Have you ever reached your end?
You know, there is nothing left you can do.
Nowhere you can go.
No one you can count on.
It may even seem God is no longer there!
Psalm 137:1-4
Embrace Your Call
Grasp your present reality!
Live in your pain!
Hope is in God's promises!
Remember whom you are!
Pray for vindication!
Find comfort in what can not be changed!
God's Love is our standard!
Change Your Approach
Study suffering in Psalm 6
Know that when you can not praise, pray, sing -
God's Spirit will intervene and do this for you -
in you pain, in your grief, in your blackness.....
Showing posts with label Holy Spirit. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Holy Spirit. Show all posts
January 17, 2018
April 21, 2017
Powered By
As mind is forced to relive 1967 in excruciating detail, over and over again!, I at least am finding answers to situations I have long questioned.
I have long wondered about the disparity anyone can see in the church. Power hungry ministers, manipulative workers, questionable ministry efforts. It made no sense!
The answer is that in God's realm of desire is that we do all by and through His empowerment via the Holy Spirit. Unfortunately, that does not happen enough - much less within the realm of "ministry". WE, you and I, are called to live by the power and direction of the Holy Spirit, not our wits! And yet it can be observed over and over again - defeated Christians not understanding how everything could have gone "so wrong" and ministries that started strong and now flail to stay on "top". We fail be cause we walk by the flesh, not by His Spirit. And it happens so slowly, we can not perceive the change and end up shaking our heads over how wrong it all went. And the worse - the super powerful, successful ministries that are just too good to be true ...
To the extent that we do not humble ourselves before God, there will be no power of the Holy Spirit our lives. God's work, done God's way, in the power of the Holy Spirit - with no hint of flesh ... is what He expects.
It does not matter your denominational leanings, the Church always seems to default to doing God's work though the power of the flesh - not the Spirit! The BIG failing here is always EGO. If we have the world's ( f the flesh) mentality of wanting to be first, the biggest, the best, putting on the splashiest show, etc - we are no longer qualified for Christian leadership, much less to be a Christian witness!
Let that sink in .....
And to the extent that we seek power - we are then walking in the flesh and not by the Spirit. In fact, the Holy Spirit will not have anything to do with us. It is only by our walking in faith and constant confession that we can hope to achieve the humility God seeks inside of us.
I have long wondered about the disparity anyone can see in the church. Power hungry ministers, manipulative workers, questionable ministry efforts. It made no sense!
The answer is that in God's realm of desire is that we do all by and through His empowerment via the Holy Spirit. Unfortunately, that does not happen enough - much less within the realm of "ministry". WE, you and I, are called to live by the power and direction of the Holy Spirit, not our wits! And yet it can be observed over and over again - defeated Christians not understanding how everything could have gone "so wrong" and ministries that started strong and now flail to stay on "top". We fail be cause we walk by the flesh, not by His Spirit. And it happens so slowly, we can not perceive the change and end up shaking our heads over how wrong it all went. And the worse - the super powerful, successful ministries that are just too good to be true ...
To the extent that we do not humble ourselves before God, there will be no power of the Holy Spirit our lives. God's work, done God's way, in the power of the Holy Spirit - with no hint of flesh ... is what He expects.
It does not matter your denominational leanings, the Church always seems to default to doing God's work though the power of the flesh - not the Spirit! The BIG failing here is always EGO. If we have the world's ( f the flesh) mentality of wanting to be first, the biggest, the best, putting on the splashiest show, etc - we are no longer qualified for Christian leadership, much less to be a Christian witness!
Let that sink in .....
And to the extent that we seek power - we are then walking in the flesh and not by the Spirit. In fact, the Holy Spirit will not have anything to do with us. It is only by our walking in faith and constant confession that we can hope to achieve the humility God seeks inside of us.
January 6, 2017
Picasso Perspective
"It is all a matter of
perspective. How you see the world
around you is what you can communicate.
And, you get to choose what it is inside of this perspective that you wish to concentrate on ...",
and so began another day of lecture in 1966 by Pablo Picasso. As one of six of his students, I quietly exhaled and knew I was about to be utterly lost again for another four hours
... it was all so philosophical!
No, I was never to become
the artist I desired to be, my father's brutality on such an endeavor was
without bounds. Luckily, I had a brain
and learned how to use it. And when I
became a Christian, my new father (God) felt my life needed to be complicated
by "knowing" all manner of things I should never have been able to
...
I had a chance to catch up
with one of my old students last fall.
She had been in my classes for 7 years, I was her sitter for a while
before that, so I knew her extremely well.
When she had problems during those troubled Junior High years - I
advised her on what to do. When the rush
of the hormonal teenage years where upon her - I advised her as to her best
course of actions. When it became time
for life - I advised her on her best path.
And when it was time to marry - I advised to not do so.
Mind you, she had twin
problems: she had a deceitful spirit and I knew early on that anything she said
to me was suspicious at best as far as truthfulness would be desired. And she would never accept that I had any
idea as to what was best for her. So,
yeah, although I gave her truth - as God would reveal it to me - she could not
accept what was said. After all, I am
just an old German computer nerd and she is, well, above all mankind in her
mind. So, yeah, lots of problems along
the way.
The marriage did not last
long and she took off and married again - to a guy almost exactly like that
first non-Christian disaster! Well, that
one did not do so well either and so along came number three, again a carbon copy
of that first two. None of them where
Christian, she insists on being unequally yoked - as Paul put it. So though she desires happiness - she never
finds it because she is looking at the wrong perspectives and places in
life! And now, she is shattered. She realizes that she will never find that
elusive happiness and real love. I
offered no advice as to her course of action this last time - she never has
listened, she always chooses wrongly, and once upon a time, long ago, she
actually had met that someone - but he was not "hot" or special, just
a solid Christian young man. He still is
single, still is thinking about maybe looking again but all of the females he
can find - would not even consider him still.
Such is the curse of a
generation bent upon self destruction - because they are smarter than God,
their elders and anyone else whom would dare speak against their deeply held
desires. And I have not given up on him,
though I may have to drop kick him to even ask a girl out, when/if the time is
right ...
So why would I even continue
to try? No one listens, everyone forgets
what you tell them, even the last time I tried - the person came back years
later with "God just does not talk" to them and they were so lost as what to do
... and yet I had so plainly told them over and over again what they needed to do! But, that path is of no interest to
them! I could laugh were it not so
tragic. Yet, there once was one whom did
listen once ...
Random woman in line for
popcorn at a movie struck up a conversation with me and out of nowhere comes
this question about life ... And God
told me what I needed to share, what I need to tell her to validate that she
was hearing was not of me. And she
listened, and she did as I had told her.
I only saw her again was a few years later. Two decades later she hunted me down and told
me all which had happened, what she was saved from and how happy she was to
have stumbled upon me!
