Another Beautiful Texas Morning (repaired)

Always an honor to be a part of this group. I play no role, just a jinked rabbit's foot. But, I love space, I love rockets, I love innovation these guys have gone to - to make something work so well!

Yesterday was a success - a height of 58 miles above the earth attained. Rocket traveled at three times the speed of the sound barrier. Crew capsule separated and landed successfully!

It was unfortunate that the launch module was not recoverable due to a very minor flaw.  But, next time, right?

The original video I posted for this disappeared, so here is a retry!

Nervous

It is Wednesday.
Another visit with the surgeon this afternoon.
Will the fall I took on Saturday spell doom for me?
What about the fall in the bathroom on Monday?
Is my ankle broken again?

Is it back to bed for me?
Is the titanium foot internals hosed?
Is it just muscle damage?
Is the internal stitching ruined?
Is another surgery required?

Just very nervous.
Trapped by fate.
No options.
No hope if I screwed up.
Prayer, lots of prayer needed.

And well, actually,
Nope is about right,
If I heal,
I have little hope of future,
If I do not heal,
Same ol', same ol'.

In Disaster

We know as Christians that we have an obligation to our fellow brother and sisters of the faith.  Lip service to pray for them, but we never do.  And when disaster befalls non-Christians?  Well, I guess God is judging them - they have it coming!  Right?

Really?  Is that the understanding of the early Christian Church?

Well, actually no.  We know that the region of Galatia (modern Turkey), in particular Ephesus and north, was destroyed by massive flooding.  The Roman Empire, due to its own problems actually had no response.  The people of the region had no response either - they lost everything.  And though it took weeks, if not months, the Christian Churches of Mediterranean region amassed significant funds to help dig the region out, rebuild roads, etc.

And the people of the region were stunned.  Yes, there were Christians in the area but it was not just the Christians that the funds were used to assist.  Hmmmmm.  Want to guess what the Roman Response was?

Thunderstruck - that the very people being persecuted by the Empire, were the very ones digging the Empire out of a hole it had made for itself!  Awesome witness.

And today, with the sanitized Christian response to disaster:

• send in the Red Cross
• see if the Mormon Church is doing anything
• see if the government is doing anything
• donate your old clothes (usually inappropriate to the region it will go to!)
• donate canned food (usually outdated!)
• donate cash (in small amounts)
• rest easy and know you have done all you can

Sigh, modern charity is so self-fulfilling!

And I have thought on this for very many years now.  And then this morning, 7.8 earthquake in Nepal.  Our news service was undecided as to which story was more important: that 1500 were known dead in Katmandu or that an American climber died in an avalanche on Everest ... Really?  1500 lives are so insignificant to barely rate a mention but an America climber, member of Google, dies and suddenly that is the story!

I wonder how the response will be any different by governments, organizations, churches, Christians ...

Any takers on a bet?

Being a witness of the Truth of Jesus' life and salvation - begins and ends with you.
The exercise of charity, and all fruits of the Spirit, begins and ends with you.
If the people of Nepal or anyone, anywhere in the world, will ever see Jesus - it begins and ends with you.
There is no clean, hygienic,  impersonal way to pass off your responsibility Jesus has given you.
You are expected to share in the pain of our brothers and sisters.
You are expected to reachout to the lost world, in its pain and show them God's Love with no strings attached.
You are expected to spread seeds of witness to all around.
You are expected to share what God has given you to help others.
Even if a dollar, if that really is all you have, you are expected to reach out with it.

Sure there are lots of arguments here to be made for and against, but in the end, it is just a test of the hardness of your own heart and greed of the culture we live in...

Repreive

Twenty days since I went under the knife.  Sure I came out the other side of that operation with a titanium foot (which is kind of cool :) in a Terminator kind of way!) but it has cost me all freedom ever since.  Even from today, it is still three more days until I can see the surgeon again to have my stitches removed - please, please, please!!!!!!

So much bed time, to the point of bedsores covering most of my posterior and back, but then copious amounts of percocet made the time past unknown.  Then again time passes much to slowly.

I have read through a huge stack of magazines, cookbooks, my favorite Louis L'Amour (Haunted Mesa), watched mind numbing array of videos - made easier by the afore mentioned percocet.  By the way, many vampire movies make far more sense when your mind is fully blown!  Then again, I am a little fuzzy on the details now - LOL!

But, this weekend I decided to give myself a reprieve.  Yes, I am not wholly healed but I have got to have some human interaction or I will go crazy!

Thursday, Swedish Rocket Scientist - retired, spent the day with me.  Oh my gosh we had some brilliant conversations at lunch and cracked up everyone there.  I only wish I had any memory!

Friday, Knifemaker and his new bride went to dinner with me.  It was Mexican, as can be expected for him and me, and it does not hurt that his wife is from Chihuahua.  It was good to see several waiters I have known for many years.  Everyone loved my boot and wiggling toes poking through.  Very fun.  But when I explained about the now titanium structure of the foot - they all ran!  LOL!  It was a good evening.  (For those of you still praying for Norma, the woman with cancer, I found out from  her daughter that she is fighting the good fight - so lots more prayer for her please!)


And I had to try and drive just a little. :)

So Saturday I picked up my remaining local friend and we did breakfast-brunch-lunch, okay we were not in a hurry and talked alot :)  It was so good to drive and just be even slightly free!  And to see a friend I so rarely get to see.

After lunch we went to the Frye Museum.  Their current exhibit is the Art Deco Movement and ornamentation of homes and jewelry.  In reality, it was a selection of pages from the PAN magazine of 1895 to 1900.  So, lots of lithographs by French, German and English artists.  In all - eh.  But, a few of those etchings were quite outstanding!

