I came to America in August 1969.
Not a good time to arrive,
Nor to set off to see the country,
Nor to move to South Carolina.
And this song,
About a young man finding "his" flower girl
Really spoke to my inner being.
That was 1966 and I was but a very confused young man -
Far from home,
Far from knowing where it should have been!
And surrounded by liars ...
I never wanted a female for anything,
But I when I heard this song in 1972,
Yeah a flower girl would be just about right !
And there was such in my life.
All she ever wanted was to just rest my head in her lap,
Comb my hair,
And weave lawn daisies into my hair.
Certainly she won the
"Wants nothing from Kris" award!
And we would talk,
Openly and freely!.
How I have missed you, Donna Feather,
through the years!
Everyone should have had as good a friend you were to me!
Showing posts with label Love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Love. Show all posts
August 10, 2019
December 11, 2018
God's Love
1 John 4:7-21
The Love of God
He loves us,
Not because we love Him,
Because He is love.
God is love.
Those born of God are God's children.
God loves His children.
His children love Him in return.
We are to love like God.
Anyone can love what is lovely.
Everyone will find value in what they love.
You create value where there was none.
Take His Love in!
Live His Love
We love because He first loved us!
God initiates love.
We imitate God and His love.
In the early Church (aka The Way), Love is what set Christians apart from Roman Culture.
Christians rebuilding the Provence of Asia, following devastating floods, stunned the Roman world.
Wonder why the 21st century Christian Church is dying?
Because we are not loving one another,
Much less the world, we are to witness to, around us.
How to Love:
Listen
Speak
Give
Pray
Answer
Share
Enjoy
Trust
Forgive
Promise
Give Up Fear!
Fear kills love.
Love conquers fear, if you will let it!
But, they you will have to drop your stigmas to do so .....
The Love of God
He loves us,
Not because we love Him,
Because He is love.
God is love.
Those born of God are God's children.
God loves His children.
His children love Him in return.
We are to love like God.
Anyone can love what is lovely.
Everyone will find value in what they love.
You create value where there was none.
Take His Love in!
Live His Love
We love because He first loved us!
God initiates love.
We imitate God and His love.
In the early Church (aka The Way), Love is what set Christians apart from Roman Culture.
Christians rebuilding the Provence of Asia, following devastating floods, stunned the Roman world.
Wonder why the 21st century Christian Church is dying?
Because we are not loving one another,
Much less the world, we are to witness to, around us.
How to Love:
Listen
Speak
Give
Pray
Answer
Share
Enjoy
Trust
Forgive
Promise
Give Up Fear!
Fear kills love.
Love conquers fear, if you will let it!
But, they you will have to drop your stigmas to do so .....
September 5, 2018
How Do We Know
In spite of European history, or our own tendencies, we are to be people of LOVE not hate.
Just the fact that the world sees our history as one of hate shows how far we have allowed our faith to be high-jacked but the despots of history!
When we ALLOW someone to wear a representation of our faith, without public comment, whom espouses violence or an immoral lifestyle ..... well there you have our problem.
And the world sees a Madonna with a sinful lifestyle, and she becomes our poster child.
Or some intolerant bigot shooting people, yet a member of a fringe "christian" group.
Or a mysterious bomber killing people whom he does not agree with.
Or a pastor whose whore-mongering lifestyle has been exposed.
Or me.
Or you ......
Yeah we miss the target of our faith.
More ot lessor extent.
We fail.
LOVE is to be our faith in action ...
1 John 2:7-11
It Is Old and It Is New
Love your neighbor as yourself.
Darn hard to do at times!
But, in Jesus, you can do this!
Jesus demonstrated love - at a whole new level.
It Is Love or Hate
John, sees the issue as being black or white.
You either love someone or you hate them.
Aaaaaack!
I have a great many I would state as being in a grey area.
Hate according to John.
You are either seeking the best for all in Jesus or you are hating.
We are to see people as family or not.
Love is not "liking".
Does not ignore the past.
Is not given to the deserving only.
It Is Light or It Is Darkness
are you known for what you hate?
Or for love?
Hate can not drive out hate.
Only love can.
Pride, selfishness,petty arguments and ingratitude block the light of God.
And, light is supposed to be what we reflect into the lives of those around us ...
(this why I love John - he continually challenges me)
Just the fact that the world sees our history as one of hate shows how far we have allowed our faith to be high-jacked but the despots of history!
When we ALLOW someone to wear a representation of our faith, without public comment, whom espouses violence or an immoral lifestyle ..... well there you have our problem.
And the world sees a Madonna with a sinful lifestyle, and she becomes our poster child.
Or some intolerant bigot shooting people, yet a member of a fringe "christian" group.
Or a mysterious bomber killing people whom he does not agree with.
Or a pastor whose whore-mongering lifestyle has been exposed.
Or me.
Or you ......
Yeah we miss the target of our faith.
More ot lessor extent.
We fail.
LOVE is to be our faith in action ...
1 John 2:7-11
It Is Old and It Is New
Love your neighbor as yourself.
Darn hard to do at times!
But, in Jesus, you can do this!
Jesus demonstrated love - at a whole new level.
It Is Love or Hate
John, sees the issue as being black or white.
You either love someone or you hate them.
Aaaaaack!
I have a great many I would state as being in a grey area.
Hate according to John.
You are either seeking the best for all in Jesus or you are hating.
We are to see people as family or not.
Love is not "liking".
Does not ignore the past.
Is not given to the deserving only.
It Is Light or It Is Darkness
are you known for what you hate?
Or for love?
Hate can not drive out hate.
Only love can.
Pride, selfishness,petty arguments and ingratitude block the light of God.
And, light is supposed to be what we reflect into the lives of those around us ...
(this why I love John - he continually challenges me)
July 10, 2018
Interesting Week
Synopses:
Kris is a worry-wart and all went well.
So:
Kris flies to Denver.
No, if Kris is involved, disaster must shadow him!
Spent the night witrh one of my kids from 1976!
Drove down to Florence.
Met up with my sister.
And hilarity ensued.
Then on to Westcliff, arriving at my predicted 4:00 - to the second!
The whole family and extended family were all there.
About forty came.
In spite of my concerns, everyone was well behaved.
And mostly sober.
And everyone went home in good moods
.Don't worry, lots of stories to follow!
But, I am utterly exhausted .....
Kris is a worry-wart and all went well.
So:
Kris flies to Denver.
No, if Kris is involved, disaster must shadow him!
Spent the night witrh one of my kids from 1976!
Drove down to Florence.
Met up with my sister.
And hilarity ensued.
Then on to Westcliff, arriving at my predicted 4:00 - to the second!
The whole family and extended family were all there.
About forty came.
In spite of my concerns, everyone was well behaved.
And mostly sober.
And everyone went home in good moods
.Don't worry, lots of stories to follow!
But, I am utterly exhausted .....
May 1, 2018
Grace
One of those touchy topics where you would be darn tested to find in the Bible, and yet it is a valid doctrine.
So, no direct references to talk from.
Read Genesis 1
What Is It?
"God's Riches At Christ's Expense"
But this limits Grace to the cross only!
"Undeserved love (goodness, kindness, forgiveness, etc)
"Love when you are unlovable."
"One way love - you have nothing to offer in return."
There are no demands made upon you to do anything for it.
Offered to everyone, no matter their/yours/my sin!
Where is it found?
The proof of Grace is found throughout the Bible.
In the characters of the greats of the Bible.
We find it in stories, not in doctrine.
Think of Samson, David, Paul, Peter, etc!
All were just like you and me.
All failed.
All were given Grace.
None of them deserved it.
Seen In A Garden
Creation left us with variety.
Not for God's pleasure, but ours.
We were given control of, not for destruction, but to enjoy.
All of life can be viewed as a gift of God.
And Grace makes religion compassionate!
So, no direct references to talk from.
Read Genesis 1
What Is It?
"God's Riches At Christ's Expense"
But this limits Grace to the cross only!
"Undeserved love (goodness, kindness, forgiveness, etc)
"Love when you are unlovable."
"One way love - you have nothing to offer in return."
There are no demands made upon you to do anything for it.
Offered to everyone, no matter their/yours/my sin!
Where is it found?
The proof of Grace is found throughout the Bible.
In the characters of the greats of the Bible.
We find it in stories, not in doctrine.
Think of Samson, David, Paul, Peter, etc!
All were just like you and me.
All failed.
All were given Grace.
None of them deserved it.
Seen In A Garden
Creation left us with variety.
Not for God's pleasure, but ours.
We were given control of, not for destruction, but to enjoy.
All of life can be viewed as a gift of God.
And Grace makes religion compassionate!
July 31, 2017
Son
Son became a Christian in sixth grade.
And he changed from a hard heart into a young man with a very sensitive spirit.
I had high hopes for him.
But it was only a matter of months before Satan had snared him solid.
By the time I figured it out ... it was far to late.
So son's path through life has been rough to say the least!
He continues to struggle - fighting any suggestion that living life as a pagan is not okay with God!
But then, according to him: God does not exist!
So, as can be expected he got yet another correction to his path .....
A very upset Ivan (pronounced Yvonne) appeared at the door on Friday evening.
This is the third time he and girlfriend have broken up this year.
A week later they get back together.
Sigh ....
I told him to think real hard this time.
And it is hard for me.
He wants to talk.
But my mind is gone.
With Swede's help I recalled some for son.
But it only angered him.
And anger is his fuse.
I expect something really stupid by the end of the week.
Unless God intervenes.
I can only pray.
And memories swarmed my mind last night.
Of those I have loved - and lost.
And why.
But, thanks to the amnesia, I have no ability to know whom or reality from fiction.
Yet, I remembered enough to relate to being with a psycho-hose beast ...