Really? I can only tell someone something, God tells
me, and she is only one I have known of to have listened. Well, then there is another whom did exactly
as told, but had long forgotten what was told
- sometimes I giggle to think of how God had set them up to do exactly
as He wanted. Though they will be in Heaven
before they ever figure it out. :)
Where you set your eyes, is
where your path will begin. It is all a
matter of perspective. That is why we
are responsible before God and do so poorly for we only see what is of no value
in our eyes - but priceless in God's.
You can change your path,
you can learn to value what God values,
and your rewards will not be of this Earth ...
so expect unhappiness and frustration when you choose the wrong
perspective.
November 21, 2016
Get Your Act Together
We live in a world without God.
As a Christian, you live in a world where you need to stay in touch with God!
Acts 17:1-9
Practice Holy Habits
The World is excellent at getting us to practice all that God reviles.
And when Christians pursue holiness, they end up in legalism - constantly!
What are your habits, customs, discipline?
This what you need to work on!
Think about what we need to do, to make ourselves usable to God, and the Holy Spirit.
Prayer, Study, Worship, confession.
Consider 1 Timothy 4:7
Stand On the Word
The Word of God is a sword
Against which Satan must yield.
It is a sword rarely used because we do not read out Bible.
We therefore stand unarmed against the world ...
Consider Acts 17:2-3
Keep Your On Head Straight
We live in an upside down world
You have to live your life on the right side!
Live your faith.
Show your faith.
Show TRUTH in a fallen world.
Charity, Love, Education, Medical help, fight against Satan in this world!
Consider Corinthians 13:5
Draw Others
Culture is a magnet Satan uses to draw the world and even us, if possible, away from God.
Fight the Culture
Fight the draw of Culture
By drawing others to God.
Through the demonstration of Chrisitan love and commitment.
There is far too little Christian love in this world.
So rare that when it is demonstrate people completely misunderstand.
They only understand using and being used ...
Love is the commitment and vulnerability you demonstrate - GOD has for them, not you ...
Consider Acts 17:4-5
As a Christian, you live in a world where you need to stay in touch with God!
Acts 17:1-9
Practice Holy Habits
The World is excellent at getting us to practice all that God reviles.
And when Christians pursue holiness, they end up in legalism - constantly!
What are your habits, customs, discipline?
This what you need to work on!
Think about what we need to do, to make ourselves usable to God, and the Holy Spirit.
Prayer, Study, Worship, confession.
Consider 1 Timothy 4:7
Stand On the Word
The Word of God is a sword
Against which Satan must yield.
It is a sword rarely used because we do not read out Bible.
We therefore stand unarmed against the world ...
Consider Acts 17:2-3
Keep Your On Head Straight
We live in an upside down world
You have to live your life on the right side!
Live your faith.
Show your faith.
Show TRUTH in a fallen world.
Charity, Love, Education, Medical help, fight against Satan in this world!
Consider Corinthians 13:5
Draw Others
Culture is a magnet Satan uses to draw the world and even us, if possible, away from God.
Fight the Culture
Fight the draw of Culture
By drawing others to God.
Through the demonstration of Chrisitan love and commitment.
There is far too little Christian love in this world.
So rare that when it is demonstrate people completely misunderstand.
They only understand using and being used ...
Love is the commitment and vulnerability you demonstrate - GOD has for them, not you ...
Consider Acts 17:4-5
November 2, 2016
Acts As An Example
The Book of Acts is one of my favorite books of the Bible. Why? Because - it is action filled! You get to see people overcoming their circumstances and imposed semi-slavery. The people pulling together, helping one another and what we truly desire as Christians trapped in this world. God dealing swiftly and distinctly with those whom claimed to a member of The Way (before the name Christian was invented ...).
Read Acts 16:11-40
Phillipi was city where Rome retired their military staff to. So, when Luke and Paul refers to this city - we get a touch of military references.
Go Where God Sends You
Places like - your family gatherings, where you are not welcome.
Your friends' homes and parties, where you no longer fit in.
Your work as a changed person.
Your neighbors as a helper not antagonist.
Maybe even a short time mission.
Maybe a long term engagement establishing a church?
But, the choice is yours. It is call obedience.
You choose to go or stay where He leads you.
You choose to ignore everyone and their arguments against your being drawn to do ...
Be Where You Are
It is amazing how many grandmothers call their children to the foreign mission field.
No, God has nothing to do with the majority.
Oh, God will use whomever He can, but ...
God wants you where you are.
You who were before salvation.
Doing what you were before salvation.
That is what God can use!
Not those desiring an early retirement plan on God's nickel .....
Praise God
Where ever you are.
What ever your state.
Praise God!
In both success and failure - praise Him!
In innocence or guilt - praise Him!
Good or bad - praise Him!
Do What You Can
It is not to be your idea.
It is not to be by your own power.
Remember:
One plants
One waters
God gives the increase.
Which is why you are to witness to those around you. Could be the quiet witness of your life so people know you are different. Perhaps are to be known widely as a Christian whom stands up for what is right in God's eyes. Or that person whom stands on a soap box and shares the Gospel to whom ever will listen.
You have to be prepared not only to give your personal testimony as to why and how you became a Christian but also to provide answers to any whom seek. So, you need to know your Bible and be prepared.
And while you are living your life, mixed with possible witnessing and answering, God's Spirit is working in those around you. Some will utterly reject anything having to do with God - but there will be those whom will stew on what they hear and observe in you. God will move them to His side, in His time, in His way.
Read Acts 16:11-40
Phillipi was city where Rome retired their military staff to. So, when Luke and Paul refers to this city - we get a touch of military references.
Go Where God Sends You
Places like - your family gatherings, where you are not welcome.
Your friends' homes and parties, where you no longer fit in.
Your work as a changed person.
Your neighbors as a helper not antagonist.
Maybe even a short time mission.
Maybe a long term engagement establishing a church?
But, the choice is yours. It is call obedience.
You choose to go or stay where He leads you.
You choose to ignore everyone and their arguments against your being drawn to do ...
Be Where You Are
It is amazing how many grandmothers call their children to the foreign mission field.
No, God has nothing to do with the majority.
Oh, God will use whomever He can, but ...
God wants you where you are.
You who were before salvation.
Doing what you were before salvation.
That is what God can use!
Not those desiring an early retirement plan on God's nickel .....
Praise God
Where ever you are.
What ever your state.
Praise God!
In both success and failure - praise Him!
In innocence or guilt - praise Him!
Good or bad - praise Him!
Do What You Can
It is not to be your idea.
It is not to be by your own power.
Remember:
One plants
One waters
God gives the increase.
Which is why you are to witness to those around you. Could be the quiet witness of your life so people know you are different. Perhaps are to be known widely as a Christian whom stands up for what is right in God's eyes. Or that person whom stands on a soap box and shares the Gospel to whom ever will listen.