Car gassed, a Wendy Burger housed under my belt, mail picked up and home - utterly exhausted ...

Then a late dinner with Youngest Daughter.  Only, I fell off of the porch, before I could even attempt the stairs!  I may have been overly tired, I may have been the utter klutz I usually am, but in the end I came to a crashing mess at the bottom of the stairs with the sudden realization that this might spell the doom of my new titanium foot!  Well, Wednesday will tell, I guess.  Sigh.

Freedom of mobility ... a gift you can not appreciate until it is removed but utter stupidity ...

And of course, my mother had to find out ... thank you YD!  So, I got ripped a new one by her for about 30 minutes straight.  In her insane world she believes I have people to help me so I can just lay in bed and heal.  In reality, no one is here except for me.  I have to care for the pets, try to do laundry, try to clean, try to wash, try to find food, because no one else will - and having to hop around on one foot, because most of this can not be done while on a scooter is near impossible.  OOOOO, that woman really gets under my skin!!!!!

I almost hope the appliance is damaged and i have to have surgery again - this time i will request a hospice i think ....

Musical Saturday Morning

Such a bittersweet song.
1976 was not a good year for me.
Abandoned and betrayed by those I trusted.
Not so unlike recent history repeating.



And if all I had to understand life with was my own wisdom, I could see why Chris Rhea believes God is not here.  The world we live in corrupts and destroys all innocence.  Just as twice I have seen my life destroyed.  Yet, God does exist, He is there, He quietly waits for us to be yielded to him - and then life begins again ...

Desperation

If this is something I have experienced, then it must be something common to all mankind.  Whatever your situation and/or problem, you can become desperate.  From the desire for children to finding someone special, from looking for employment to trying to get ahead, the opportunities for desperation are abundant!  For me, I get a bit down in the mouth these days over my unemployment, the desire to be accepted, to just have peace in my life and of course - - - wouldn't a car be incredible helpful!?!?!?!?  Yeah, a bit shallow, unless you lack all of these in your life, then you realize that life is more than just a bit of a challenge.

Mark 5:25-34

A familiar tale: Jesus is on His way to heal a 12 year old girl, then a woman pops up in the crowd and touches his robe in her search for healing ...

Do Not Let Your Problem Define You
The woman had defined herself with her problem.  Culturally, that is reasonably!
Both the woman and the girl both needed Jesus' touch and healing.
Both were healed.
Young and old the same.
Jesus defines us as HIS, that is why he came, to redefine us.

Stop Looking In The Wrong Places
The woman did things her way with no results for 12 years.
She spent all of her money seeking a cure:

• Drink wine an onion was boiled in
• Sit at a cross-road
• Eat the barley from the dung of a white donkey
• Use clay to seal the site of the bleeding
• Be frightened and ordered to stop bleeding

These First Century AD "cures" for uncontrollable bleeding or course are bogus but never let it be said that the doctors did not charge her the best they could!  I am sure some of the doctors had the best of intentions and did their best help her.  But, what she really needed was Jesus.

Overcome Your Excuses
The woman, because of her problem, was prohibited from being in villages, around other Jews, she was unclean!
She broke tradition and culture by going into a crowd, by approaching a man, by touching a rabbi!
She made no excuses for herself.

Know You Are Saved/Healed By Faith Alone
Faith opens closed doors
Faith shows persistence
Faith is demonstrated by action
Her action brought her salvation
Conversely, action without faith will bring no salvation

In the end, my desperation, my despair, is about my personal faith issue - my eyes are on me not God.
I want to do things my way, not God's (darn pride!).
I have to sit back, my eyes on God, my hope in God, in faith knowing He will redeem me and set as it should be.

Standing

I have worked with junior high, high school, college and adult level teaching opportunities since 1974.  I really did not have a choice, God opened the door and threw me in.  When one venue wrapped up, another would appear and so it has been now for 41 years!  I probably have learned more through teaching than any of my students did!

But, one thing is a constant through the years: the appalling drop out rate from middle school age kids through young adults attending church - much less - Sunday School!  As a generality it has always  been of about 75% of those whom were in middle school that are gone from all Church attendance by the end of college.  Only a 25% retention rate!  And from what I have seen in Canada, England, Scotland, Holland, Germany, Switzerland, Czechoslovakia, Poland and Russia - this is about the same world wide.  The world has a strong pull on this age group and they will wander away and become lost in the morass of the world and its ways if we are not there to help them stand strong ...

Philippians 2:12-18

We are supposed to be in the world but not a part of the world ...

Stand Up and Obey

We are commanded to love God.
We are commanded to love our neighbor.
The first priority is God and our right standing with Him.
Living out the fruit of our salvation.

Stand Out

Being good is not good enough!
Be a light for all to see.
Clear, bright, different!
That means you are counter-cultural!
Model God's love.

Stand With Jesus 

Romans 12: we are to be a living sacrifice to Jesus - not ourselves!
Worse yet, your/my family in the faith depends upon you and your ability here!

Yeah, I fail, you fail, everyone fails.  But, you get up, clean yourself off before God and try again.  You are the object of watchfulness by the young in the faith everywhere around you, people you do not even know.  But, they are watching, they are seeing your failure - and importantly - what do you do next .....

Boasting and Pride

Sometime ago, I had started out to cover the various aspects of James 3.  But, life, as usual intervened and I never managed to do this one I had laid up one day sitting in the doctor's office.

We already have talked about the tongue and its destructiveness before.  And this time I want to limit our thoughts to boasting and pride.