Sigh
I can only pray for son.
He listens to no one unfortunately.
So life must be done the hard way.
And it does not have to be this way ........
And he changed from a hard heart into a young man with a very sensitive spirit.
I had high hopes for him.
But it was only a matter of months before Satan had snared him solid.
By the time I figured it out ... it was far to late.
So son's path through life has been rough to say the least!
He continues to struggle - fighting any suggestion that living life as a pagan is not okay with God!
But then, according to him: God does not exist!
So, as can be expected he got yet another correction to his path .....
A very upset Ivan (pronounced Yvonne) appeared at the door on Friday evening.
This is the third time he and girlfriend have broken up this year.
A week later they get back together.
Sigh ....
I told him to think real hard this time.
And it is hard for me.
He wants to talk.
But my mind is gone.
With Swede's help I recalled some for son.
But it only angered him.
And anger is his fuse.
I expect something really stupid by the end of the week.
Unless God intervenes.
I can only pray.
And memories swarmed my mind last night.
Of those I have loved - and lost.
And why.
But, thanks to the amnesia, I have no ability to know whom or reality from fiction.
Yet, I remembered enough to relate to being with a psycho-hose beast ...
Sigh
I can only pray for son.
He listens to no one unfortunately.
So life must be done the hard way.
And it does not have to be this way ........
October 19, 2016
With Apologies Emily
"When the Best is gone -
I know that other things are not of consequence -
The Heart wants what it wants -
or else it does not care -
You wonder why I write so -
Because I cannot help -
I like to have you know some care -
so when your life gets faint for it's other life -
you can lean -
I wont break.
We look very small -
but the Reed can carry weight.
Not to see what we love, is very terrible -
and talking -
does'nt ease it -
and nothing does -
but just itself.
The Eyes and Hair, we chose -
are all there are -
to us -
Is'nt it so?
I often wonder how the love of Christ, is done -
when that -
below -
holds -
so -"
Emily Dickinson
So Emily Dickinson wrote this in the Spring of 1862 to her friend, attempting to console her. I know when I first read this, I was maddened at her failure to complete any thought - but then, perhaps the thought did not need to be completed. Maybe it was understood for they were like minded.
The heart wants what the heart wants, a phrase which has echoed though my mind this year. How does one explain the desire of the heart? It will abhor what it will, it will be drawn equally inexplicably to what it desires. (No, we are not talking desire of the mind or corruption, but real desire in the realm of eternal values.) If you are honest, no, you are not going to override it or force an issue permanently one way or another. Yes, you can over-ride and hide from your heart's desire and what you know/knew to be true and right. But, the truth will be known in your heart ... and you can not hide from it. It will visit you in the wee hours ...
And we really do not like having our heart known - and then fear those whom do know.
One heart is but part of an equation. When there are no other parts, there is no satisfaction. If the heart was honest, there is no understanding as to why it is suddenly alone.
Emily wrote this to her friend Mary to console her at a loss. And it has taken much thought to decipher the context and meaning of this verse. Then it struck me last week:
Emily is telling her that she will help her bear her burdens,
If she will share them.
Emily tells her that the day will come when life grows weak,
And she will be there for her.
Then given this situation,
How much more so is the Love of God for each of us?
And I thought on this ... Emily, as far as I know, never married - but did have a special man in her life whom she could not marry. So, she understood the plight of the heart - to know what should be, yet was unobtainable. To know joy and then separation, over and over, repeatably.
Emily Dickinson was just a boring 19th century poet, something old Kris had no use for - nor understanding of. And now, I see and I understand, but more so, I have gained a new respect for her.
It changes nothing in my life, other than to know in the history of mankind - I am not alone ...
I know that other things are not of consequence -
The Heart wants what it wants -
or else it does not care -
You wonder why I write so -
Because I cannot help -
I like to have you know some care -
so when your life gets faint for it's other life -
you can lean -
I wont break.
We look very small -
but the Reed can carry weight.
Not to see what we love, is very terrible -
and talking -
does'nt ease it -
and nothing does -
but just itself.
The Eyes and Hair, we chose -
are all there are -
to us -
Is'nt it so?
I often wonder how the love of Christ, is done -
when that -
below -
holds -
so -"
Emily Dickinson
So Emily Dickinson wrote this in the Spring of 1862 to her friend, attempting to console her. I know when I first read this, I was maddened at her failure to complete any thought - but then, perhaps the thought did not need to be completed. Maybe it was understood for they were like minded.
The heart wants what the heart wants, a phrase which has echoed though my mind this year. How does one explain the desire of the heart? It will abhor what it will, it will be drawn equally inexplicably to what it desires. (No, we are not talking desire of the mind or corruption, but real desire in the realm of eternal values.) If you are honest, no, you are not going to override it or force an issue permanently one way or another. Yes, you can over-ride and hide from your heart's desire and what you know/knew to be true and right. But, the truth will be known in your heart ... and you can not hide from it. It will visit you in the wee hours ...
And we really do not like having our heart known - and then fear those whom do know.
One heart is but part of an equation. When there are no other parts, there is no satisfaction. If the heart was honest, there is no understanding as to why it is suddenly alone.
Emily wrote this to her friend Mary to console her at a loss. And it has taken much thought to decipher the context and meaning of this verse. Then it struck me last week:
Emily is telling her that she will help her bear her burdens,
If she will share them.
Emily tells her that the day will come when life grows weak,
And she will be there for her.
Then given this situation,
How much more so is the Love of God for each of us?
And I thought on this ... Emily, as far as I know, never married - but did have a special man in her life whom she could not marry. So, she understood the plight of the heart - to know what should be, yet was unobtainable. To know joy and then separation, over and over, repeatably.
Emily Dickinson was just a boring 19th century poet, something old Kris had no use for - nor understanding of. And now, I see and I understand, but more so, I have gained a new respect for her.
It changes nothing in my life, other than to know in the history of mankind - I am not alone ...
August 26, 2016
Better Off Dead
Oh ugh, Wednesday had such a bad start!
No fears, I will not tell you about it, no one would believe that tale!
I barely do!
But, I got up, switched on the TV and there was a very familiar movie playing. Yeah, "Better Off Dead", one of my favorites as the old Kris - so I sat back to watch.
Good Lord! Someone whom must have known my life in high school, wrote the story of my messed up teenage years!
There are differences for sure:
Cusack has a father at home - mine was missing in action
His mother was a lovable loonie - mine was literally insane, then disappeared
He had an obnoxious brother - mine was a gifted sister
His dead car was a Camaro - mine was an Austin Healy
He had a girlfriend before the French girl - Helen was my first girlfriend (still do not know why though!)
He made the big race and won - I tore every tendon and ligament in both legs
He drove his Camaro home - mine never did run
But, yeah that movie was the story of my high school years, with very minor differences, as noted above!
And I got to thinking about those days and how utterly clueless I was about life, the universe and everything. Most teenagers are, but I was way behind the curve on that score, and for most of my life! I can only testify that in the last few years have I been awaken to reality - a reality I really did not want to meet head on. Whom could have predicted such pain from being clueless? Yeah, anyone with a brain and not behind the curve. Sigh ....
So, interestingly, a movie from my past I still like and laughed over even today.
As for the rest of Wednesday - oh ugh ... may I not have to live through that again! Satan has a way of always attacking weak links - and mine goes off with regularity. Unnecessary ugliness, things said which are uncalled for - and in the end it is always my fault .....
And it brought some surprises as well - so completely unexpected! I will tell you more on Monday!
No fears, I will not tell you about it, no one would believe that tale!
I barely do!
But, I got up, switched on the TV and there was a very familiar movie playing. Yeah, "Better Off Dead", one of my favorites as the old Kris - so I sat back to watch.
Good Lord! Someone whom must have known my life in high school, wrote the story of my messed up teenage years!
There are differences for sure:
Cusack has a father at home - mine was missing in action
His mother was a lovable loonie - mine was literally insane, then disappeared
He had an obnoxious brother - mine was a gifted sister
His dead car was a Camaro - mine was an Austin Healy
He had a girlfriend before the French girl - Helen was my first girlfriend (still do not know why though!)
He made the big race and won - I tore every tendon and ligament in both legs
He drove his Camaro home - mine never did run
But, yeah that movie was the story of my high school years, with very minor differences, as noted above!
And I got to thinking about those days and how utterly clueless I was about life, the universe and everything. Most teenagers are, but I was way behind the curve on that score, and for most of my life! I can only testify that in the last few years have I been awaken to reality - a reality I really did not want to meet head on. Whom could have predicted such pain from being clueless? Yeah, anyone with a brain and not behind the curve. Sigh ....
So, interestingly, a movie from my past I still like and laughed over even today.
As for the rest of Wednesday - oh ugh ... may I not have to live through that again! Satan has a way of always attacking weak links - and mine goes off with regularity. Unnecessary ugliness, things said which are uncalled for - and in the end it is always my fault .....
And it brought some surprises as well - so completely unexpected! I will tell you more on Monday!
July 26, 2016
Can You Love Too Much?
Love was a rare commodity in the Roman world. Sex, in its many perversions, was the only real prevailing understanding of anything to do with 'love' - "what can I get from you?", yeah, that is about it. Actually, it is not far from where the world is returning to in this day and age - with just faint flickering of an older understanding of love still popping up - just enough to confuse a world sold out to itself.
And along comes Jesus and He is talking about a different kind of love, love where "what can I do for you" is the driving force. What does it take for me to prove to you, that you are first in my life? A revolutionary thought that was to change the world Rome understood!
Mark 14:1-11
Love Does Not Count The Cost
There is nothing convenient about love.
The woman intruded into a man's domain.
She brought nard, an expensive fragrance.
She did not have to do this.
She was not asked to do this.
She did not have to use so much!