You have to be prepared not only to give your personal testimony as to why and how you became a Christian but also to provide answers to any whom seek. So, you need to know your Bible and be prepared.
And while you are living your life, mixed with possible witnessing and answering, God's Spirit is working in those around you. Some will utterly reject anything having to do with God - but there will be those whom will stew on what they hear and observe in you. God will move them to His side, in His time, in His way.
May 26, 2016
About Me
As I continue to slog through this never ending pea soup between my ears, giving me glimpses only of a past but no real memory, nor sense of ownership of anything which does pop up. I am bummed out.
I am incapable of even counting out my heart medications and plopping them in a week long dispenser. The mistakes I find are innumerable! And I do not know why I even take some of them! I assume they are mostly for my heart which now sports four stents, which allowed for the surgeries on my leg - which was eventually lost. Sigh ...
One of the teachers I worked with last year, when I was substituting for a science class, I ran across at my favorite little Mexican cantena. I had no clue whom he was and I know he even came to the hospital at least once after one of those six surgeries!
The lady whom had encouraged me a few weeks ago, I had mentioned in a post, I decided I would thank her because that encouragement last Sunday was timely and helped me through a rough week. Nope could not even remember her name nor what she looked like! Was she at church on Sunday? No idea ... sigh.
So short term memory needs work, perhaps supplements?
Long term memory is still crippled.
After nine months, I recognize, not actually know:
Most of my family, still missing a daughter though
Two of my old "friends", but they are not really - I "know"
How to drive
Most of my passwords and computer ids, about eight are completely lost so far
That I am an artist
I am a Christian
That I like Jefferson Nickels
That I have three nationalities
That I have almost no hope for a future
But,
Huge pieces of my life have not even a vague definition at all
I can not remember my dead relatives, I know they exist, but ...
I remember nothing of my 25 years in college at night
No memory of having had a career, or why I get royalties from IBM
I have no common sense and no one to help me
I have no sense of what it means to be a Christian
That later one is a real pain.
From my adoptive Dad last week, I learned that I produced Bible Studies for 40 years.
I lead, everything from Junior High through Retiree class in all manner of Biblical subjects
And I now have no ministry left
But, the Holy Spirit empowers me - I recognize that much, though it freaked me out a bit at first!
Its gifts are still meaningful to me.
But, I have no clue what to do with what it reveals
So, I pray ...
Yup, not much at home between the ears.
A gaping wound where a heart ought to be
A fine, quick mind, with good memory retention for what I learn now.
And the mystery continues, who am I really?
I am incapable of even counting out my heart medications and plopping them in a week long dispenser. The mistakes I find are innumerable! And I do not know why I even take some of them! I assume they are mostly for my heart which now sports four stents, which allowed for the surgeries on my leg - which was eventually lost. Sigh ...
One of the teachers I worked with last year, when I was substituting for a science class, I ran across at my favorite little Mexican cantena. I had no clue whom he was and I know he even came to the hospital at least once after one of those six surgeries!
The lady whom had encouraged me a few weeks ago, I had mentioned in a post, I decided I would thank her because that encouragement last Sunday was timely and helped me through a rough week. Nope could not even remember her name nor what she looked like! Was she at church on Sunday? No idea ... sigh.
So short term memory needs work, perhaps supplements?
Long term memory is still crippled.
After nine months, I recognize, not actually know:
Most of my family, still missing a daughter though
Two of my old "friends", but they are not really - I "know"
How to drive
Most of my passwords and computer ids, about eight are completely lost so far
That I am an artist
I am a Christian
That I like Jefferson Nickels
That I have three nationalities
That I have almost no hope for a future
But,
Huge pieces of my life have not even a vague definition at all
I can not remember my dead relatives, I know they exist, but ...
I remember nothing of my 25 years in college at night
No memory of having had a career, or why I get royalties from IBM
I have no common sense and no one to help me
I have no sense of what it means to be a Christian
That later one is a real pain.
From my adoptive Dad last week, I learned that I produced Bible Studies for 40 years.
I lead, everything from Junior High through Retiree class in all manner of Biblical subjects
And I now have no ministry left
But, the Holy Spirit empowers me - I recognize that much, though it freaked me out a bit at first!
Its gifts are still meaningful to me.
But, I have no clue what to do with what it reveals
So, I pray ...
Yup, not much at home between the ears.
A gaping wound where a heart ought to be
A fine, quick mind, with good memory retention for what I learn now.
And the mystery continues, who am I really?
May 23, 2016
Indwelling of the Holy Spirit
I shudder at this topic, so many have a whacked view of the subject, thanks to the paganism of the American Theological schools, which has yielded non-Christian churches galore! But then, you already know or suspect your church is pagan .... if I anger your regularly.
Please take the time to research the reference verses! Only then will you be able to formulate a correct view of the Holy Spirit.
Ephesians 3:14 - 4:6
Christianity is defined in part by the indwelling of the Holy Spirit. Indwelling is someone, in this case the Holy Spirit, living in you.
This does not mean you are under the control of, because you usually do have a choice to comply with the Holy Spirit's leading or not. So you are not a possessed robot! But, I will say, just to buffer that with the word usually. Because, I seen times - when witnessing, when you do and say things that never would have happened except that the Holy Spirit had a goal in mind - and you were just the tool. For example the REAL use of the gift of Tongues: speaking a language known to the listener but not to you! Well, I was awed, hundreds came to salvation that day because of this. But, that is by far the rarity amongst the Holy Spirit's ministry in you as a believer.
In verse 16 - emphasized is the point of: this is in you!
Please see:
Ephesians 1:13
Ephesians 2:22
1 Corinthians 3:16
2 Corinthians 13:5
In verse 17 through 19, comes the question: Does the spiritual life come from within you or outside of you?
Jesus' intention is to completely reside in us
The result is our ability to grasp how full/completely this love is
Why would it not work this way?
Please see:
1 Corinthians 6:19
2 Corinthians 6:16
Ezekiel 36:27
In verse 20 and 21, we find the power of the Holy Spirit in our lives mentioned.
The power seems to be limited to bringing glory to the Jesus and the church through the generations.
Yet we find in the pagan "christian" church that it is an expression of conceit bring glory only to the person.
And, often in direct violation of usage of the Gifts of the Spirit!
Please see:
Ephesians 5:18
Romans 8:11
Galatians 5:22
Romans 8:15
1 John 2:27
Now what? Well Ephesians 4:1-6 ...
You know the presence of the Holy Spirit, when all three aspects are present:
Unity amongst believers
Love amongst believers and for the lost
Peace ruling over the Church and in the Christian's lives
Please take the time to research the reference verses! Only then will you be able to formulate a correct view of the Holy Spirit.
Ephesians 3:14 - 4:6
Christianity is defined in part by the indwelling of the Holy Spirit. Indwelling is someone, in this case the Holy Spirit, living in you.