Why?  Because the words of Bob Hartigan's son continue to echo in my mind.  He was proud of his father and obviously he had learned much from his father, through his father's tales.  And, as a father, I think this is good - as long as what the father was boasting of - was worth boasting about.

1 Corinthians 4:6-7, not to compare with Apollus
II Corinthians 10:12-18, boast only in the Lord

Boasting only in the Lord and His works,
not in what you have done,
not comparing yourself to others,
tell of what God has done with you,
not as a standard for others to follow!

Galatians 6:14, not to boast except in the cross

And the cross was the embarrassment of the newly forming Christian faith.  Imagine a religious movement based upon the sacredness of the guillotine!  It is an instrument of death, not something to cherish.  Unlike the abomination of today's church, the cross was not held high - it was the shame of the faith!  It represented death - a state execution - for capital crimes.  Sure you can argue that the cross is a symbol, but it is not the symbol of life - which is what the entire Christian faith is about!

And Paul wants to boast in nothing but the cross, the vehicle of Jesus' death.

Since the cross is not about life, then Paul must be boasting in the price Jesus paid for his (Paul's) sin before God.  If innocent blood must have been shed, it could not be Paul's or our's, we are not without sin.  But, Jesus was, and He was the sacrifice - the payment - for sin.

Now that would be an interesting thing to brag about: my sin and Jesus' need to die in my place ...  ACK!!!!!

So, you get the point, we have nothing to boast about nor to take pride in.
But, that does bring up the question, since boasting and pride are both common problems with all of mankind - then how am I supposed to fight this natural tendency?

First up is ALWAYS prayer.  God can and will aid us in fighting our problems, usually by providing more opportunities for us to not fail this time by boasting or asserting yourself over others (or take you pick of sins)!  Sort of a painful learning curve on that one because if you keep failing at step one, then you keep getting hit at the first point of your learning curve until you pass that test!

Lots of prayer!  But, do not give up!  We have so many weaknesses and when we attempt to address them, well, it can be tough!!!!!  So, I have verses I consider:

Colossians 3:15, let the peace of God rule
Proverbs 16:6-19, wisdom is greater than gold; pride equals destruction
Ephesians 4:3, unity of the Spirit

Eyes on God, not me or others.
Mind on the things of God, not man.
Heart innocent before God, not blighted by sin.
Faith in God alone.

Inconcievable - In Passing

Settling: Morphine Haze
Where: Hospital
When: All friggin night long!!!!
Who: Every nurse ever born
What:  Ah, now that is the question ...

I really did not sleep for two solid days.  Constant noise, constant drama,  all emanating from my neighbor's area.  I barely saw him when I arrived - some 75+ year old guy, do not even know his name, but I sure got to know him across the following days.

Whatever he was in for was a fairly widespread organ failure.

So, quietly I lay.  He had three attendants 24 hours a day.  And he loved to talk.  Of course, with about four shifts, all stories are told and retold.  It worked with my morphine, somewhere in there I picked up his story.  A story I have thought hard on how to share ....

His stories placed him throughout the western United States, ski bum, womanizer, never met a substance that did not need abused.  He had destroyed his body and I found out he was born in 1978 - he is all of 37!

My mind roamed through his stories, dear God, I realized that could have been me laying there!  I had the perfect set up.  I was a downhill skier, 7'9" skis and all.  It was all math to me, I could "see" mathematical routes and percentages of success at speed, I had a natural instinct and was fast enough to please the judges.  But, God took me sideways and saved me from the logical outcome of that life.  (No, this is all history, no bragging.)

My mind marveled at God's Grace.  What made me "special".  He went far out of Hi s way to save me.  Why not my nameless roommate?

The stories continued.  Now on to about his father ...

The stories were all similar to his own, perhaps father partied harder, skied harder, and was what we all termed a worthless ski bum by the end.  He married along the way, two sons and a daughter.  By his death last year, wife was history but his kids all sat with him as he passed on.  And more stories of his father stretching back into high school.

Stories that suddenly overlaid my own!  And my mind was snapped to full awareness.  Who was this guy?  He skied my slopes, my same races, he camped my sites, his father's stories - were MY stories!  But, I held my tongue and remembered:


The 1972 tryouts (in 1971), I ran the names, but this guy was Colorado local.  There were lots of want-a-bees  But none of them went on to Provo that I had heard of EXCEPT for Bob.  And Bob was local, went to the neighboring high school, he was a Blue-Booter (to long a tale if I have never told it before).  It made sense, all of the stories would have only been possible if it was him.

But, Bob was dead?

Day three, four in the morning, shift change and the new nurse is loud and very noisey - I finally get to at least hear my neighbor's last name: Hartigan.

Yeah, Bob was dead, from a long wasted life of chasing dreams down ski slopes and drowning his pain through addiction and women.  He never had a chance, just as I knew I never had a chance.  No one was better than the Mahre brothers on US slopes ...  It had deviled me back then, it saddens me now that the dream Bob chased had killed him.  It was the only possible end to that lifestyle.

And that Grace God showed to me ... was it ever offered to Bob?  He was no less worthy, nor I more worthy than him.  I do not understand God's ways, much less the why behind the ways of man - much less my own nature.  But, then God's wisdom is the foolishness of man.  We are not capable of understanding nor seeing clearly.

Now to pass this unfortunate news on to the rest of the Blue Booters, we had been seeking Bob for quite sometime, with a reunion in mind ....
:(

Musical Saturday Morning

Narc-o-mares

I really hate what narcotics do to me.