Love Appears Wasteful
To those whom do not understand, whom do not love the same!
She was scolded by Judas (according to John).
The selflessness of the woman vs the selfishness of Judas.
She gave of her heart to Jesus.
Judas gave his worse to Jesus.
One Act of Love
Can make an enormous difference.
You may never know in this life the impact of your act of love is.
She is remembered for her act of love.
Prayer and touch to meet their needs, with what we have.
The personal lesson here is that we each should give to meet the needs of our brethren and God, no matter the personal cost.
Jesus was coming upon His death, He understood this, for whatever reason.
She scented him for the grave.
And that scent remained with Him through the course of His journey to the cross!
You and I have the ability to confuse the world with our witness of love, His love, for each and every human being.
And yeah, you are going to be misunderstood and condemned by those whom do not understand real Love ...
Expect it.
Then, expect God's quiet blessings ...
Yeah, no one will ever understand.
And along comes Jesus and He is talking about a different kind of love, love where "what can I do for you" is the driving force. What does it take for me to prove to you, that you are first in my life? A revolutionary thought that was to change the world Rome understood!
Mark 14:1-11
Love Does Not Count The Cost
There is nothing convenient about love.
The woman intruded into a man's domain.
She brought nard, an expensive fragrance.
She did not have to do this.
She was not asked to do this.
She did not have to use so much!
Love Appears Wasteful
To those whom do not understand, whom do not love the same!
She was scolded by Judas (according to John).
The selflessness of the woman vs the selfishness of Judas.
She gave of her heart to Jesus.
Judas gave his worse to Jesus.
One Act of Love
Can make an enormous difference.
You may never know in this life the impact of your act of love is.
She is remembered for her act of love.
Prayer and touch to meet their needs, with what we have.
The personal lesson here is that we each should give to meet the needs of our brethren and God, no matter the personal cost.
Jesus was coming upon His death, He understood this, for whatever reason.
She scented him for the grave.
And that scent remained with Him through the course of His journey to the cross!
You and I have the ability to confuse the world with our witness of love, His love, for each and every human being.
And yeah, you are going to be misunderstood and condemned by those whom do not understand real Love ...
Expect it.
Then, expect God's quiet blessings ...
Yeah, no one will ever understand.
June 28, 2016
Contending With A Millennial
A week ago I wrote about running into "Bob" and his problem with his girlfriend, "Elle". A problem to which there is no resolution, because it takes two to make a relationship but he is only one involved at this point. And wouldn't you know it, Elle had to talk with me as well! Like I am some sort of relationship guru ... sigh.
And I guess I have to go back to the qualification to this conversation, that I am cursed with being able to "see" people - I can only attribute this to God, because it is always about what separates people from God. Yeah, to "know" someone's heart and what it takes to draw them back to God. Sounds cool doesn't? It is not ... mostly you just want to throw up, well at least that is its affect on me.
So, Elle is seated opposite me and extremely angry that "Bob" had talked to me about the disintegration of their relationship. She is naturally defensive, even offensive through the conversation, trying to defend her behavior ... but she makes the normal Millennial mistake.
Millennial's, as a group - not everyone of them!, are narcissus by nature. No idea why but it almost seems to be a rule. The generation after them it is the rule with few exceptions! And I have little tolerance for narcissistic behavior - my father was one and I had my fill of that by age ten!
She sees no problem with her behavior, because it only affects her and is only of her concern. She is mad because I assume I have some valid viewpoint concerning anything having to do with her. Bob, also has no input into her life, choices, etc. He is just another guy that she hangs with. I point out that dating is really part of the marriage ritual of finding the perfect guy. She disagrees. It is for hanging out and seeing what is out there - having fun - sampling the wares.
"So, Elle, how do you explain playing house with Juan for a month that first year you were with Bob?"
Her face went blank, no one was supposed to know about Juan or her affair with him. It was in Chile, there was no way I could know anyone that could have known. She clears her throat nervously. Juan was a guy she hooked up with on a mission trip and destroyed any attempt at having a witness during. Satan loves to whack you when you think you have it all together, then make you think you can cover it up and hide. But, God, knows.
"He was hot, I was stupid, it was a mistake. Bob never knew ...."
Her eyes told me she wondered at how I could know and whether I had said anything to Bob or not, or whom had I told?
"Well, then what about Marc then?"
She started coughing on her coffee. Marc was a longer affair, about five months and she seriously had hoped to marry him - all the while playing with Bob as a backup candidate. And no one was supposed to know about him as well.
"Well, he was everything I was looking for in a man. Super hot, athletic and smart. But, he just did not work out."
"You realize that just like Juan, he was a player and he played you?"
"NO HE DIDN'T! I am not stupid, I know a player when I see one!"
"Is Bob a player?"
"Of course not! He is a nice boy."
"But, just not 'hot', right?"
"That has nothing to do with anything!"
"And the abortion, was that nothing as well?"
And so the conversation went for another 15 minutes. Her conversation filled with lots of the millennials favorite words, I, Me, Mine. The only point of view being valid: hers. She makes unilateral decisions affecting both her and Bob, with no concern for Bob at all. Because the only one really important to her, is her.
"So, Elle, do you want to defend your affair with Roger as well?
She is quite angry by now. I know too much. No one was supposed to know anything. She had been extremely careful. How could I know so much? Even her best friends knew nothing of Juan and Marc, much less that she had aborted her and Marc's child. It is a given that Roger might be known to some, she openly ran around with him for six months. But, no, no one in the church should have known ... especially random old Kris ... she had stayed far away from the town.
"So, can you start to see that your behavior is having a negative effect on Bob and you? You are leading Bob on, making him think that he has a chance with you but you are only interested in hot guys whom are players?"
"I am NOT STUPID! What do you think I am!"
I left that one unanswered, that is between her and God alone after all.
"The point here Elle, is that you really need to decide what it is you want in life: Bob - solid guy whom is very enamored with you; or someone else whom meets your 'hot' requirement and they will play you."
The look on her face told me all I needed to know, the thought of thinking of someone else and their needs is completely foreign to her mind. I am an alien for even thinking that she should be considering Bob and his feelings and not just her own desires ...
And now we reach the problem I already "knew". She is separated from God because she places herself first in all aspects of her life and not surprisingly it always leads straight into sin. When your eyes are on yourself and you are your own God in your life, sin is the only outcome possible. She was unable to grasp this part of the conversation either.
Remember from the talk last week with Bob, she is a 'Christian' and a regular church goer. But, for whatever the reason, she can not see that God's requirement for us to live our lives for Him and not ourselves does not even register. The idea that not falling into bed with every hot guy she meets does not register, much less that this could be sin. It is just a series of mistakes after all! And mistakes can't be sin.
I tried to turn her attention to seeking God for forgiveness, she had no real interest. She is a christian after all. Baptized and everything. Sigh. But, hey, don't think less of her, most Christians and christians have similar problems: lying, cheating, stealing, swearing by God's name. Sex is just another one of the long list of sins that separate us from God.
Unfortunately, along with murder is one of two situation which take a special concern over before God. And, I could have helped her but ... she has no desire. And no hope, because she can not understand that narcissism is not a normal point of view and separates her from God and any other feeling creatures.
She went her way, knowing I am weird, unresolved with her issues and Bob will continue to be strung along because she sees no requirement for responsibility in her relationship with him. No change is possible because she is not the problem, everyone else is ... the ultimate teflon "victim".
And once again, I walk away wondering why I even try. Why curse me with these situations God? When almost NO ONE will ever listen. But, she will go find another church where her behavior will not be condemned, where there are no judgments and she can live her life the way she wants with lots of mistakes. Sigh ...
And I think of the prophesies of the end times, people rushing around but unable to find God, where everyone does what they think is right in their own eyes ... We are seeing this coming to fruition. You can not find God when you are your own god and nothing is ever your own fault or decision. A victim culture mentality can not possibly see its own crimes before a distant and therefore unknowing god.
But, then I remember that there has been a very small minority whom have listened and God dramatically changed their lives. No credit to me, I am just the bearer of bad news that gets mocked and ignored, even hated ...... rather consistently.
And I guess I have to go back to the qualification to this conversation, that I am cursed with being able to "see" people - I can only attribute this to God, because it is always about what separates people from God. Yeah, to "know" someone's heart and what it takes to draw them back to God. Sounds cool doesn't? It is not ... mostly you just want to throw up, well at least that is its affect on me.
So, Elle is seated opposite me and extremely angry that "Bob" had talked to me about the disintegration of their relationship. She is naturally defensive, even offensive through the conversation, trying to defend her behavior ... but she makes the normal Millennial mistake.
Millennial's, as a group - not everyone of them!, are narcissus by nature. No idea why but it almost seems to be a rule. The generation after them it is the rule with few exceptions! And I have little tolerance for narcissistic behavior - my father was one and I had my fill of that by age ten!
She sees no problem with her behavior, because it only affects her and is only of her concern. She is mad because I assume I have some valid viewpoint concerning anything having to do with her. Bob, also has no input into her life, choices, etc. He is just another guy that she hangs with. I point out that dating is really part of the marriage ritual of finding the perfect guy. She disagrees. It is for hanging out and seeing what is out there - having fun - sampling the wares.
"So, Elle, how do you explain playing house with Juan for a month that first year you were with Bob?"
Her face went blank, no one was supposed to know about Juan or her affair with him. It was in Chile, there was no way I could know anyone that could have known. She clears her throat nervously. Juan was a guy she hooked up with on a mission trip and destroyed any attempt at having a witness during. Satan loves to whack you when you think you have it all together, then make you think you can cover it up and hide. But, God, knows.
"He was hot, I was stupid, it was a mistake. Bob never knew ...."