This does not mean you are under the control of, because you usually do have a choice to comply with the Holy Spirit's leading or not. So you are not a possessed robot! But, I will say, just to buffer that with the word usually. Because, I seen times - when witnessing, when you do and say things that never would have happened except that the Holy Spirit had a goal in mind - and you were just the tool. For example the REAL use of the gift of Tongues: speaking a language known to the listener but not to you! Well, I was awed, hundreds came to salvation that day because of this. But, that is by far the rarity amongst the Holy Spirit's ministry in you as a believer.
In verse 16 - emphasized is the point of: this is in you!
Please see:
Ephesians 1:13
Ephesians 2:22
1 Corinthians 3:16
2 Corinthians 13:5
In verse 17 through 19, comes the question: Does the spiritual life come from within you or outside of you?
Jesus' intention is to completely reside in us
The result is our ability to grasp how full/completely this love is
Why would it not work this way?
Please see:
1 Corinthians 6:19
2 Corinthians 6:16
Ezekiel 36:27
In verse 20 and 21, we find the power of the Holy Spirit in our lives mentioned.
The power seems to be limited to bringing glory to the Jesus and the church through the generations.
Yet we find in the pagan "christian" church that it is an expression of conceit bring glory only to the person.
And, often in direct violation of usage of the Gifts of the Spirit!
Please see:
Ephesians 5:18
Romans 8:11
Galatians 5:22
Romans 8:15
1 John 2:27
Now what? Well Ephesians 4:1-6 ...
You know the presence of the Holy Spirit, when all three aspects are present:
Unity amongst believers
Love amongst believers and for the lost
Peace ruling over the Church and in the Christian's lives
January 29, 2016
Seeking Joy
Paul writes this from prison and he writes about joy and gain. A sharp contrast with the life he was living ... or was it?
Philippians 1:8-11
Grow to love more like Jesus by:
Experience God's Love Yourself
It is not enough to read about God's love for you.
You need to, you have to experience it - to understand it!
Relationship with God:
Prayer
Understanding
Seeking
Listening to the Holy Spirit
Understanding
Seeking
Repenting
repeat as needed ...
Service
Choosing What Is Excellent
Discernment - ability to know wrong from right, what is of God or not, lie from truth.
Comes with maturity and study, with the Holy Spirit working in you.
We are all told to test everything - you are supposed to have this!
If you do not study, you will not know, you will not be able to judge.
Conversely, if we take our eyes off God for a moment, we can be surprised ...
Praise Everyday
Give thanks in all.
Concentrate on seeing life's positives.
Do not only view the negative!
Be of help to all, even strangers, do not expect them to acknowledge you.
See all you do as being for Jesus, in His name, for His good, not your own.
What you can not see as being for Jesus, you probably need to step away from as soon as possible.
Bring glory to Jesus.
Bring glory to God.
Just let go of pride, fear, hate, jealousies, all that is not of God.
Seek to love as Jesus demonstrated.
Philippians 1:8-11
Grow to love more like Jesus by:
Experience God's Love Yourself
It is not enough to read about God's love for you.
You need to, you have to experience it - to understand it!
Relationship with God:
Prayer
Understanding
Seeking
Listening to the Holy Spirit
Understanding
Seeking
Repenting
repeat as needed ...
Service
Choosing What Is Excellent
Discernment - ability to know wrong from right, what is of God or not, lie from truth.
Comes with maturity and study, with the Holy Spirit working in you.
We are all told to test everything - you are supposed to have this!
If you do not study, you will not know, you will not be able to judge.
Conversely, if we take our eyes off God for a moment, we can be surprised ...
Praise Everyday
Give thanks in all.
Concentrate on seeing life's positives.
Do not only view the negative!
Be of help to all, even strangers, do not expect them to acknowledge you.
See all you do as being for Jesus, in His name, for His good, not your own.
What you can not see as being for Jesus, you probably need to step away from as soon as possible.
Bring glory to Jesus.
Bring glory to God.
Just let go of pride, fear, hate, jealousies, all that is not of God.
Seek to love as Jesus demonstrated.
January 12, 2016
Dealing With Reality
Producing these blog posts has been an exercise in futility it seems. A normal post takes me days to produce. Why? Because my attempts are complicated by the complete loss of my memory ... to the
point of having to re-learn language again and I still daily encounter
words I no longer know. Sigh. I am working on English now, but my
Latin is gone, as are French, German, Spanish and Russian. Occasionally
I think I have the right word and come up with something wholly not
understandable. Like talking with my Spanish friend and I realize that
the words I just used were Russian. Sigh. So, understand all posts since the beginning of October have been a struggle!
So many, and I need to emphasize MANY, have come up to me with variations of this thought:
No bragging here, I am hearing this stuff daily from those I deal with and those I only see at church weekly.
I am nothing special but make no mistake, God is blessing me - I have no idea why and I am sort of worried at what He is expecting from me when I am healed enough to live life again - if ever.
Partly, I can understand, my life view is very German or European based. I rarely look backwards, except to kick my own butt. I start a day not with a review of yesterday, but with an evaluation of where am I at the moment and where do I go from here? Yeah, totally foreign to all Americans I have ever met. I have driven managers crazy whom want to castrate me in a business meeting with: "Well, we can dwell on the mistake or we can dwell on the solution. Are you interested in the solution?" Yeah, that sort of takes the wind out of everyone's sails. But, that is my internal workings, always has been.
So I see the massive failure of my body, the loss of a limb which will majorly change my life forever, but I do not dwell on the loss - but on how do I go forward from here.
There is no courage arising from this, that is an attribute of my character He created within me.
Any inspiration is merely a reflection upon what God is capable of doing, I have nothing to do with it!
As a witness? Uhm, just living my life, as I always have ...
Peace is because my desires have always been to walk behind Him, not in front of Him.
Joy, well, we talked about that last week.
As for opinions of me, well there are those whom are surprised and those whom do not know me well.
And you might be amazed at what a man can take when he is not self centered in his pursuits.
People see and interpret what they want to.
I know from a past lesson, the greatest of innocence can be seen as utter evil, if the heart viewing you is sold out to evil. This understanding was the greatest shock of my life and remains an open wound. One day God will deal with this, but for now - I just have to be faithful to what I know.
Someone sees a person utterly reduced physically to being completely dependent up on others, well, I hope you hop in and help them! I know for me, those I should have been able to count on - were not there for me. Those whom should have been able, chose not to be. These were not my decisions, these are others decisions and God will reward them accordingly ... sigh ... and I will be expected to be there for them ... sigh ... such is our egocentric culture.
But, I have been learning to do what I can do.
When I see someone, usually elderly, with a walk or foot orientation that was similar to what I had in 2013 - I have a talk with them. Whether they chose to see their doctor now or when their leg shatters is up to them. I can only recommend to them from my experience.