I mean they do have their value - nothing cuts pain like a narcotic, except for black scorpion venom, but it acts like a narcotic and why such drugs as Ultram disappeared so rapidly in the market place.

The worse ever was one time dreaming I was on a bus with a very recently deceased co-worker.  I do not make friends quickly and their loss is mourned.  His death was a stunner, just as was that nightmare of being on a bus with him and talking just like any other day.  Too weird.

This morning I was awaken at the end of the latest nightmare wherein I am meeting brother Timmy at some exhibition all.  He is late, I have to go to the toilet, I hunt hi and low for one, find it, go in and there is a little kid in there playing and standing in the bowl.  Heck done that one a few thousand times!

Then the kid slipped and grabbed for the valve to catch themself .... WHOOSH!  Kid swept from sight!

So I ran outside to call 911 and they are demanding the kids name, parents address, etc.  Such utter stupidity ...

Timmy now walks up, tries to open the door - it is locked now, and suddently - it is too late to find that elusive toilet.

Sigh.

The inner angst of Kris: world run by idiots, spinning out of control and me unable to find a toilet as needed.

Sigh.

Hoping to be off narcotics very shortly .......

Infection

So it was a rather hard day on Tuesday.  Foot managed to get infected.  Man was I sick!

Had to be recast and I think I was asleep before the polyester resin had hardened!

On the other hand, my Polymer Chemist friend invented all of this back in the early 1970's, so it was a bito f a hoot to see how easy it was to do with what he had created.  Although, he himself was to receive a miles of this himself in 1978 when he crashed his bike!

Yeah, there really is a reason I am anti-bike ...

Well, still can not write well, so must close.  Having to rewrite almost all words three times (at least) is very tiring .,

Not well

sorry no up to posting:
delirium
fever
breathing problems
panic attacks
much pain

i thank you for texting, calling and emails - it takes my mind away from the present

but so very tired, now must rest

He Is Alive!

To quote my Grandmother, "Well, that was certainly unpleasant!"

Oh yeah.

Last Wednesday's surgery kicked my stuffings, and a few of my ancestors as well!  So my first time up and moving around.

As I had feared, care, much less quality of it are not there.  But, what surprise is there in that?  Every single day I get lectured to to the point on Tuesday I was driven into a massive angina attack!  Yeah, some people are just not satisfied that you are suffering, they have to grind their hatred out upon you.  Sigh ..

And all you can do is pray that God will open their hate filled hearts and show them the errors of their ways.  Not as satisfactory is the idea that they may not come to that realization until Jesus' foot is on their neck and I long gone.

Working on some photos for you.  It is just that I am only awake perhaps 5 to 8 minutes per hours ...

and yes, this kids is headed back to his perkocet haze.

The Quest

Unknown to me, I have been on a quest my entire life.

I always knew I was different.  The US Army in its blunder, in handling me, accidentally told me what my problem with humanity was.  But, I had no idea as to why.

It was not until forty years later that I did find out why, completely by accident again.  I was a freak of nature, defective DNA, supplied by another freak of nature, my father.  Yeah, well that one hurt.  He was long dead.  Not sure what I would have said to him in any event.

Knowing my problem, too late to repair damage caused around me, I sought to best understand how to communicate better, how to understand humans - I had mimed them my entire life.  I was tired of the act, I just wanted to be free to be me.  And since all hated me by now, it was not hard to be me - albeit with no acceptance from anyone.

God through numerous attempts, made me fully human.  It was beautiful, it was painful, it is more than I can bear at times.  I often thought myself insane.  I would beg God to please remove this "blessing" and let me return to the death I had lived in.

Yeah, that is how painful it was to suddenly find yourself as human ... and only two did care - albeit - a child's maturity in an adult form is a bit intense I guess.  sigh ....

Saturday's song was what triggered this post.  I had suddenly remembered that song from high school, and my first official girlfriend.  And with eyes of humanity, I can now look backwards and re-examine those years.  What did I find?  A point of confusion ...

I remember that point of confusion, right around my 18th birthday.  A sense that there was something greater to life than I knew or could understand.  Maybe, given a chance, last year could have occurred in 1973.  But, it was quickly lost in a bizarre series of events - that I honestly have problems remembering (even at the time!), much less understanding.

That feeling returned in 1975.  I was now a Christian.  Everything was great.  The negatives which existed I knew that God could handle.  And as I was driving down the street to my church (I was a youth pastor at the time) I was revisited by that same feeling from 1973.  "Something" existed I could not understand.  But, what was it?  I yearned to know and to understand.  But, again a massive attack against me threw me into a tailspin and I was left with nothing in the end.  Not even the memory of that drive until as I write this!

In the intervening years, I learned how to be the consummate actor.  I could model every reaction, every emotion, right on queue - and was completely dead on the inside.  I adopted and copied every phrase which attended every emotion.  This modeled Kris keep people away, I was just normal, a bit clueless at times and should any come close - there was nothing below the surface to find ... just emptiness.  It was fine having Dutchman, Swedish Rocket Scientist, Ed, Gaelic Girl and the Chemist as my ONLY friends.  Or so I thought.  Of course that list has been reduced to Dutchman and one other (hmmm, no real nickname yet for them, I will have to work on that, so embarrassing not having a nickname!).

I even remember the date, it was May 16, 2012 when it began.  I lived in a black and world and then suddenly could see in color.  It scared the bejeesus out of people!  Kris was completely weird!  And I killed it after three weeks.  I remembered the incident well!  To this day, I can remember how startled I was to see how green trees became, how real an emotion was.  Terrifying.