Her eyes told me she wondered at how I could know and whether I had said anything to Bob or not, or whom had I told?
"Well, then what about Marc then?"
She started coughing on her coffee. Marc was a longer affair, about five months and she seriously had hoped to marry him - all the while playing with Bob as a backup candidate. And no one was supposed to know about him as well.
"Well, he was everything I was looking for in a man. Super hot, athletic and smart. But, he just did not work out."
"You realize that just like Juan, he was a player and he played you?"
"NO HE DIDN'T! I am not stupid, I know a player when I see one!"
"Is Bob a player?"
"Of course not! He is a nice boy."
"But, just not 'hot', right?"
"That has nothing to do with anything!"
"And the abortion, was that nothing as well?"
And so the conversation went for another 15 minutes. Her conversation filled with lots of the millennials favorite words, I, Me, Mine. The only point of view being valid: hers. She makes unilateral decisions affecting both her and Bob, with no concern for Bob at all. Because the only one really important to her, is her.
"So, Elle, do you want to defend your affair with Roger as well?
She is quite angry by now. I know too much. No one was supposed to know anything. She had been extremely careful. How could I know so much? Even her best friends knew nothing of Juan and Marc, much less that she had aborted her and Marc's child. It is a given that Roger might be known to some, she openly ran around with him for six months. But, no, no one in the church should have known ... especially random old Kris ... she had stayed far away from the town.
"So, can you start to see that your behavior is having a negative effect on Bob and you? You are leading Bob on, making him think that he has a chance with you but you are only interested in hot guys whom are players?"
"I am NOT STUPID! What do you think I am!"
I left that one unanswered, that is between her and God alone after all.
"The point here Elle, is that you really need to decide what it is you want in life: Bob - solid guy whom is very enamored with you; or someone else whom meets your 'hot' requirement and they will play you."
The look on her face told me all I needed to know, the thought of thinking of someone else and their needs is completely foreign to her mind. I am an alien for even thinking that she should be considering Bob and his feelings and not just her own desires ...
And now we reach the problem I already "knew". She is separated from God because she places herself first in all aspects of her life and not surprisingly it always leads straight into sin. When your eyes are on yourself and you are your own God in your life, sin is the only outcome possible. She was unable to grasp this part of the conversation either.
Remember from the talk last week with Bob, she is a 'Christian' and a regular church goer. But, for whatever the reason, she can not see that God's requirement for us to live our lives for Him and not ourselves does not even register. The idea that not falling into bed with every hot guy she meets does not register, much less that this could be sin. It is just a series of mistakes after all! And mistakes can't be sin.
I tried to turn her attention to seeking God for forgiveness, she had no real interest. She is a christian after all. Baptized and everything. Sigh. But, hey, don't think less of her, most Christians and christians have similar problems: lying, cheating, stealing, swearing by God's name. Sex is just another one of the long list of sins that separate us from God.
Unfortunately, along with murder is one of two situation which take a special concern over before God. And, I could have helped her but ... she has no desire. And no hope, because she can not understand that narcissism is not a normal point of view and separates her from God and any other feeling creatures.
She went her way, knowing I am weird, unresolved with her issues and Bob will continue to be strung along because she sees no requirement for responsibility in her relationship with him. No change is possible because she is not the problem, everyone else is ... the ultimate teflon "victim".
And once again, I walk away wondering why I even try. Why curse me with these situations God? When almost NO ONE will ever listen. But, she will go find another church where her behavior will not be condemned, where there are no judgments and she can live her life the way she wants with lots of mistakes. Sigh ...
And I think of the prophesies of the end times, people rushing around but unable to find God, where everyone does what they think is right in their own eyes ... We are seeing this coming to fruition. You can not find God when you are your own god and nothing is ever your own fault or decision. A victim culture mentality can not possibly see its own crimes before a distant and therefore unknowing god.
But, then I remember that there has been a very small minority whom have listened and God dramatically changed their lives. No credit to me, I am just the bearer of bad news that gets mocked and ignored, even hated ...... rather consistently.
June 22, 2016
Shades of Twilight Zone
You ever have something happen so randomly, and yet so poignant with where you are? It is like God is trying to help you by getting you to help someone through the same issues you can not resolve! Of course, I no longer have a mind, so any form of issue is brand new to me! Welcome to my Twilight Zone!
So, I need some ice tea, my preferred drink of choice, and I have three Starbucks within walking distance of me. Do I want to do a one mile, two mile or three mile round trip walk? Goal is always the same: tea, and I get to exercise as well!
Walking up to the Starbucks, I see - let us call him - "Bob" in the window. Just a guy from church, I see ever so often, rarely talk to, we have nothing in common. Actually, I have yet to meet the man whom I have anything in common with!
Me: "Hey Bob, how goes it?"
He shrugs his shoulders, "It goes."
Me: "Mind if I join you?"
He shrugs, I go get my venti, black ice tea, no sweetener. And, return.
Me: "So, what is new?"
Bob: "Just got dumped. Took me a while to figure it out, but yeah, I am pretty sure I got dumped."
Me: "What happened?"
Bob: "Nothing, that is the problem. One moment all was perfect, we were in love and BLAM!, she is no longer returning calls, nor answering texts or messages. If she says anything it is just negative with no substance!" He shrugs again.
Me: "There someone else?"
Bob: "She says that there isn't, I am sure I am just not what she wants any longer."
Me: "But ....?"
Bob: "Well, yeah, I am certain she is seeing other guys, suspected it for a year. She swear there is not but there are too many signs of her heart is chasing someone but it sure is not me ..."
Bob starts crying. Lord, how I hate it when I cry in the dark much less some random guy in Starbucks.
Me: "Love her?"
Bob: "Yeah, she was the first real love I think I have ever had."
I have real issues in this area as well. So, I know I am not going to be the one to help him, but at the same time, what is any man to do in such a situation?
Me: "So she just disappeared from your life, no explanation really and you think she lies to you as well?
Bob, rolling his eyes, "Basically, but it not like she intends to lie to me, she just does it by default."
Me: "Then deceitful?"
Bob: "Well, not that she would ever admit."
I sigh, there are no easy answers in life, especially when we are dealing with love. I have no doubt he really does love her, else he would not be so broken up over this and discussing it with me in public. But anything one could say to such a situation is just hollow words, with no real meaning.
Me: "You know it took me a really long time to come to understand that no matter how much you love someone, you can not change them if they do not wish to be changed. You can not will them to keep you in their life - even if you know you are the best thing in the world for them. If their opinion could be swayed in your favor - it is only a matter of time until she will leave you again."
Bob nods his head and stares blankly out the window ...
Me: "What you can do is just pray for her, for God's will in their life - if they honestly give God any control of their life. But, in this day and age it is hard because people are so narcissistic that they can not even see another point of view much less, how they might be wrong."
Bob, looks up and his eyes are angry that I just called his love a narcissist.
Me: "But, it is true, it is the poison of this culture. It blights so many relationships and narcissism is exactly the opposite of what God calls us to be and do. Find a Christian narcissist and you just found someone whom is at the very least is nowhere near the path God would have them be on! And worse yet, they never will understand, because they will never listen, until God opens their eyes or one day they wonder, 'how on Earth did I end up here ...?' "
Bob: "Well, yeah, but she is a Christian, goes to church regularly, we both do ..."
Me: "It all goes back to wanting our 'ears tickled' with what we want to hear and most churches are more than happy to tell you what you want to hear, apply modern psychology to back themselves up and viola!, you have a boat load of Christians all headed in the wrong direction at high speed and assured that they are completely correct."
Bob: "So, I just pray for her?"
Me: "No, you also have to honestly forgive her and then you have to honestly forgive yourself!"
Bob: "But, I don't think I can get beyond this to forgive me ..."
Me: "You only forgive, not forget your love for her. Equally, you understand that she has gone somewhere else, to someone else, without you. Maybe God will call her back to you, maybe not. It takes two heart and two wills being submissive to God. You are an army of one, when you should be an army of two."
The tears are now back, sigh .....
Me: "Just remember, leave your heart soft for God's leading. He can easily replace her in your life but you have to be flexible enough to allow Him to work in this area of your life ...."
I had more I could have said more but he is now holding me in a bear hug. I am pretty sure I am going to throw up. I pat him on the back and tell him to hang in there and just let God do His thing in his life. No tearing pictures up, no dartboards with her face on it, act in love - in all things towards her ... you never know what God will do.
Except for me, because I know he got played. I had warned him three years ago but no one ever listens to me. much less to what they do not want to know. And what do I know? I am the one with no memory, nor anyone in their life ... And, God will do as He pleases, when we are yield to him and not ourselves ....
So, I need some ice tea, my preferred drink of choice, and I have three Starbucks within walking distance of me. Do I want to do a one mile, two mile or three mile round trip walk? Goal is always the same: tea, and I get to exercise as well!
Walking up to the Starbucks, I see - let us call him - "Bob" in the window. Just a guy from church, I see ever so often, rarely talk to, we have nothing in common. Actually, I have yet to meet the man whom I have anything in common with!
Me: "Hey Bob, how goes it?"
He shrugs his shoulders, "It goes."
Me: "Mind if I join you?"
He shrugs, I go get my venti, black ice tea, no sweetener. And, return.
Me: "So, what is new?"
Bob: "Just got dumped. Took me a while to figure it out, but yeah, I am pretty sure I got dumped."
Me: "What happened?"
Bob: "Nothing, that is the problem. One moment all was perfect, we were in love and BLAM!, she is no longer returning calls, nor answering texts or messages. If she says anything it is just negative with no substance!" He shrugs again.
Me: "There someone else?"
Bob: "She says that there isn't, I am sure I am just not what she wants any longer."
Me: "But ....?"