When I hear of one in the hospital, I try to go see them. I am limited in my ability to travel at the moment but I do try and if they are on Facebook I can message them.
And when someone wants to help me but can not ... I am to assure them that - that is fine and thank them for their best desire/effort. Poor Swede has just been flattened for weeks and unable to help me for instance. He feels horrible guilt because he sees my need and complete lack of support, but God does provide for me in my need. Might not be what one would desire but it is what He provides.
When you are forced to face reality ... one must adapt, one must put all on God, one must do what one can ... The alternative is not so desirable.
So many, and I need to emphasize MANY, have come up to me with variations of this thought:
- I never thought someone could take this
- I never thought you were capable of this
- I am overcome by your joy
- How can you have such peace?
- You have become a witness to all around you
- Incredible courage ...
- You are an inspiration
No bragging here, I am hearing this stuff daily from those I deal with and those I only see at church weekly.
I am nothing special but make no mistake, God is blessing me - I have no idea why and I am sort of worried at what He is expecting from me when I am healed enough to live life again - if ever.
Partly, I can understand, my life view is very German or European based. I rarely look backwards, except to kick my own butt. I start a day not with a review of yesterday, but with an evaluation of where am I at the moment and where do I go from here? Yeah, totally foreign to all Americans I have ever met. I have driven managers crazy whom want to castrate me in a business meeting with: "Well, we can dwell on the mistake or we can dwell on the solution. Are you interested in the solution?" Yeah, that sort of takes the wind out of everyone's sails. But, that is my internal workings, always has been.
So I see the massive failure of my body, the loss of a limb which will majorly change my life forever, but I do not dwell on the loss - but on how do I go forward from here.
There is no courage arising from this, that is an attribute of my character He created within me.
Any inspiration is merely a reflection upon what God is capable of doing, I have nothing to do with it!
As a witness? Uhm, just living my life, as I always have ...
Peace is because my desires have always been to walk behind Him, not in front of Him.
Joy, well, we talked about that last week.
As for opinions of me, well there are those whom are surprised and those whom do not know me well.
And you might be amazed at what a man can take when he is not self centered in his pursuits.
People see and interpret what they want to.
I know from a past lesson, the greatest of innocence can be seen as utter evil, if the heart viewing you is sold out to evil. This understanding was the greatest shock of my life and remains an open wound. One day God will deal with this, but for now - I just have to be faithful to what I know.
Someone sees a person utterly reduced physically to being completely dependent up on others, well, I hope you hop in and help them! I know for me, those I should have been able to count on - were not there for me. Those whom should have been able, chose not to be. These were not my decisions, these are others decisions and God will reward them accordingly ... sigh ... and I will be expected to be there for them ... sigh ... such is our egocentric culture.
But, I have been learning to do what I can do.
When I see someone, usually elderly, with a walk or foot orientation that was similar to what I had in 2013 - I have a talk with them. Whether they chose to see their doctor now or when their leg shatters is up to them. I can only recommend to them from my experience.
When I hear of one in the hospital, I try to go see them. I am limited in my ability to travel at the moment but I do try and if they are on Facebook I can message them.
And when someone wants to help me but can not ... I am to assure them that - that is fine and thank them for their best desire/effort. Poor Swede has just been flattened for weeks and unable to help me for instance. He feels horrible guilt because he sees my need and complete lack of support, but God does provide for me in my need. Might not be what one would desire but it is what He provides.
When you are forced to face reality ... one must adapt, one must put all on God, one must do what one can ... The alternative is not so desirable.
January 4, 2016
Religionless
I finished my reading of Dietrich Bonhoeffer's, Letters From Prison. I marked a few pages to go back to and think about after I was done. Terms we have today in Theology really were not in wide usage in the 1940's - much less to a German in a prison awaiting death.
Religionless is one of those terms. Bonhoeffer had seen during the war, the falling away of a people rich in Christian tradition and he had no way to describe the status of this new people other than religionless. From April 30, 1944:
" ... What is bothering me incessantly is the question what Christianity really is, or indeed who Christ really is, for us today. The time when people could be told everything by means of words, whether theological or pious, is over, and so is the time of inwardness and conscience - and that means the time of religion in general. We are moving towards a completely religionless time; people as they are now simply cannot be religious any more. Even those who honestly describe themselves as "religious" do not in the least act up to it, and so they presumably mean something quite different by "religious".
.....
Are there religionless Christians? If religion is on a garment of Christianity - and even this garment has looked very different at different times - then what is a religionless Christianity? ... "
Of course, the issue Bonhoeffer had stumbled across was that society and culture was turning away from God and becoming atheistic. A thought which would have confounded him mightily. His beloved German had indeed turned from God. Well rot starts at the top and the National Church (Lutheran), as well as, the Catholic priesthood had openly accepted National Socialism and the powers that be were more than happy to have lots of photographs taken showing the church leaders all in stiff arm salutes to Hitler.
How would you have reacted? Your pastor, priest, bishop - what have you, is openly accepting evil in the open. Your faith is weak because the National Church has no requirement that you have any faith in God what so ever. Yeah, you are going to abandon that faith and stay home from now on - you become religionless aka an atheist.
Bonhoeffer's predecessor at the head of the Church, Karl Barth, had noticed this falling away as well, but had no solution. The people had fallen into secularism, they needed to be called back into the congregations ... but ... outside of saying they needed to be restored, there was no wisdom passed on.
Today, we see this problem clearly. We understand that it is the Holy Spirit's responsibility to call people as well as call them back in the event they fall. But just as in Bonhoeffer's day, we see that "faithful" using God as nothing more than the impersonal "deus ex machina" - the problem solver to save our bacon when we go astray, foul up, we have no other options to fix the problem ...
Of course, God is the best problem solver, He is even better at helping you avoid those problems in the first place as well - but that requires a personal relationship with Him, not a superficial one! And well, mankind anymore seems to think a superficial relationship is just fine. God exists to serve man and his desires.
So, it seems that the ultimate end to the problem Barth and Bonhoeffer saw 70 years ago is not a drawing back of the believer but rather paganism. We now create gods to be what we want, that serve us, deride those whom are not willing to do so and go our merry way - ignore those whom care about us and desire to turn us back to the one true God.
Yeah, my reading of Bonhoeffer this time really cleared up the very same questions for me as well - only this time I could see the parallel as well as the ultimate goal Evil has brought mankind to. And I will address this next month ... lots more thinking to do!
Religionless is one of those terms. Bonhoeffer had seen during the war, the falling away of a people rich in Christian tradition and he had no way to describe the status of this new people other than religionless. From April 30, 1944:
" ... What is bothering me incessantly is the question what Christianity really is, or indeed who Christ really is, for us today. The time when people could be told everything by means of words, whether theological or pious, is over, and so is the time of inwardness and conscience - and that means the time of religion in general. We are moving towards a completely religionless time; people as they are now simply cannot be religious any more. Even those who honestly describe themselves as "religious" do not in the least act up to it, and so they presumably mean something quite different by "religious".