But, December 29, 2012 God felt that my days of living without emotion were over and slowly began opening up my eyes, mind and heart.  Bit by bit training me to adapt.  Sometimes it was so horrible, like I was suffocating and really there is nothing worse than being betrayed by those you trusted.  That was the worst emotion of all.

And, certainly, love was the most amazing emotion.  No, not understood, just astonished by it.  It has a way of changing a person.  In fact, taking a genetic sociopath and making him human.

My ex-communication guy stressed strongly in 2013 that empathy is the mark of a human.  Since I obviously had none, I was not a human and I could get out of his life.  Someone was having a bad hair day!  But, I did honor his request, even if he was bald.

However, I was to learn just how wrong he is.  It was not empathy that defines a human - it was the ability to know your own sin ... then to understand the role sin plays in other's lives, just as you suddenly observed in your own life!  One of the most unpleasant of events in my entire life!  And I have cried every day for almost a year now, I can not stop them, I just tell people I have allergies and someone must be wearing musk in the area.  Yeah, a lie,  but one to protect what little is left of me.  I really can not envision saying I understand their sin to a person's face!  AHHHHH!

And this new Kris, tirelessly reviews his life and everything I have ever said.  Looking, searching, trying to now understand everything I could not!  From lost opportunities to mixed messages, I am seeing how messed up everything became and is ... I really do not want to repeat mistakes in the future, but still have to deal with the present.  And so many I trusted ... I may never understand how they chose to do me evil when there was none in my heart ... stupidity, yes ... evil no.

Then dis-satisfyingly to discover even this accident 5 days ago, which has placed me in surgery, has a design and a purpose.

But, for now, it is enough for me to know and to understand why if I survive, four months plays a major role in my life this year.  Just what we all need, more drama for Kris!

If all went well last Wednesday, I am in getting pins pulled this afternoon and a fresh path to follow.
If not, well ....

Musical Saturday Morning

Youngest Daughter was watching some inane show on TV and there was a commercial break. I am sitting working on my computer, back to TV as usual.  Running through their little story, whatever it was, a tune ... so familiar, so distant, just out of my ability to recall it.  All I could remember was the phrase "in the garden" and the number 22.  Utterly worthless in finding what the title of the song could have been!  Eventually, I was able to remember "rainbows and waterfalls". 

Bingo!

You might have already figured it out!  I might be the only one on Earth whom caught the number 22, because the number 23 was in the song title but 22 was what the song was about!  AHHHH!  My mind sometimes!  Yeah, eventually, hours later I had tracked it down ... and I was not prepared.

I sudden was flushed back to 1970 and meeting my first girlfriend.  She used to write me little letters every single day, for years, on strawberry scented paper.  I wrote her back maybe once a week and would splash some English Leather Lime on mine.  (You know, that stuff is only available now on eBay these days!?!?!? As "vintage" and very expensive!)

The song continued to play and I remembered those frozen walks as we went to her school and then I would hop on my 10 speed and pedal like mad the further mile to my school.  There was a feeling, I can remember from those days, but it never fully saw the light of day.  It was a turmoil inside of me but was assassinated before it could be fully defined.  How sad for me because that never happened again in the next four decades.

I could only find one copy of the original, pre-funk version the song was turned into and made it a number 1 hit.  So, you get the funky version as whomever did the original padded 8 minutes of nothing onto the song.  Weird.



Think I am going to go swing by Sears, the only local place carrying English Leather these days, might be a hoot to remember the smell and the craziness of those days.  Randy, Robbie, Dwight, Steve and me - the original Blue Booters (whom all wore Kenny's Blue Klutter Boots!).  Okay, we were all nerds, but we loved our blue Klutter boots!  And mine saw years of climbing on Longs Peak in the Rocky Mountain National Park, as well as, every day to school, work and home.  I seriously wept when I had to throw them away...  I also wept when my girlfriend threw me away as well ...  Not that I blame her, I had no capacity for emotion - so I must have been an absolute  blast to hang around with ... sigh.

Legacy

I wrote long ago about legacy.  What is it that I leave behind, when this life ends?

It is confusing because father left me no legacy, because of his own paranoia and lies, he left nothing behind when he died.  1,200 pages of poorly connived stories, I already knew the truth behind ... well, it only communicates how he continued to believe he was smarter than the world, including me.  Sad.

Last night, after yet another attack of hate being inflicted upon me, I lay in bed and considered the question of legacy.  If I do not survive this operation ... what do I leave behind?

Certainly, those I was able to be used to bring to salvation, by whatever means, well that is a pretty good legacy.
Those I discipled through the years, as well.
Those whose lives I invested in, by whatever means, could be good or bad.

The story of our lives, what we leave behind, is the names of those lives we helped to changed - for the better.

Everything else is just fluff and of no value what-so-ever.

Beginning Or End?

So Wednesday, yesterday, was the day.

I was in surgery at 8:15 am.  The goal was foot reconstruction.  But, what was the result?

Death is a strong possibility.  My heart is repaired, the arteries now good.  But, a lifetime of damage with  surgery in 2013 and 2014 could not repair.  Let us be realistic - I may well be dead.  If these posts stop next Tuesday, well then, I am at peace at the feet of Jesus.  And you have no idea how I long for that peace.  The pain of the past few years is far greater than I thought I could ever bear, nor would ever bear.  However, I am not a quiter.

Life has an equal possibility.  I may have survived this surgery.  I seem to be a good candidate on paper, outside of the heart issue, bleeding issue, diabetes, etc of other fine traits which all point to my fine Habsburg breeding.  Sigh.