Bob: "Well, yeah, I am certain she is seeing other guys, suspected it for a year. She swear there is not but there are too many signs of her heart is chasing someone but it sure is not me ..."
Bob starts crying. Lord, how I hate it when I cry in the dark much less some random guy in Starbucks.
Me: "Love her?"
Bob: "Yeah, she was the first real love I think I have ever had."
I have real issues in this area as well. So, I know I am not going to be the one to help him, but at the same time, what is any man to do in such a situation?
Me: "So she just disappeared from your life, no explanation really and you think she lies to you as well?
Bob, rolling his eyes, "Basically, but it not like she intends to lie to me, she just does it by default."
Me: "Then deceitful?"
Bob: "Well, not that she would ever admit."
I sigh, there are no easy answers in life, especially when we are dealing with love. I have no doubt he really does love her, else he would not be so broken up over this and discussing it with me in public. But anything one could say to such a situation is just hollow words, with no real meaning.
Me: "You know it took me a really long time to come to understand that no matter how much you love someone, you can not change them if they do not wish to be changed. You can not will them to keep you in their life - even if you know you are the best thing in the world for them. If their opinion could be swayed in your favor - it is only a matter of time until she will leave you again."
Bob nods his head and stares blankly out the window ...
Me: "What you can do is just pray for her, for God's will in their life - if they honestly give God any control of their life. But, in this day and age it is hard because people are so narcissistic that they can not even see another point of view much less, how they might be wrong."
Bob, looks up and his eyes are angry that I just called his love a narcissist.
Me: "But, it is true, it is the poison of this culture. It blights so many relationships and narcissism is exactly the opposite of what God calls us to be and do. Find a Christian narcissist and you just found someone whom is at the very least is nowhere near the path God would have them be on! And worse yet, they never will understand, because they will never listen, until God opens their eyes or one day they wonder, 'how on Earth did I end up here ...?' "
Bob: "Well, yeah, but she is a Christian, goes to church regularly, we both do ..."
Me: "It all goes back to wanting our 'ears tickled' with what we want to hear and most churches are more than happy to tell you what you want to hear, apply modern psychology to back themselves up and viola!, you have a boat load of Christians all headed in the wrong direction at high speed and assured that they are completely correct."
Bob: "So, I just pray for her?"
Me: "No, you also have to honestly forgive her and then you have to honestly forgive yourself!"
Bob: "But, I don't think I can get beyond this to forgive me ..."
Me: "You only forgive, not forget your love for her. Equally, you understand that she has gone somewhere else, to someone else, without you. Maybe God will call her back to you, maybe not. It takes two heart and two wills being submissive to God. You are an army of one, when you should be an army of two."
The tears are now back, sigh .....
Me: "Just remember, leave your heart soft for God's leading. He can easily replace her in your life but you have to be flexible enough to allow Him to work in this area of your life ...."
I had more I could have said more but he is now holding me in a bear hug. I am pretty sure I am going to throw up. I pat him on the back and tell him to hang in there and just let God do His thing in his life. No tearing pictures up, no dartboards with her face on it, act in love - in all things towards her ... you never know what God will do.
Except for me, because I know he got played. I had warned him three years ago but no one ever listens to me. much less to what they do not want to know. And what do I know? I am the one with no memory, nor anyone in their life ... And, God will do as He pleases, when we are yield to him and not ourselves ....
June 3, 2016
Yesterday's Post
I never received much in the way of marriage advice from anyone growing up.
My father took me aside at eight years old and told me that you go out and hunt down the most beautiful woman you can - and marry her.
Except as I found with my Swedish fiancee, beauty is only skin deep, ugly reflects from the bone.
And, with years, I have learned that true beauty can only be found in the eyes, for they do reflect the soul.
So, I look at a lot of eyes - and beauty is a rare thing ...
When I was a kid the "sexual revolution" was exploding.
It was really just a return to the debauchery of two millennia ago.
Everyone was living without restraint, divorcing and marrying - if they even bothered.
The only concern was your own hormones and hey, if no one got pregnant - great!
Yet, great environment.
Yesterday's 20 points, were actually not bad, outside of there being no God involved in the marriage. Two humans, without God, literally have no hope in long term relationships.....
So, no rebuttal.
Just thinking about how does one build or rebuild a Godly marriage relationship.
I obviously have no idea - none of mine have ever been successful.
My father took me aside at eight years old and told me that you go out and hunt down the most beautiful woman you can - and marry her.
Except as I found with my Swedish fiancee, beauty is only skin deep, ugly reflects from the bone.
And, with years, I have learned that true beauty can only be found in the eyes, for they do reflect the soul.
So, I look at a lot of eyes - and beauty is a rare thing ...
When I was a kid the "sexual revolution" was exploding.
It was really just a return to the debauchery of two millennia ago.
Everyone was living without restraint, divorcing and marrying - if they even bothered.
The only concern was your own hormones and hey, if no one got pregnant - great!
Yet, great environment.
Yesterday's 20 points, were actually not bad, outside of there being no God involved in the marriage. Two humans, without God, literally have no hope in long term relationships.....
So, no rebuttal.
Just thinking about how does one build or rebuild a Godly marriage relationship.
I obviously have no idea - none of mine have ever been successful.
June 1, 2016
Why You Wait
We live in a "have it now" culture.
Nothing is worth waiting for.
Life is all about ME.
Life is all about NOW.
And though many would claim different, their inability to mask their behavior betrays this truth.
In relationships, they want you to think that they love you, but it is only convenience they seek.
You are in for the day and then out with no explanation tomorrow.
They are not affected by their behavior.
And any problems you have with this, are yours, not theirs after all.
And what is real Love?
Something not worth waiting for.
Something that gives to them.
Something they can not give.
Something they will never find.
Something they can never know.
Because they want everything now.
Nothing is worth waiting for.
Not even real Love.
And so you end up with a ME centered opinion piece, such as posted yesterday, to tell you that Love is not real, it is not worth waiting for, it is all just a lie.
And for them it is a lie, because they approached life on their own terms and not God's.
So Love is a lie, because they never knew God.
Happiness/love is short and transitory.
But Love is what they will always seek.
Man was built to seek real Love.
The only way you, me, or anyone will ever find real Love is with people whom the Holy Spirit has allowed it to be given. In a God centered belief, in a sacrificial manner, only then can true Love be found or gained.
All else is but a lie .....
I once found Love ... I still do not know what happened. One moment I knew it, the next crushed. All that is left is a memory - yeah the lone memory surviving from my fog shrouded past. I knew Love - and it remains a wound that seemingly will not heal. It just waits and so I do not know what God is up to with that one. I guess His ways are not within my intellectual ability. So I bear a wounded heart and spirit which I have no hope of ever healing. Talking long ago became impossible and so I pray for her heart, her spirit and her mind - and the lies she has laid between us.
Yes, real Love does exist.
There are prerequisites attached to it.
It takes two yielded hearts, minds and souls.
It is wholly dependent upon TWO ...
And Love betrayed by the Me-ism Generation?
No idea, I have not found out how God handles such a situation.
But, one day I will.
Nothing is worth waiting for.
Life is all about ME.
Life is all about NOW.
And though many would claim different, their inability to mask their behavior betrays this truth.
In relationships, they want you to think that they love you, but it is only convenience they seek.
You are in for the day and then out with no explanation tomorrow.
They are not affected by their behavior.
And any problems you have with this, are yours, not theirs after all.
And what is real Love?
Something not worth waiting for.
Something that gives to them.
Something they can not give.
Something they will never find.
Something they can never know.
Because they want everything now.
Nothing is worth waiting for.
Not even real Love.
And so you end up with a ME centered opinion piece, such as posted yesterday, to tell you that Love is not real, it is not worth waiting for, it is all just a lie.
And for them it is a lie, because they approached life on their own terms and not God's.
So Love is a lie, because they never knew God.
Happiness/love is short and transitory.
But Love is what they will always seek.
Man was built to seek real Love.
The only way you, me, or anyone will ever find real Love is with people whom the Holy Spirit has allowed it to be given. In a God centered belief, in a sacrificial manner, only then can true Love be found or gained.
All else is but a lie .....
I once found Love ... I still do not know what happened. One moment I knew it, the next crushed. All that is left is a memory - yeah the lone memory surviving from my fog shrouded past. I knew Love - and it remains a wound that seemingly will not heal. It just waits and so I do not know what God is up to with that one. I guess His ways are not within my intellectual ability. So I bear a wounded heart and spirit which I have no hope of ever healing. Talking long ago became impossible and so I pray for her heart, her spirit and her mind - and the lies she has laid between us.
Yes, real Love does exist.
There are prerequisites attached to it.
It takes two yielded hearts, minds and souls.
It is wholly dependent upon TWO ...
And Love betrayed by the Me-ism Generation?
No idea, I have not found out how God handles such a situation.
But, one day I will.
May 31, 2016
No Reason To Wait
This is an article I had sent to me and as I read through it I could understand it point by point and thought it good - point by point .... My reflection will be in tomorrow's post ...
*****
This Is Why You Shouldn't Wait For Someone To Make Up Their Mind
I used to think that waiting for someone you love to be ready is the ultimate form of flattery and the ideal declaration of love. It’s how all epic love stories unfold and those who waited are finally rewarded for their patience when their lover comes back to them, then I had a very simple epiphany- the most epic love stories start when two people decide they like each other, they want to be with each other and they want to make the relationship work. Love is not always going to be easy and there will always be compromises, but having to wait for someone for months or years to finally decide to give you a chance should not be one of them.
Admit it, you don’t know what you are waiting for. Are you waiting for a declaration of love? Are you waiting for someone to change? Are you waiting for someone to recognize how loyal and patient you are? Are you waiting for a sign? Whatever it is you are waiting for should not keep you waiting if it’s truly worth it and you should always ask yourself if you are waiting for something that may never happen.