.....
Are there religionless Christians? If religion is on a garment of Christianity - and even this garment has looked very different at different times - then what is a religionless Christianity? ... "
Of course, the issue Bonhoeffer had stumbled across was that society and culture was turning away from God and becoming atheistic. A thought which would have confounded him mightily. His beloved German had indeed turned from God. Well rot starts at the top and the National Church (Lutheran), as well as, the Catholic priesthood had openly accepted National Socialism and the powers that be were more than happy to have lots of photographs taken showing the church leaders all in stiff arm salutes to Hitler.
How would you have reacted? Your pastor, priest, bishop - what have you, is openly accepting evil in the open. Your faith is weak because the National Church has no requirement that you have any faith in God what so ever. Yeah, you are going to abandon that faith and stay home from now on - you become religionless aka an atheist.
Bonhoeffer's predecessor at the head of the Church, Karl Barth, had noticed this falling away as well, but had no solution. The people had fallen into secularism, they needed to be called back into the congregations ... but ... outside of saying they needed to be restored, there was no wisdom passed on.
Today, we see this problem clearly. We understand that it is the Holy Spirit's responsibility to call people as well as call them back in the event they fall. But just as in Bonhoeffer's day, we see that "faithful" using God as nothing more than the impersonal "deus ex machina" - the problem solver to save our bacon when we go astray, foul up, we have no other options to fix the problem ...
Of course, God is the best problem solver, He is even better at helping you avoid those problems in the first place as well - but that requires a personal relationship with Him, not a superficial one! And well, mankind anymore seems to think a superficial relationship is just fine. God exists to serve man and his desires.
So, it seems that the ultimate end to the problem Barth and Bonhoeffer saw 70 years ago is not a drawing back of the believer but rather paganism. We now create gods to be what we want, that serve us, deride those whom are not willing to do so and go our merry way - ignore those whom care about us and desire to turn us back to the one true God.
Yeah, my reading of Bonhoeffer this time really cleared up the very same questions for me as well - only this time I could see the parallel as well as the ultimate goal Evil has brought mankind to. And I will address this next month ... lots more thinking to do!
July 8, 2015
Do You REALLY Care?
You would not know it about this culture which surrounds the lives of those whom "claim" to be "christian", nor by their behavior in any given situation - but CHRISTIANS are called to be "CARING" - towards each other, towards the lost, towards the culture as a witness! Nowhere are we told to be anything other than loving ...
Mark 7:31 - 37
If you desire to care, as Jesus cared, there are four things you must do:
Nothing shows this more meaningfully for me that my involvement in the Seattle gay community during the 1980 to 1984 timeframe. I was selling cut stones back then and I was to become friends with 34 men of the local community whom "deemed" me as being "real". These men, I counted as friends, as they did me. It was a horrible time, these men knew they were dying and why, I did witness to each of them - with NO observed changes in 33 of them. That did not mean I wrote them off ... I stayed, I helped care for them - at a time when no one understood what the disease was nor fully its transmission, until they died. Oh how that hurt to lose so many in so short a time.
One of them however, did repent, he did turn to God - he even explained to me he desired no healing, he deserved death. He understood his choices had cost him heavily and this was what was necessary for him to have found salvation. I remained in his family's life at least until the "christian" media descended upon them in order to capitalize on his death. I always wondered how you tell someone's story when you cut out the politically incorrect one to have cared enough to risk self and identify with him .... I never saw the special they ran, no reason to, I knew the story, it is no different than any of our stories - we do what we want to do, are surprised when we get caught and complain when we have consequences.
You have to KNOW your own testimony and why it is relevant to them and you!
You have to understand where they are coming from - lost in sin and it ain't pretty!
Then how to communicate what they need to know and do ...
But, this is oh so much in the realm of the Holy Spirit, not of you at all.
In my opening here I already spoke on Identity, you do not have to KNOW and PRACTICED their sin - you are a sinner, you have lots of practice. So, get off the soap box and reach out to real people, once you are ...
But, none of this possible unless you are willing to live for Jesus alone - completely changed on the inside, knowing what is real and what is not. And God will lead you were you never expected, once you can do this ...
Oh yeah, I need to mention once again that you will be turned on by friends and family alike - and you still get to love them in their Satanic hatred of you ...
Mark 7:31 - 37
If you desire to care, as Jesus cared, there are four things you must do:
- Care Individually
- Communicate Clearly
- Identify Fully
- Be Changed Completely
Nothing shows this more meaningfully for me that my involvement in the Seattle gay community during the 1980 to 1984 timeframe. I was selling cut stones back then and I was to become friends with 34 men of the local community whom "deemed" me as being "real". These men, I counted as friends, as they did me. It was a horrible time, these men knew they were dying and why, I did witness to each of them - with NO observed changes in 33 of them. That did not mean I wrote them off ... I stayed, I helped care for them - at a time when no one understood what the disease was nor fully its transmission, until they died. Oh how that hurt to lose so many in so short a time.
One of them however, did repent, he did turn to God - he even explained to me he desired no healing, he deserved death. He understood his choices had cost him heavily and this was what was necessary for him to have found salvation. I remained in his family's life at least until the "christian" media descended upon them in order to capitalize on his death. I always wondered how you tell someone's story when you cut out the politically incorrect one to have cared enough to risk self and identify with him .... I never saw the special they ran, no reason to, I knew the story, it is no different than any of our stories - we do what we want to do, are surprised when we get caught and complain when we have consequences.
You have to KNOW your own testimony and why it is relevant to them and you!
You have to understand where they are coming from - lost in sin and it ain't pretty!
Then how to communicate what they need to know and do ...
But, this is oh so much in the realm of the Holy Spirit, not of you at all.
In my opening here I already spoke on Identity, you do not have to KNOW and PRACTICED their sin - you are a sinner, you have lots of practice. So, get off the soap box and reach out to real people, once you are ...
But, none of this possible unless you are willing to live for Jesus alone - completely changed on the inside, knowing what is real and what is not. And God will lead you were you never expected, once you can do this ...
Oh yeah, I need to mention once again that you will be turned on by friends and family alike - and you still get to love them in their Satanic hatred of you ...
March 23, 2015
Anger
(re-reading this several days later - and oh my gosh! You would not realize that English is my third language! Oh heavens! My apologies! I hope I get it cleaned up correctly this time!)
I have one area of sin I am victim to: pride.
It is subtle.
It is when I put myself ahead of God in what I am doing..
It is never observed until I find I have been tripped up by Satan.
Then, well, yeah, I have to repent and try harder for no new next time.
I do not talk about my pre-Christian life, there is very little to say of any value to anyone.
I was quite simply the most violent person you have never been able to even imagine.