If I did survive, well there are two possibilities: I either lost the leg or the surgery accomplished almost the impossible!  91% of all people with this syndrome loose their leg.  I have prayed and hoped since the beginning I would be in the 9%!

And if I was able to keep the leg, well, I am now in traction for the next three months!  Well, that is barring a miracle from God concerning this!  And I do believe in miracles!  Just my getting this far is far from mere coincidence!  But, I will be down for a long period and perhaps not able to blog.

If the leg was lost ... sigh ... well, I face months of physical therapy to learn how to use whatever I end up with for a leg and foot.

In what ever the case here, your prayers are welcome and needed.

Thank you my dear readers, your encouragement through the years has been all which has held me together at time.  If this is a final post, then :

I will see you on the other side .

First Easter - Meaning

What if the Resurrection never happened?  Plenty before Jesus had claimed to be the long sought for Messiah of the Hebrew people ... too bad they just did not manage to pull off all of the prophesies!  And many after Jesus made the same claims as well!  But only Jesus managed to fit the long list of prophesies, to die of innocence and to be resurrected from the grave ...

To me, the cross proved nothing.  Tens of thousands, if not more, died on Roman crosses.  Yes, we know this as the payment for our sin, but what if the resurrection never happened?  Would our sins really have been paid?

1 Corinthians 15:12-20

The empty tomb means our sins are indeed forgiven.
All of your sins, my sins, all mankind's sin, for all time, past, present, future! 
Jesus wiped the record clean, for all mankind ... for all whom accept his payment, repent their sin, change direction.

The empty tomb means our faith is well founded.
Faith the resurrection:

• It happened
• It is true
• It gives us hope

The empty tomb means our message is truth.
He said he would arise.
The prophets said he would arise.
If he did not, then he would be a liar and not the Messiah, as so many others claimed as well, even to this day!

Therefore, He is the only way to face God without condemnation!

The empty tomb means our lives are to be envied.
The resurrection is our hope!
Without Jesus' there is no hope in this life or the next!

The empty tomb means our future is secure.
He did what He said He said He would.
The tomb was empty on the third day.


It would be foolish for those whom claim any of the vain arguments that Jesus never died, never came back to life, etc.  Too many witnesses of respectable caliber to argue with.
It is only our own desire not to be held accountable for our choices we argue from.
I honestly hope you do look into the Bible and its claims.  Yes, it takes years but you will find truth in the end.

*****
As I write this, I am reminded of all of those "discussions" with my father. 
He had no hope in eternal life.
His hope was that there was no judgement, no God, no Jesus and he could just fade away from his past.
He was well on his way towards becoming a pastor when National Socialism overcame him.
He left his calling to answer the call to help the German people achieve their greatness.
A man left with no hope.
And now naked before God in his own sin by his own choice ....
Not good.

First Easter - At The Cross

This Easter marks the very first Easter for one of my friends, now as a Christian.  And I thought on this.  It is also my very first Easter, now as a completely emotional human.  I know, to me, it gave me cause to stop and think.  I asked my friend if this Easter was a bit more meaningful as well ...

Looking at John 19:16-34

The cross was nothing more than a means of execution for capitol crimes by the Romans.  It was an appalling death.
For the Romans this was drudgery.
This was victory for Satan, it had won, it had crushed God's plan!
Death by cross was shame to the Jew.
It is the payment for us, for our sins against God.

The road to the cross was painful, slow, humiliating, Rome's punishment for the worse offenders.

The sign on the cross in the three languages of the area:

• Greek the common language
• Aramaic the language of the Jew
• Latin the official language

It announced to all there that day, this was the King of the Jews.

There was lots of activity by the cross that day!  Watchers for the spectacle of death.  The soldiers gambling for Jesus' clothes.  Scoffers there to deride Jesus for being a fool, a fake.  And those in pain for what their loved one is enduring.

And thinking further ... of our Savior enduring this death, to prove His power over the grave ... so that we might live ...

Humbling

It is humbling facing mortality, the great unknown, life or death ... which will it be?

You have to plan as if there will be life!  For me that means adjusting my surroundings to allow for a path from bed to toilet via a scooter.  I need something to set books and magazines on to read for that first week, until they pull the pins.

Later I will need something set up for me to watch videos, drink ice tea and ... well no bon-bons to eat however.  Sigh.
The 25th is a show I would like to do, I already paid for it months ago!.  I am hoping my knife friend will be able to set me up, ferry me around and I can try and sell enough to pay my taxes due on the 31st.  Such fun!  Argh!

And as the weeks progress, I will be able to sit upright.  Then I expect to be able to paint to my hearts content with no yelling and screaming at me over how much I have not done ... I will finally, for the first time in my life be allowed to paint with a clear conscious!   Sad really, reading back over that.  Sigh.

So it is only small things I can do to prepare, in 10 minutes bursts before the leg gives up and I must rest for up to an hour.

So little I could accomplish in the ten days since the injury occurred.

Resign from my lecture series on earth sciences, unfortunately just as I was addressing current climate conditions.
Do shopping for my food for the first few weeks.
Adjust living arrangements for new mobility requirements.
Visit with family and friends, at least with those whom would still see me.
Say good-byes, just in case.
Bring my blogs to a wait state with pre-written posts.

I only have one more to write, for next Monday.  Tomorrows post was done three weeks ago and much as occurred since.

Annual UFO Celebration

I was a bit bummed.  I so look forward each year to our little evening of craziness when we hold a not so well organized UFO celebration each year.  It is not large, perhaps only 300 or so as an average show up, but it is a time full of fun and laughs!  And it rained.

This year the day was heavy rain.  It would stop occasionally, but over all it was a constant heavy rain.  Sigh.