Waiting for someone means that you are okay with that person treating you like you are not important or that you don’t deserve their time.
Waiting for someone means that you don’t value yourself enough to realize that if someone cares enough, they will not keep you waiting or wondering. You are choosing to blind your own eyes from seeing the truth that will eventually blindside you.
Waiting for someone is not a sign of strength or loyalty, it’s a sign of denial and ignoring what you already know to be true. You will continue putting them on a pedestal they don’t even know they’re on, you will continue investing your all on nothing.
Because when you lose a person for whatever reason you are going to realize that you are on your own, and that you waited months or years for someone who didn’t end up fulfilling the prophecy you created for them. Sometimes patience is a waste of time.
Waiting for someone means that you are pouring salt on your own cuts and acting like it doesn’t burn. It means that you have agreed to be the person they “settle” for after exploring all other options. It means that you are surrendering yourself to rejection over and over again and acting like it’s the natural process of waiting.
Waiting for someone means you are pushing away people who are willing to give what you are waiting for and they are willing to give it to you immediately. It means you are telling the whole world that you do not deserve the respect and love that you give others, that you are willing to compromise the most precious parts of yourself for someone who doesn’t even try to give a little bit more.
As much as you deserve to be rewarded for your patience and as much as you deserve someone who comes back and finally claims you, this is not always the case. You shouldn’t set aside yourself for anyone else, because when you lose a person for whatever reason you are going to realize that you are on your own, and that you waited months or years for someone who didn’t end up fulfilling the prophecy you created for them. Sometimes patience is a waste of time.
If you must wait; wait to be chosen every day, wait to be reminded that you are special, wait to be loved in the way that you constantly love, wait to be taken seriously and wait for someone who doesn’t keep you waiting, because you know that you deserve better than waiting around for someone to make up their mind.
Written by Rania Naim
This article has been republished from Thought Catalog.com
*****
This Is Why You Shouldn't Wait For Someone To Make Up Their Mind
I used to think that waiting for someone you love to be ready is the ultimate form of flattery and the ideal declaration of love. It’s how all epic love stories unfold and those who waited are finally rewarded for their patience when their lover comes back to them, then I had a very simple epiphany- the most epic love stories start when two people decide they like each other, they want to be with each other and they want to make the relationship work. Love is not always going to be easy and there will always be compromises, but having to wait for someone for months or years to finally decide to give you a chance should not be one of them.
Admit it, you don’t know what you are waiting for. Are you waiting for a declaration of love? Are you waiting for someone to change? Are you waiting for someone to recognize how loyal and patient you are? Are you waiting for a sign? Whatever it is you are waiting for should not keep you waiting if it’s truly worth it and you should always ask yourself if you are waiting for something that may never happen.
Waiting for someone means that you are okay with that person treating you like you are not important or that you don’t deserve their time.
Waiting for someone means that you don’t value yourself enough to realize that if someone cares enough, they will not keep you waiting or wondering. You are choosing to blind your own eyes from seeing the truth that will eventually blindside you.
Waiting for someone is not a sign of strength or loyalty, it’s a sign of denial and ignoring what you already know to be true. You will continue putting them on a pedestal they don’t even know they’re on, you will continue investing your all on nothing.
Because when you lose a person for whatever reason you are going to realize that you are on your own, and that you waited months or years for someone who didn’t end up fulfilling the prophecy you created for them. Sometimes patience is a waste of time.
Waiting for someone means that you are pouring salt on your own cuts and acting like it doesn’t burn. It means that you have agreed to be the person they “settle” for after exploring all other options. It means that you are surrendering yourself to rejection over and over again and acting like it’s the natural process of waiting.
Waiting for someone means you are pushing away people who are willing to give what you are waiting for and they are willing to give it to you immediately. It means you are telling the whole world that you do not deserve the respect and love that you give others, that you are willing to compromise the most precious parts of yourself for someone who doesn’t even try to give a little bit more.
As much as you deserve to be rewarded for your patience and as much as you deserve someone who comes back and finally claims you, this is not always the case. You shouldn’t set aside yourself for anyone else, because when you lose a person for whatever reason you are going to realize that you are on your own, and that you waited months or years for someone who didn’t end up fulfilling the prophecy you created for them. Sometimes patience is a waste of time.
If you must wait; wait to be chosen every day, wait to be reminded that you are special, wait to be loved in the way that you constantly love, wait to be taken seriously and wait for someone who doesn’t keep you waiting, because you know that you deserve better than waiting around for someone to make up their mind.
Written by Rania Naim
This article has been republished from Thought Catalog.com
May 25, 2016
Evening With Father
If you are a long time reader, you understand that the relationship between my father and I was at best homicidal and at the worse, well, prisons are filled with people just like him. Yeah, not a raging success.
When I was about 30, I got to thinking that I really did not have a solid footing on what being a Christian "man" was all about. I had no role model as a youth concerning manhood and though I had been a Christian for 12 years by then, there were no role models I could ever find. So, I looked around and appraised the manhood which surrounded me then and was still quite unimpressed. But, there was this old guy, my Sunday School teacher whom was quite impressive. But, he was not real impressed with me. He was solidly Western Belief system and I am Reformation theology trained - nails on a chalkboard around each other.
So, one Sunday, I screwed up my courage and confronted him and his wife after church and told them that I was adopting them as my Christian parents - because I really need help understanding Christian living. I was not asking, I was telling them! He was singularly unimpressed and told me I was a moron, she was smothered me in hugs and kisses! But, as time wore on, he came to understand that he had as much a need for me, as I for him.
Now, 31 years later and three years without having seen each other, I had a chance to spend an evening with them. The three years in which my leg has been a serious problem, has also been serious health issues with both of them! And numerous surgeries on both sides.
And we talked of our years apart and our years together.
He commented that my studies, all of which were okayed by him before I ever gave them, were awesome. I was flattered, I was touched he even remembered them.
And he talked about his early life ...
I knew that he loved race boats, did not realize that for 25 years he built and raced hydroplanes. Two of those years he won the championships. Four times he set speed records. And we poured through his photos. All of the big names in racing, some of whom I had also known, were there. We talked boat design and hull performances, engines and disasters.
And I remembered ever so slightly Reuben, grandmother's final husband. He loved race boats, he held for decades speed records with his boat, Little Miss Labor Pains (because the paint job was a nightmare to have created!). And some of Reuben's friends, were also my American father's friends.
It was an evening of rest for my soul. It was warm and comforting to be in a circle of family. Reuben I had loved, Paul I do love - both in racing, both having a large impact on me. And some German cooking! Which was great since I have to relearn how to cook, sigh.
As I am rebuilding a life from having lost everything between my ears, it is amazing to me to see how things I had not known before, tied together.
You might want to pray for Paul and Lynn, they are elderly and at that point where assistance is needed. I am not the one for that, I can barely walk to their front door much less up the 18 steps into their house! And they both have major health issues ...
When I was about 30, I got to thinking that I really did not have a solid footing on what being a Christian "man" was all about. I had no role model as a youth concerning manhood and though I had been a Christian for 12 years by then, there were no role models I could ever find. So, I looked around and appraised the manhood which surrounded me then and was still quite unimpressed. But, there was this old guy, my Sunday School teacher whom was quite impressive. But, he was not real impressed with me. He was solidly Western Belief system and I am Reformation theology trained - nails on a chalkboard around each other.
So, one Sunday, I screwed up my courage and confronted him and his wife after church and told them that I was adopting them as my Christian parents - because I really need help understanding Christian living. I was not asking, I was telling them! He was singularly unimpressed and told me I was a moron, she was smothered me in hugs and kisses! But, as time wore on, he came to understand that he had as much a need for me, as I for him.
Now, 31 years later and three years without having seen each other, I had a chance to spend an evening with them. The three years in which my leg has been a serious problem, has also been serious health issues with both of them! And numerous surgeries on both sides.
And we talked of our years apart and our years together.
He commented that my studies, all of which were okayed by him before I ever gave them, were awesome. I was flattered, I was touched he even remembered them.
And he talked about his early life ...
I knew that he loved race boats, did not realize that for 25 years he built and raced hydroplanes. Two of those years he won the championships. Four times he set speed records. And we poured through his photos. All of the big names in racing, some of whom I had also known, were there. We talked boat design and hull performances, engines and disasters.
And I remembered ever so slightly Reuben, grandmother's final husband. He loved race boats, he held for decades speed records with his boat, Little Miss Labor Pains (because the paint job was a nightmare to have created!). And some of Reuben's friends, were also my American father's friends.
It was an evening of rest for my soul. It was warm and comforting to be in a circle of family. Reuben I had loved, Paul I do love - both in racing, both having a large impact on me. And some German cooking! Which was great since I have to relearn how to cook, sigh.
As I am rebuilding a life from having lost everything between my ears, it is amazing to me to see how things I had not known before, tied together.
You might want to pray for Paul and Lynn, they are elderly and at that point where assistance is needed. I am not the one for that, I can barely walk to their front door much less up the 18 steps into their house! And they both have major health issues ...
March 17, 2016
Was It Worth It?
I have thought on posting this for over four months. Sometimes my mind would lose it and I could not remember what I wanted to say and other times I would remember but other topics had precedent.
So much of my life was spent watching and wondering. I had no emotions, none at all, and I marveled at them when I saw them. I would think, "What are they thinking, what are they feeling, how does thinking and feeling modify the context of a moment?"
Yeah, well, those were unanswerable questions.
I hired someone to help me communicate better with people. I was highly paid as a communicator. I could see each side of an issue and then express the desires of one side to the other, and visa-versa. I got lots of awards for this. But, I needed to be able to understand people better - and my consultant - well, was less than flattering at the end of his 90 day review. I did not have the ability to come over to the human side.