Sorry, Hollywood is not going to be able to help you here.
Killer Elite, came even close to the level of violence I am referring to here.
And violence was triggered back then by my reaction of anger. Note: not an emotion of anger.
Emotional anger is consuming until it is vented.
Reactionary anger is there, then it is not, it has a trigger, it is not a force.
And that trigger has always been injustice for me.
Show me an injustice, I will show you a victim in the making. Pure and simple.
And that was how my private life and early military experience went.
And the US Government was happy then, but just wait until my book is published !!!!!
I mentioned across the past weeks that Satan has been banging on me like there is no tomorrow!
And I could not figure out why.
Then I had a day straight out of the Twilight Zone.
Everything was weird, nothing normal was happening, and I realized - in time - Satan was trying to get me to react in anger to all that was befallen me.
Now understanding, I was able to succeed in putting this behind me.
I was not going to be falling prey to anger again, and the past it drags forward each time.
(Yeah, later Satan nailed me with Pride yet again ... sigh ... start over, AGAIN!)
So last week I was at an awards presentation for some Christian kids - and - well - all @#$% was to break lose over the disappointment expressed by some. In fact it grew into a mini riot as 20 kids started trashing things! Really? And ANGER rose up in me and I exploded.
I hit a table so hard that kids, heck parents, all sat down instantly and there was utter quiet. And, none to quietly I lashed out at them with a lecture concerning respect ...
I hear myself talking, but it is not me, hearing words I can remember from my discipleship back in the Hutterite Community and I can see that I am angry but it is not a bad anger that is going to lead to sin - it is ultimately calling the kids and adults to repent.
Two verses came to mind and I covered them in-depth, how they affected themselves, how they were damaging others and in violation of Jesus direct words .....
The easiest summation is that if you do not respect yourself, you will never be able to respect others.
If you can not show respect to others, no one will ever respect you.
The Christian life you are called to is to put the other first - not you. Nothing in life is about you!
Utter silence followed ...
Then an 8th grade girl says, "Do you mean to tell me that life is about my being able to put others before me and my wants and desires?"
She turns and looks that the others, "Is that stupidest thing you have ever heard or what?"
And all went their way.
So, I went out of my way to contact this group and see where they were a day later.
Averted eyes, very quiet, respectful.
Hmmmm, so there is a kind of anger which is good, if used by God to call His own into account.
Cool ...
I have one area of sin I am victim to: pride.
It is subtle.
It is when I put myself ahead of God in what I am doing..
It is never observed until I find I have been tripped up by Satan.
Then, well, yeah, I have to repent and try harder for no new next time.
I do not talk about my pre-Christian life, there is very little to say of any value to anyone.
I was quite simply the most violent person you have never been able to even imagine.
Sorry, Hollywood is not going to be able to help you here.
Killer Elite, came even close to the level of violence I am referring to here.
And violence was triggered back then by my reaction of anger. Note: not an emotion of anger.
Emotional anger is consuming until it is vented.
Reactionary anger is there, then it is not, it has a trigger, it is not a force.
And that trigger has always been injustice for me.
Show me an injustice, I will show you a victim in the making. Pure and simple.
And that was how my private life and early military experience went.
And the US Government was happy then, but just wait until my book is published !!!!!
I mentioned across the past weeks that Satan has been banging on me like there is no tomorrow!
And I could not figure out why.
Then I had a day straight out of the Twilight Zone.
Everything was weird, nothing normal was happening, and I realized - in time - Satan was trying to get me to react in anger to all that was befallen me.
Now understanding, I was able to succeed in putting this behind me.
I was not going to be falling prey to anger again, and the past it drags forward each time.
(Yeah, later Satan nailed me with Pride yet again ... sigh ... start over, AGAIN!)
So last week I was at an awards presentation for some Christian kids - and - well - all @#$% was to break lose over the disappointment expressed by some. In fact it grew into a mini riot as 20 kids started trashing things! Really? And ANGER rose up in me and I exploded.
I hit a table so hard that kids, heck parents, all sat down instantly and there was utter quiet. And, none to quietly I lashed out at them with a lecture concerning respect ...
I hear myself talking, but it is not me, hearing words I can remember from my discipleship back in the Hutterite Community and I can see that I am angry but it is not a bad anger that is going to lead to sin - it is ultimately calling the kids and adults to repent.
Two verses came to mind and I covered them in-depth, how they affected themselves, how they were damaging others and in violation of Jesus direct words .....
Mark 12:31
31 The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no commandment greater than these.”Luke 6:31
31 Do to others as you would have them do to you.The easiest summation is that if you do not respect yourself, you will never be able to respect others.
If you can not show respect to others, no one will ever respect you.
The Christian life you are called to is to put the other first - not you. Nothing in life is about you!
Utter silence followed ...
Then an 8th grade girl says, "Do you mean to tell me that life is about my being able to put others before me and my wants and desires?"
She turns and looks that the others, "Is that stupidest thing you have ever heard or what?"
And all went their way.
So, I went out of my way to contact this group and see where they were a day later.
Averted eyes, very quiet, respectful.
Hmmmm, so there is a kind of anger which is good, if used by God to call His own into account.
Cool ...
January 15, 2015
What Does The Bible Say About Itself?
Objective
Universal
Eternal
Truth
Word of God
Accurate
Trusted
Divine Inspiration
- Luke 1:1-4
- 2 Corinthians 4:2-6
- 2 Peter 1:16-20
- 1 John 1:1-4
Universal
- Hebrews 1:1-3
- Ephesians 3:7-11
- Acts 17:29-31
- Titus 2:11-14
- Hebrews 14:12-13
Eternal
- Matthew 5:17-19
- John 6:68
- John 12:50
- 1 Peter 1:24-25
Truth
- John 1:1
- John 1:14
- John 1:17-18
- John 14:6
- John 14:15
- John 16:13
- John 17:7
- John 18:27
- 1 John 1:14
- 1 John 4:6
- 1 Timothy 3:15-16
Word of God
- 2 Timothy 3:16
- 2 Peter 1:20
- John 17:7-8
- John 17:17
Accurate
- Exodus 24:4-7
- Luke 1:1-14
- Romans 15:4
- Revelation 1:19
Trusted
- Matthew 5:17-18
- Matthew 19-4
- John 14:25
- John 17:7-8
- John 17: 13-14
Divine Inspiration
- 1 Corinthians 2:9-13
- 1 Corinthians 14:37
- 2 Thessalonians 2:13-15
- 2 Peter 3:15-16
- 1 John 1:1-4
- 2 Timothy 3:15-16
November 10, 2014
Sadness
Ever so often I become morose and introspective ... a dangerous situation for me to be in ... for the old me. This is the first time since a new Kris was born. So, it is with some interest I look to see how this turns out, perhaps different, perhaps not. We will know by tomorrow I am sure.
And so I despair.