The plan was the fun would start with a helicopter flying in a UFO and landing it on the roof of one of the little bars in Old Town.  Then there would lasers and when a beam hit a coffin in the street, Spock would hop out and a flash dance would kick off with dancers dressed as Star Trek members.  (Non in RED of course!  LOL)  Partying and a film festival of local artists creations to follow.

Well, the helicopter could not fly in the soup God provided.  So, a blow up saucer was hung on the edge of the roof.  The rain stopped: lasers, coffin, dancing and a little of the film festival went off well but then BLAM! - time to build and ark or wish that the saucer was real and would take all away!

Musical Saturday Morning

A great many things are said about Freddie Mercury, of Queen, but consummate show man must be one of them ...

Expenses

I thought I would share some info I got from my church this week: how do they spend their money?

800 members, three services, something going on constantly there and a $1,000,000 budget.  EEEEERP!  Back the truck up there!  A one million dollar budget!?!?!?!?!?!?  Are they friggin insane!

Well, if you divide members into budget you come up with: $1,250 per year in giving for each person that is a member.  Being the Pacific Northwest of the USA, that is not even half a tenth of what could be expected from the local salaries.  Yeah, some of the members are teenagers, mighty lucky if any of them tithe.  Some number of members are like me, very limited income and just barely meeting expenses.  And the rest?  Well, I have heard estimates that giving runs about 2 or 3% in our church.  And no, the reason is not a perception that all God gives us, is his ... to many trips to warmer areas and vacations to spend money on.  The money is ours, God gets the excess it seems.  Sigh.

So, exactly where does that $1,000,000 dollars go?

Well, the new church building is eating 20% of what is giving towards the budget.  Neither a plus nor minus, but if the church  had only dealt in cash rather than credit - well there would be $200,000 more available to go towards the purpose of the church.

Yeah, missions, outreach, what we do to reach others for God, supposedly, sort of, I just bite my tongue at what is called outreach.  Yes, some of it needs to be done, must be done but need we call it outreach when we can not even do our duty towards our church members?  So total amount for all outreach is 20% as well.  And, 100 - 20 - 20 = 60%  And what does that $600,000 represent?  Dreams of staffing that they church really does not need.

The pastor is in love with Rick Warren's success, therefore Rick Warren's approach must be the godly one, so our church must operate just like Rick Warren's!  I am sorry, Rick Warren nothing impresses me.  God never called us to copy one another - He called us to follow Him, copy Him, be His disciple, be His martyr.  Ah! No success?  No large building?  No large staff?  No overwhelming music ministry!!!?????

I think when ministry is expressed in dollars and cents, you have a problem.
I think when the purpose of the ministry is outreach but staff building, you have a problem.
I think when God is not supplying the people you need, you have a problem.
I think when God is not supplying the funds you desire, you are getting an answer.

Unfortunately, TV being the proof of this: un-godly ministries thrive because of a lack of vision and discernment on the part of the Body of the Church.  And cash flows freely.

Money is not an indicator of God's support of your activity.
Volunteers is not an indicator of God's support or your activity.

And yet, both are treated as though they are.

Basically, we make our plans, find our funding, hire whom we need and then set forth to conquer - only to find failure.  So then, we model ourselves after those whom WE view as successful.  That one guarantees failure!
The church dwindles, no vision, nothing but infighting, pastors flush through and the church building eventually becomes a bed and breakfast - if you are lucky.

Every aspect of the Church must revolve around God and God alone.

No, there is no 20%, no 60%, there is only 100% and that belongs to God.  But our churches are set up to steal from God and then we wonder where the blessing is ...

Racism

Very little gets my blood to boil faster than racism and prejudice.  I was raise in Europe and neither of these expressions of ego, pride and sin were evident.  Well, there was the overwhelming fear of Gypsies - of the disease and larceny associated with them.  But, all Gypsies were Romanian and thanks to the Russians were stuck there.  But, heavens!, if someone was seen with brown eyes in a neighboring town, the entire district would be put on alert!  Yeah, a form of prejudice against people with brown eyes, but then again, profiling is not unwarranted.

So, when not so little Swiss Boy came to America, I had only once ever seen a black man, at Ramstein Air Base.  He was a nice man - I thought his skin color odd but, well, of what importance is that?  Even amongst the Germans I was weird because of my not so translucent white skin.  I am a quarter American Indian - I have the darker skin, thick hair on head and curved teeth to prove it.  But, I am also of German extraction, so darker than an average German.  My ability to tan always raised comments like, "I thought you were white, 10 minutes ago!"

Always good for a laugh.

When I cam to America, I lived my first two years in South Carolina.  I pretty much never say another person again, outside of my family.  Bused to a black High School seventy miles away - when the KKK would allow the bus to actually reach the school! - I was a blazing white emblem of different.  Yeah, no one liked me, except for a girl named Laura, amongst the other few whites in the school. 

The move to Colorado was a blessing!  I was a bit tired of spending every lunch hour running for my life from a very hostile student body!  No exaggeration there, Hillcrest High School was brutal on us few.  But, I did not hold this against the race, but that I was different and for some reason Americans had a problem with "different".  A fact I have seen consistently across my 45 years in this country.

Now in tenth grade, I started to notice girls - no not like that but in the manner that they were different in how they dealt with people.  The guys brutal on those whom were too tall ( I was already 6'), needed help to read English, could barely write in English and could out run a jack rabbit!  Square peg in every situation.  Did not help that I was a dork as well.