But, God saw fit to "whack" me with revelation after revelation, change after change across a 2 year period. Nothing was as I had expected. I did not understand more, nor better, I was now in a constant state of confusion. People say one thing and then do an entirely different thing. "Love" is not Love, it is whatever makes them comfortable - no commitment, no willingness to be honest - almost EVERYONE is a liar it seems.
I always had thought that Love was the ultimate pursuit, that there was an equality within it: truth, trust, transparency, friendship - without anyone of these, Love could not exist. But, finding these qualities seems a bit hard to do in real life.
Truth is modified to fit with desires or situations, everyone cloaks whom they really are behind layers of lies. But without truth, there can be no trust. And without trust there can be no transparency. Without transparency, friendship is not going to exist. Without any one of these, well I was right, there can be no Love. Sure love can be found in abounds but no, it is not the real thing.
We sell ourselves short, willing to be less than truthful, less than trusting and with no transparency - after-all we need to protect ourselves, right? Add self interest into the mix and now we can manipulate (or think we can) love to be what we want. As an added bonus we add terms and condition which have nothing to do with Love, but rather in fact negate it. But, alas, as example has shown - we make fools of ourselves and one another.
I think I can now say I understand emotions in all of their many variations - some experienced, some by observation - and I might have been better off without them. I have cried nightly for almost two years over the exploits of those I care for, as well as, personal pain inflected upon me with seemingly no regard by others. Well, at least when I was not medicated out of my mind (which was a big part of last year).
I had expected joy, and there were moments of it, but by and large there are longer moments of pain. I guess that writers, poets and song writers either have selective memory or never have found real Love. I did discover real Love; unconditional, not dependent upon me nor my feeling, not dependent upon another nor their feelings. It did bring me overwhelming joy - much to the consternation of others. I, "am just too happy!", as numerous people told me. Sorry, I quested my entire life and then it found me, independent of me and I knew unspeakable joy.
Yet with it comes pain, as nothing is as it should be in my life. People are not whom they should be. And so I just live day by day, knowing of the joy which lives in me - unable to share it with anyone - for there are none in my midst I can trust. So, in reality, does it have any real worth?
Perhaps the future may show change and then these humanizations by God within me will be of value. But, until then ... I can only hope and pray to live a life uncloaked, in the open, where joy will no more be understood than I am.
Sigh ....
So much of my life was spent watching and wondering. I had no emotions, none at all, and I marveled at them when I saw them. I would think, "What are they thinking, what are they feeling, how does thinking and feeling modify the context of a moment?"
Yeah, well, those were unanswerable questions.
I hired someone to help me communicate better with people. I was highly paid as a communicator. I could see each side of an issue and then express the desires of one side to the other, and visa-versa. I got lots of awards for this. But, I needed to be able to understand people better - and my consultant - well, was less than flattering at the end of his 90 day review. I did not have the ability to come over to the human side.
But, God saw fit to "whack" me with revelation after revelation, change after change across a 2 year period. Nothing was as I had expected. I did not understand more, nor better, I was now in a constant state of confusion. People say one thing and then do an entirely different thing. "Love" is not Love, it is whatever makes them comfortable - no commitment, no willingness to be honest - almost EVERYONE is a liar it seems.
I always had thought that Love was the ultimate pursuit, that there was an equality within it: truth, trust, transparency, friendship - without anyone of these, Love could not exist. But, finding these qualities seems a bit hard to do in real life.
Truth is modified to fit with desires or situations, everyone cloaks whom they really are behind layers of lies. But without truth, there can be no trust. And without trust there can be no transparency. Without transparency, friendship is not going to exist. Without any one of these, well I was right, there can be no Love. Sure love can be found in abounds but no, it is not the real thing.
We sell ourselves short, willing to be less than truthful, less than trusting and with no transparency - after-all we need to protect ourselves, right? Add self interest into the mix and now we can manipulate (or think we can) love to be what we want. As an added bonus we add terms and condition which have nothing to do with Love, but rather in fact negate it. But, alas, as example has shown - we make fools of ourselves and one another.
I think I can now say I understand emotions in all of their many variations - some experienced, some by observation - and I might have been better off without them. I have cried nightly for almost two years over the exploits of those I care for, as well as, personal pain inflected upon me with seemingly no regard by others. Well, at least when I was not medicated out of my mind (which was a big part of last year).
I had expected joy, and there were moments of it, but by and large there are longer moments of pain. I guess that writers, poets and song writers either have selective memory or never have found real Love. I did discover real Love; unconditional, not dependent upon me nor my feeling, not dependent upon another nor their feelings. It did bring me overwhelming joy - much to the consternation of others. I, "am just too happy!", as numerous people told me. Sorry, I quested my entire life and then it found me, independent of me and I knew unspeakable joy.
Yet with it comes pain, as nothing is as it should be in my life. People are not whom they should be. And so I just live day by day, knowing of the joy which lives in me - unable to share it with anyone - for there are none in my midst I can trust. So, in reality, does it have any real worth?
Perhaps the future may show change and then these humanizations by God within me will be of value. But, until then ... I can only hope and pray to live a life uncloaked, in the open, where joy will no more be understood than I am.
Sigh ....
March 1, 2016
Dealing With Divorce, Part 2
Yesterday, I talked my family's history with divorce.
I know I was affected by my parents' divorce. From the selfish side of they separated on my 17th birthday and divorced on my 18th birthday, two ruined birthdays in a row! As well as, from the side of not trusting easily. And understanding that although there are "two sides to an issue", the truth may not be known by either party - especially when the parties are both liars.
Mark 10:1-12
Matthew 19:1-9
1. Marriage matters! So pursue it!
It is worth your attention!
Jesus emphasized the importance of it.
It matters to God.
Fortify your marriage and strengthen it.
2. See sex as game changer, not as a harmless-hookup !
Sexual sin has long term consequences.
You are bonded in that union.
You can not actually untangle the roots of that union, once it happens.
Desire has the same roots in your heart.
Pain, hard hearts, sin abounds - without the greatest of caution!!!!!!
3. What about the "reasons for divorce"?
Mental illness, sin, gambling, alcoholism, abuse, etc - are all grey areas for both divorce and remarriage.
Abandonment or adultery is acceptable reasoning for divorce and remarriage. This is the breaking of the marital vows.
What happens to your marital status, you protect yourself, you protect your children!
4. We need to be a lighthouse for the shipwrecked!
We are to be a place for hope and healing for all.
Lift up the sacredness of marriage.
Marriage takes two people, committed to one another in God.
God wants our marriages to flourish, not to fail.
When one person fails, both are affected by that failure.
Divorce is but one reaction to that brokenness of ourselves and failure.
But Divorce is not an unpardonable sin, it is an action which damages us.
God's desire is to heal us of failure and brokenness.
If you remarry, God will bless that marriage if you have and are seeking His Will.
God's grace is greater than all sin.
We all sin.
No sin is greater than another.
Some sin has long term consequences on us and others: sexual sin, divorce and murder.
Thinking back through these verses: marriage is good, failure is not desirable. There are lots of ways a marriage can hit the rocks, these days pornography and abandonment seem to be the most common from what I have observed. We have to be able to understand that it is not an imperative that we abandon our spouses when these things occur but rather to work through it with them - IF that is possible. Both situations are a little hard to re-engage from! And, if there is divorce, know that this is not God's will, but by His allowance. Should we then remarry, one hopes we are wiser, careful and prayerful.
I know I was affected by my parents' divorce. From the selfish side of they separated on my 17th birthday and divorced on my 18th birthday, two ruined birthdays in a row! As well as, from the side of not trusting easily. And understanding that although there are "two sides to an issue", the truth may not be known by either party - especially when the parties are both liars.
Mark 10:1-12
Matthew 19:1-9
1. Marriage matters! So pursue it!
It is worth your attention!
Jesus emphasized the importance of it.
It matters to God.
Fortify your marriage and strengthen it.
2. See sex as game changer, not as a harmless-hookup !
Sexual sin has long term consequences.
You are bonded in that union.
You can not actually untangle the roots of that union, once it happens.
Desire has the same roots in your heart.
Pain, hard hearts, sin abounds - without the greatest of caution!!!!!!
3. What about the "reasons for divorce"?
Mental illness, sin, gambling, alcoholism, abuse, etc - are all grey areas for both divorce and remarriage.
Abandonment or adultery is acceptable reasoning for divorce and remarriage. This is the breaking of the marital vows.
What happens to your marital status, you protect yourself, you protect your children!
4. We need to be a lighthouse for the shipwrecked!
We are to be a place for hope and healing for all.
Lift up the sacredness of marriage.
Marriage takes two people, committed to one another in God.
God wants our marriages to flourish, not to fail.
When one person fails, both are affected by that failure.
Divorce is but one reaction to that brokenness of ourselves and failure.
But Divorce is not an unpardonable sin, it is an action which damages us.
God's desire is to heal us of failure and brokenness.
If you remarry, God will bless that marriage if you have and are seeking His Will.
God's grace is greater than all sin.
We all sin.
No sin is greater than another.
Some sin has long term consequences on us and others: sexual sin, divorce and murder.
Thinking back through these verses: marriage is good, failure is not desirable. There are lots of ways a marriage can hit the rocks, these days pornography and abandonment seem to be the most common from what I have observed. We have to be able to understand that it is not an imperative that we abandon our spouses when these things occur but rather to work through it with them - IF that is possible. Both situations are a little hard to re-engage from! And, if there is divorce, know that this is not God's will, but by His allowance. Should we then remarry, one hopes we are wiser, careful and prayerful.
February 29, 2016
Dealing With Divorce, Park 1
We live in a culture of "love", not commitment.