The weekend's antique show was a bit of a bust. I was unable to put anything together to take, just still flat on my lips from the heart surgery. I can lift maybe 8 pounds only but bending over is impossible. So, I just helped my mother with her sales, wrapping and packaging, being nice to people when she was unable to be. She has become more bitter across the past year and that took its toll on my heart - luckily I carry nitro everywhere anymore.
Cotton Candy girl did not show up for the first time since I started doing this show five years ago. I had looked forward to catching up with her and learning what is new. And heavens knows, with a football game on Sunday, NO ONE showed up, except bored dealers. So plenty of chat time, just no one to chat with really. Now I will have to hunt through Facebook and see if she is still on there!
The damaged girl, I have often spoken of in the past, that works for the show as I had learned last year, was there. She talked with me again this year. Old Kris would have known what to say. New Kris? Not so much. I understand her pain now and there are no words to comfort the destruction of a human being. Empathy, guess I have learned it now. And the value of silence in a discussion ...
My friend melted down and I tried to communicate but I fear there were too many walls, too many filters in play, for me to get through.
My other friend has not talked to me in weeks it seems like, so it has been lonely dwelling on the present and the future. Forget the past, it sucks too much to bring up in my mind.
Swede and Dutchman have been busy. Amazing how busy retired guys can get! Of course, Dutchman is feverishly working on the next generation of stored energy and a cancer detection system. Swede, I understand has been busy with joining a church up where he is living.
Ever so often my mother's older brother pops up. And he did via telephone to report that his wife died again. It is interesting how they keep dying on him. This was number three that we know of. Although I am considered the black sheep of the family - mostly because I do not do as told, he truly is the black sheep of mother's family. It seems he never read of a sin he did not want to commit - and did - with associated prison time in there as well. He has been hiding in Alaska since 1965! Grandmother had a detective do a search several years ago to see if there were any outstanding warrants on him, but he appears clean. So the family does not understand his refusal to come down to Washington State, since everyone else lives here or is in and out of here continually.
Interestingly, for as black a sheep as he is, for all of the sin he has committed, a few years back he came to Jesus for salvation. Really, think on that! Someone so lost in sin that there was nothing he had not done, nor would not do - somehow the Holy Spirit got to him and drove him to his knees! That alone tells me that there is NO ONE on Earth whom is not reachable!
But, just because you are a new creation does not mean that you do not have to carry the stigma of whom you were around with you. The past is the past, but Satan will always dredge it up if he can to shake your new faith and hopefully lure you back into sin again! The trick is to know that he will and always be prepared to throw it back in his face and upon Jesus shoulders. Yeah, a reoccurring theme for all Christians with a past.
I feel sorry for the man, at having lost his wife. Loneliness is hard, probably more so when you are in your 80's and in need and a long winter stretches before him.
If 2014 were to be summed up for me it would be to say that I now know loneliness and understand the importance of true friendship. I have learned of the need for love and to love. All while surrounded by an emotional vacuum. And I know despair.
So I understand my uncle's predicament. Does not make him any nicer of a man, he still carries the curse of being (not a very nice person), but he is my brother now in the Lord and whether he is still a (not a very nice person) or truly changed, he is worth of my prayers and compassion in the Lord.
How much more so for those I truly care about?
Well, I can wallow in my despair - or I can pray for my friends and family - those I personally care for and about. Casting that despair to Jesus and though not filled with joy, still devote my energies towards the betterment of others through prayer and not upon myself ...
And so I despair.
The weekend's antique show was a bit of a bust. I was unable to put anything together to take, just still flat on my lips from the heart surgery. I can lift maybe 8 pounds only but bending over is impossible. So, I just helped my mother with her sales, wrapping and packaging, being nice to people when she was unable to be. She has become more bitter across the past year and that took its toll on my heart - luckily I carry nitro everywhere anymore.
Cotton Candy girl did not show up for the first time since I started doing this show five years ago. I had looked forward to catching up with her and learning what is new. And heavens knows, with a football game on Sunday, NO ONE showed up, except bored dealers. So plenty of chat time, just no one to chat with really. Now I will have to hunt through Facebook and see if she is still on there!
The damaged girl, I have often spoken of in the past, that works for the show as I had learned last year, was there. She talked with me again this year. Old Kris would have known what to say. New Kris? Not so much. I understand her pain now and there are no words to comfort the destruction of a human being. Empathy, guess I have learned it now. And the value of silence in a discussion ...
My friend melted down and I tried to communicate but I fear there were too many walls, too many filters in play, for me to get through.
My other friend has not talked to me in weeks it seems like, so it has been lonely dwelling on the present and the future. Forget the past, it sucks too much to bring up in my mind.
Swede and Dutchman have been busy. Amazing how busy retired guys can get! Of course, Dutchman is feverishly working on the next generation of stored energy and a cancer detection system. Swede, I understand has been busy with joining a church up where he is living.
Ever so often my mother's older brother pops up. And he did via telephone to report that his wife died again. It is interesting how they keep dying on him. This was number three that we know of. Although I am considered the black sheep of the family - mostly because I do not do as told, he truly is the black sheep of mother's family. It seems he never read of a sin he did not want to commit - and did - with associated prison time in there as well. He has been hiding in Alaska since 1965! Grandmother had a detective do a search several years ago to see if there were any outstanding warrants on him, but he appears clean. So the family does not understand his refusal to come down to Washington State, since everyone else lives here or is in and out of here continually.
Interestingly, for as black a sheep as he is, for all of the sin he has committed, a few years back he came to Jesus for salvation. Really, think on that! Someone so lost in sin that there was nothing he had not done, nor would not do - somehow the Holy Spirit got to him and drove him to his knees! That alone tells me that there is NO ONE on Earth whom is not reachable!
But, just because you are a new creation does not mean that you do not have to carry the stigma of whom you were around with you. The past is the past, but Satan will always dredge it up if he can to shake your new faith and hopefully lure you back into sin again! The trick is to know that he will and always be prepared to throw it back in his face and upon Jesus shoulders. Yeah, a reoccurring theme for all Christians with a past.
I feel sorry for the man, at having lost his wife. Loneliness is hard, probably more so when you are in your 80's and in need and a long winter stretches before him.
If 2014 were to be summed up for me it would be to say that I now know loneliness and understand the importance of true friendship. I have learned of the need for love and to love. All while surrounded by an emotional vacuum. And I know despair.
So I understand my uncle's predicament. Does not make him any nicer of a man, he still carries the curse of being (not a very nice person), but he is my brother now in the Lord and whether he is still a (not a very nice person) or truly changed, he is worth of my prayers and compassion in the Lord.
How much more so for those I truly care about?
Well, I can wallow in my despair - or I can pray for my friends and family - those I personally care for and about. Casting that despair to Jesus and though not filled with joy, still devote my energies towards the betterment of others through prayer and not upon myself ...
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