My mother became a Southern Baptist about now and so I was forced to attend.  Might have been nice if the pastor was a Christian at Aurora's First Baptist Church - but he was not, nor were most of the congregation!  However, I made a lifelong friend and met a girl named Regena Thames (it could just as easily be spelled Regina Thimes, I was so weak in my English back then!)  And I found her fascinating.  She would help me with my problem with English, explain this whole Christian ideal to me and eventually, I was to meet her family.

Uhm, culture shock, yeah, that would be a term for it ...

You see she was black, still meant nothing to me - but oh boy did it ever mean something to her parents!  Her father actually sold the house and moved across Denver to get her away from that weird German!  And, yeah, I was a bit confused.

I thought racism and prejudice was whites hating on blacks, much the same as in South Africa.  I certainly had seen this in South Carolina!  But, this was the reverse - blacks hating on me because I was white and their daughter liked me (get real here guys, I never even held her hand!).  Then I started to understand those prior two years in South Carolina: it was racism I had been experiencing at Hillcrest High School!  Well, I guess I could understand that if you were being discriminated against badly enough for generations, it might be warranted to treat your antagonists poorly as well.  Of course, chasing German boys around and threatening to cut their throats seemed a bit extreme of a reaction to me.  But, then I was one the one being chased.

I have remained color blind in my life.  I moved to Washington State because I had visited Seattle in 1970 and did not see any evidence of problems between peoples based on skin color.  My sister was to marry a black man, whom I admire greatly - three doctorates, a hard worker and he loves my sister.  Cool.

And the thought of racism faded away.  I have lived either in Washington State, Colorado or Arizona ever since High School - save for much time in my native land.  I watched with interest the collapse of South Africa and its politic of Apartheid - and the wisdom of the following trials.  The world was growing better.

Then I talk with my oldest friend from Colorado last week.  It was racism 101 from his lips and I was appalled and may have given him more a severe lecture that I would have in person!  Yeah.

The garbage flowing across his lips - stood in stark contrast - to the young man whose best friend had been Regena's older brother.  Yeah, his best friend in 10th grade had been black.  He had no problem with my running around with Regena, in fact we all hung out together a great deal prior to that move of her father.  And now ..... ?

I will admit I have a problem when any human declares themselves better than any other human.  I grew up in a country shattered by war because an elite seized power and declared themselves better than the disabled, better than homosexuals, better than the Jew, better than the Gypies, even better than Christians whom disagreed with them!  And they outright slaughtered 14,000.000 to prove they were better, stronger, more worthy of godhood than anyone else.

I really do not think that people understand that this was racism in the extreme in Germany, and not much different than that KKK terrorism of 1970 South Carolina, nor the foolish being spewed by my oldest friend.

But, sadly, it is the measure by which I can observe just how far my friend has traveled from God.  He is now better than others, even though he understands that before God - he is just as unworthy as everyone else.  Except in his mind, others are less worthy because of their skin color and he can not understand how God can be so - blind ... about something so important ...

Sigh please be in prayer for him and those whom you may know have a real sin area they need to work on ... Pride, Ego, Sin ... it all the same here - you are saying you are smarter than God, in fact  you are God ...

Where The Rubber Meets The Road

So you believe you can somehow skate by through life by being a Christian and yet able to make the the world and those around you happy?  Nope, not going to happen.

"Well, Kris, you have no idea what you are talking about!"
And, you would be right!
But, I do know what God thinks:

Matthew 6:24
Luke 16:13
Galatians 1:10

"Well that is just hate speech!" 
No, it is Jesus' very words and thirty years later, the Apostle Paul's understanding of the same idea!

You can not make God and man happy.  (By the way, that is a PERIOD, not a comma, no further qualifier needed, there is no other discussion ... sorry.)

As Christians, we have the ability to run into this problem constantly.  With the cashier at the grocery store.  With our co-workers and boss.  With our friends.  With our families (oh, HEAVENS!).  With those we care about.

If we interact on a human level, there will be endless troubles.
If we interact on a Christian to human level, disaster is assured.
If we interact as Christian to Christian, as long as that stays true, life is easy.

But, it is hard to keep our guard down and always be a Christian.
It is hard not to slip back into human mode in our dealings with others - and God!
It is hard to be honest with ourselves ...
It is hard to be honest with others ...
It is even harder to be honest with God ...
And God already knows it all but we still think of Him as limited and dumber than us ...

God forgives easily.
We forgive ourselves far more slowly.
The world will never forgive you for stepping on its toes.

I work with some pretty cool Christians.  It is their desire to serve God daily in all they do.  But, they are human and fail big time in their interactions with each other and me.  I am now thought of, not as the new guy, but the one whom is modelling Christian ideals and gifts.  Not because I am so "God-ly" but because I can recognize upfront where my problems are in any situation and come up with a better response based upon what I know of God and how He does things.  No that does not make me the model employee - it makes me the major pain the butt! for all to deal with.  No one actually likes having the bar raised around them.

One of my friends commented last night that, "this bunch of creeps you work with", catch that word - "creeps"?  Yeah, they are so solidly living in the world, by its ideals and standards, that Kris gets stomped on - for actually doing things right!  My co-worker has committed on several occasions at how there is really something wrong in the way God-ly men, as he has known them, respond to me. And, they believe they are the exactly what God is looking for. So, what makes Kris so different ... ?

Yeah, well, by their fruit you shall know them.

It is sad, truly I hope God does correct them because what they started can make a real change in the lives of many ... which Satan does hate.  As I said, without pride earlier, I am nobody, nothing, just someone actually trying - fighting his own humanity, to be more human to those around me.

Cut me and I do bleed, now. 
It was easier when I was not human ...