We live in a society where sex is thought to be the same as love.
Our families are destroyed because hormones are to be responded to.
We damage ourselves because we pursue feelings and hormones, not Godliness.
For decades I have used the illustration of, "If you want to meet a group of damaged women, suffering under the weight of multiple divorces - check our your local high school." We allow through this western culture of "dating", what should never exist - those too immature mentally and emotionally to become involved physically - God's definition of marriage, and then to walk away from one another because of that immaturity. You really have no understanding of today's youth culture until you understand this, nor God's expectation.
And most people marry, at least once, a high percentage numerous times - always looking and never finding, nor understanding.
In my family: the first divorce came about in 1940. Grandmother married a swine of a man at 18 and by 25 realized just how big of a mistake that had been! An alcoholic American Indian is not what long term relationships are made of. Of her three children, all have been divorced at once and remarried. Of her grandchildren, none of them necessarily married wisely, nor without struggles in the years which followed. As for Grandmother, well 5 marriages ... My father, 8 marriages ... sigh ...
So, divorce is something all of us grandchildren feel strongly about ... But, how does one deal with it? It exists in our families, in our friend's lives, it is modeled for us in the media ... it is perfectly normal right? After-all, people change and people cheat. And divorce destroys ourselves and our children. But, often what precedes a divorce, is often worse than the divorce itself.
How are we to deal with these issues?
Mark 10:1 - 12
1. Divorce is sin, don't minimize it.
The world wants you to think that divorce is normal, that it is a success.
God did not design you for divorce, you were built to experience real commitment and love.
Seeking new experiences and pursuing happiness is not why we exist.
God says that He hates divorce.
But, God does not hate divorced people.
2. Divorce is serious, don't look for loopholes.
Verse 2, Pharisees were looking for loopholes to get out of marriage.
They wanted a "no fault" divorce, it was a contemporary argument at the time.
Deuteronomy 24:1 was the verse in contention.
She is disrespectful to her mother-in-law, she is a bad cook, she talked to men in the market, her hair was down in public.
Any reason was a good reason to some then, just as it is now.
3. Divorce is permitted, don't make it a command.
Moses was discouraging divorce with his permission.
"Because of the hardness of our hearts ..."
Jesus and Moses sought to protect women and to underscore that women were not be treated as property.
4. Divorce is real, don't side step it or step on it.
Understand that people sin and sinners need to come to God.
Know that people can suffer undesired divorces and they need our love.
Acknowledge that marriages can be damaged and need prayer.
Not to judge those whom are being damaged by their partner.
We live in a society where sex is thought to be the same as love.
Our families are destroyed because hormones are to be responded to.
We damage ourselves because we pursue feelings and hormones, not Godliness.
For decades I have used the illustration of, "If you want to meet a group of damaged women, suffering under the weight of multiple divorces - check our your local high school." We allow through this western culture of "dating", what should never exist - those too immature mentally and emotionally to become involved physically - God's definition of marriage, and then to walk away from one another because of that immaturity. You really have no understanding of today's youth culture until you understand this, nor God's expectation.
And most people marry, at least once, a high percentage numerous times - always looking and never finding, nor understanding.
In my family: the first divorce came about in 1940. Grandmother married a swine of a man at 18 and by 25 realized just how big of a mistake that had been! An alcoholic American Indian is not what long term relationships are made of. Of her three children, all have been divorced at once and remarried. Of her grandchildren, none of them necessarily married wisely, nor without struggles in the years which followed. As for Grandmother, well 5 marriages ... My father, 8 marriages ... sigh ...
So, divorce is something all of us grandchildren feel strongly about ... But, how does one deal with it? It exists in our families, in our friend's lives, it is modeled for us in the media ... it is perfectly normal right? After-all, people change and people cheat. And divorce destroys ourselves and our children. But, often what precedes a divorce, is often worse than the divorce itself.
How are we to deal with these issues?
Mark 10:1 - 12
1. Divorce is sin, don't minimize it.
The world wants you to think that divorce is normal, that it is a success.
God did not design you for divorce, you were built to experience real commitment and love.
Seeking new experiences and pursuing happiness is not why we exist.
God says that He hates divorce.
But, God does not hate divorced people.
2. Divorce is serious, don't look for loopholes.
Verse 2, Pharisees were looking for loopholes to get out of marriage.
They wanted a "no fault" divorce, it was a contemporary argument at the time.
Deuteronomy 24:1 was the verse in contention.
She is disrespectful to her mother-in-law, she is a bad cook, she talked to men in the market, her hair was down in public.
Any reason was a good reason to some then, just as it is now.
3. Divorce is permitted, don't make it a command.
Moses was discouraging divorce with his permission.
"Because of the hardness of our hearts ..."
Jesus and Moses sought to protect women and to underscore that women were not be treated as property.
4. Divorce is real, don't side step it or step on it.
Understand that people sin and sinners need to come to God.
Know that people can suffer undesired divorces and they need our love.
Acknowledge that marriages can be damaged and need prayer.
Not to judge those whom are being damaged by their partner.
December 21, 2015
There Are No Dreams
Someone once wrote,
"In dreams begins responsibility.
So too, perhaps, with love.
Without dreams, without the hope of a better life, a brighter future, it is difficult for love to flourish.
And without love ... there are no dreams."
I had lunch with my mother. It is always hard even talking with her, much less being around her. A very long history - both ways. One time Gaelic Girl was hammering me over my issues with my mother and she got to experience one of the very few times I have ever gotten angry. I actually told her what the problem is between us - she never brought it up again. Yeah, we are talking beyond the pale of acceptable behavior on my mother's part. As for my mother, she would have preferred I had been a girl and could have tea parties with me and "discuss" what p.o.c.'s men are.
Years later, I was having lunch with my uncle and he was talking about my father. Well, yeah, we know there are a few issues there! ... sigh ... And I commented that I was highly unhappy with having figured out what a major issue existed between my grandmother, mother and father - and I did not approve in the least! Then he, in his anger, told me something about my mother I had never even heard whispered in the family ... it explained all of it! I was and still am surprised I could not have figured this out on my own!
Selective blindness I guess. So, now I cut her slack because I now understand that brokenness in her. No there is nothing I can do - except ignore that anger in her constantly.
Tuesday, we sat there, yakking over Chinese food and she went off on her usual tirade of "they" and/or "them" are constantly vexing her. It is so predictable, so frustrating, so unimportant. Literally, the Earth will not stop rotating on its axis over any of it. And it irritates me, like sandpaper wearing away what protects her from the old me - still laying deeply dormant - never to be seen again I pray.
And I thought of that quote, of perhaps 20 or 30 years ago ...
She, perhaps all of us, desire to live in a dream. Dreams are comforting, they are fun, they are usually familiar and we are secure in them. Then with dreams we are allowed to love, to be transparent, to be vulnerable, to truly love and be loved - the desire of all mankind ...
I have always dreamed, in Techna-Color, usually as the hero saving someone - Bond, James Bond - if you please! But since becoming human, there is only one dream and no other, repeated every night. Some might call it obsessive, but it is just pain expressing itself over and over again, because I can not understand. Well perhaps one day to dream a resolution. And since I can dream, I find I can try and love my mother. It is not easy. Love to her means something entirely different than to me. And perhaps one day there can be healing between us.
"In dreams begins responsibility.
So too, perhaps, with love.
Without dreams, without the hope of a better life, a brighter future, it is difficult for love to flourish.
And without love ... there are no dreams."
I had lunch with my mother. It is always hard even talking with her, much less being around her. A very long history - both ways. One time Gaelic Girl was hammering me over my issues with my mother and she got to experience one of the very few times I have ever gotten angry. I actually told her what the problem is between us - she never brought it up again. Yeah, we are talking beyond the pale of acceptable behavior on my mother's part. As for my mother, she would have preferred I had been a girl and could have tea parties with me and "discuss" what p.o.c.'s men are.
Years later, I was having lunch with my uncle and he was talking about my father. Well, yeah, we know there are a few issues there! ... sigh ... And I commented that I was highly unhappy with having figured out what a major issue existed between my grandmother, mother and father - and I did not approve in the least! Then he, in his anger, told me something about my mother I had never even heard whispered in the family ... it explained all of it! I was and still am surprised I could not have figured this out on my own!
Selective blindness I guess. So, now I cut her slack because I now understand that brokenness in her. No there is nothing I can do - except ignore that anger in her constantly.
Tuesday, we sat there, yakking over Chinese food and she went off on her usual tirade of "they" and/or "them" are constantly vexing her. It is so predictable, so frustrating, so unimportant. Literally, the Earth will not stop rotating on its axis over any of it. And it irritates me, like sandpaper wearing away what protects her from the old me - still laying deeply dormant - never to be seen again I pray.
And I thought of that quote, of perhaps 20 or 30 years ago ...
She, perhaps all of us, desire to live in a dream. Dreams are comforting, they are fun, they are usually familiar and we are secure in them. Then with dreams we are allowed to love, to be transparent, to be vulnerable, to truly love and be loved - the desire of all mankind ...
I have always dreamed, in Techna-Color, usually as the hero saving someone - Bond, James Bond - if you please! But since becoming human, there is only one dream and no other, repeated every night. Some might call it obsessive, but it is just pain expressing itself over and over again, because I can not understand. Well perhaps one day to dream a resolution. And since I can dream, I find I can try and love my mother. It is not easy. Love to her means something entirely different than to me. And perhaps one day there can be healing between us.
December 5, 2015
Musical Saturday Morning
I think I have sat on this song for over a year. It touched something in me and I do not think I have shared it before. But, with this new me, I think I want to be more transparent as to changes I struggle through. It is also a 1980's! And if you already know the song, or I have shared it before, well then enjoy:
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