic nor reality is going to change your mind.

I saw this once, many years ago when I was in college.  My favorite uncle worked for United Airlines as a mechanic and he was laid off.  And being an aircraft and powerplant mechanic meant there was nothing to do job wise because it is a fairly small field of opportunity.  He did auto repairs, did work for many different shops doing their machining for them but he could not make ends meet.  So he went to have a talk with his wife.

I came over a few days later and he was standing there in the shop drilling holes in a piece of bar stock and I asked him what was up.  And he told about how they were broke and he could not generate enough money to pay for their mortgage, and the talk he had with his wife.  Seems he had asked her to take a part time job, just for a few months to get them past the problem.  But, her reactions was, "Well, you are the man, it is your responsibility to earn enough to pay for what we have ... "

And something in my uncle snapped and he stopped, just standing there, staring out the window back towards his house, "Why would she be so unwilling to help us meet expenses ... "  I quiet left to ponder this myself.  Certainly she had worked in the past, before they had children she had been an executive secretary, back when that meant something dollar-wise.  Why would she say something like that?

Across the next five years I watched my uncle's heart harden towards her, to the point that live or die, she no longer meant anything to him - she was a stranger, just a roommate whom he supported.  And he watched as she turned both of their children against him.  By the time of the divorce, she was stunned he could be so vain as to believe he could make a decision without her permission.  And he just wanted his tools and to have nothing to ever do with her again.  Obviously, the problem occurred long before the question of her ever working.

Pharaoh, my favorite uncle and an aunt whom I loved very much, all shared the same problem: hardness of heart.  So, now I could understand this reference from the Bible.  I had observed its birth in two of my favorite people.

So, 2009 came into my life and with it the dysfunction which stole Gaelic Girl from my life.  She went crazy, everyone whom observed her could verify that and I tried to help, but it was not help she wanted.  By 2012, live or die, Gaelic Girl no longer mattered in my life.  I still tried to help her but there was just no way to because I had died long ago in her mind.

And Monday night she attacked yet again.  The reason is really unimportant, this happens so often and I generally end up sucking on Nitro pills or in ER for days as they try to stabilize my heart again.  So I am expecting to end up back in ER within hours or days if I can not do something to control my stress levels and heart quickly (prayer item here guys!).  And I got to thinking about Pharaoh this morning.

GG's attack was really much in line with my aunt's on my uncle, a massive display of ego and vanity declaring the other incapable of choice or decision without them.  And Pharaoh considered his step-brother, Moses, demented to have listened to another god than Egypt's.

Hardness of heart towards your fellow man is to lift yourself above them and to "know" what is right or wrong for them, independent of them.  They have no validity, only your opinion matters, you are always right.  And I thought on this.

Hardness of heart towards God, is to lift yourself above your Creator and to "know" right from wrong independent of Him or His input on any matter.  God has no validity, only your opinion matters, you are always right, you have no actual need for Him.

This morning, I can understand this concept for the first time. And now I understand that what came between GG and I, came long before 2009.  What came first was a hardening of her heart towards God, then in her relationships with others, eventually even me.  Oh sure she still blames me for everything going haywire in our relationship, but it does not matter.  I can clearly see for the first time in a long time this morning ...  If only had most of my blog prior to 2009, I might have a better clue as to what happened in her life.


Pharaoh, my uncle, my aunt, GG and probably many others in my life, hardened their hearts towards those whom had been close in their lives, but first they cut God out of the picture.  Certainly, standing there in his metal shop, my uncle had walked away from God, not actually to return even 30+ years later.

Seeing this, I can understand in my own life how circumstance in our lives can effect our relationship with God.  I really do not want to ever find that in my heart I have hardened it towards anyone.  Even in Monday's three hour attack by GG, all I could really feel was sorry for her.  If only she could listen to her words and see that everything she was saying was true about her and not me, but she will never listen to me ever again, she stopped that a decade ago but whom could have thought it important at the time?

And my challenge, I now understand, is to rectify my relationship towards God, for I believe it has taken a beating across this past year ...