Meeting With Cousins

My idea was to drive from Canon City to Westcliffe, meet with the relatives somewhere neutral like The Feed Store, a pretty good place and one of the few in town.  But, the cousin I am closest to was trapped in the middle by her older brother, whom is a bit of a butt head and insisting I had to come to their parents old home.  My father had lived next door to them - there was no place I would rather not be than in that house.

So, I arrive.  Male cousin is ploughed and continues drinking through the evening.  Unlike years passed, he mellowed with increased alcohol content.  He also has a friend from Phoenix with him.  Nice guy, and his situation, I probably would have been quiet too!

MC found I was not going to fight with him over my father or my father's "life" - I agreed completely with him that father was without any excuse as a man.  His bravado stolen, he just sat and sucked beers while friendly cousin and I reminisced about the good times with Gwen.  Sad evening.

I did  not want to go.
I did not want to remember my father.
But, I was forced to.
As I drove the one and a half hours back to the hotel ... I was forced to think on all of it.
He had brought a wonderful mother into my life and then squandered her.
And blamed me and Somer for not "taking" his side!
And then the disaster of his next marriage and what it did to me personally.

I did not want to remember.
I was forced to far too much!

It would please me if somehow, he made it into heaven.
He deserves the depths of hell, however.
Bleech!
Memories .....

Seeing A Ffriend Fail

YAWN!  I was up to the wee hours with one of my old consulting customers.  YAWN!

She is the second smartest woman I have ever met, but in fully knowledge of her mind’s powers, she like so many in this culture, cannot reconcile herself with the idea that there is a Creator greater than she.  Sigh … so life becomes far harder than need be.  And like ALL brilliant people - completely unable to navigate a path through life.  Just no common sense.

I have mentioned her long ago in past posts - she is one of the Ted Bundy survivors from 40 years ago.

With the passing of her parents, I seem to have been bestowed with pseudo-father status in life to help her with her questions.  I try.  When her frustrations at life reached a boiling point- smart women do not do well in the dating arena, I introduced her to my PC support guy.  He, also sharp, also frustrated.  They married shortly thereafter.

Now, seven years later, he has begun showing some form of personality disorder - I am not up on this exploding field of mental illness.  I was quite surprised at how he has changed!  Make no mistake he is suffering from some form of mental illness, but having known him well for decades before - yeah, he is undoubtedly addicted or was to something and like so many - has damaged his mind badly!

Really too bad.  I remember having the same conversation with my brother Nick, just before his “disappearance”.  I never questioned that what ever happened to him - drugs were behind it.  And like Kirk, the devil is in the payment for playing in “its” realm.  I am just real sorry that my old customer has more to suffer through now.  Sigh …

For her, she is kicking herself for having listened to him.  She saw the warning signs but chose to ignore them.  I suspect she will divorce him - his issues today could fill many volumes of posts!  And no one in her family has ever divorced!  Now in her fifties, rich enough for several lifetimes, I have no doubt she can replace him - save for the issues I opened with ….

Dealing With Divorce, Part 2

Yesterday, I talked my family's history with divorce.
I know I was affected by my parents' divorce.  From the selfish side of they separated on my 17th birthday and divorced on my 18th birthday, two ruined birthdays in a row!  As well as, from the side of not trusting easily.  And understanding that although there are "two sides to an issue", the truth may not be known by either party - especially when the parties are both liars.

Mark 10:1-12
Matthew 19:1-9

1.  Marriage matters!  So pursue it!  
It is worth your attention!
Jesus emphasized the importance of it.
It matters to God.
Fortify your marriage and strengthen it.

2.  See sex as game changer, not as a harmless-hookup !
Sexual sin has long term consequences.
You are bonded in that union.
You can not actually untangle the roots of that union, once it happens.
Desire has the same roots in your heart.
Pain, hard hearts, sin abounds - without the greatest of caution!!!!!!

3.  What about the "reasons for divorce"?
Mental illness, sin, gambling, alcoholism, abuse, etc - are all grey areas for both divorce and remarriage.
Abandonment or adultery is acceptable reasoning for  divorce and remarriage.  This is the breaking of the marital vows.
 What happens to your marital status, you protect yourself, you protect your children!

4.  We need to be a lighthouse for the shipwrecked!
We are to be a place for hope and healing for all.
Lift up the sacredness of marriage.

Marriage takes two people, committed to one another in God.
God wants our marriages to flourish, not to fail. 
When one person fails, both are affected by that failure.
Divorce is but one reaction to that brokenness of ourselves and failure.
But Divorce is not an unpardonable sin, it is an action which damages us. 
God's desire is to heal us of failure and brokenness.
If you remarry, God will bless that marriage if you have and are seeking His Will.

God's grace is greater than all sin.
We all sin.
No sin is greater than another.
Some sin has long term consequences on us and others: sexual sin, divorce and murder.

Thinking back through these verses: marriage is good, failure is not desirable.  There are lots of ways a marriage can hit the rocks, these days pornography and abandonment seem to be the most common from what I have observed.  We have to be able to understand that it is not an imperative that we abandon our spouses when these things occur but rather to work through it with them - IF that is possible.  Both situations are a little hard to re-engage from!  And, if there is divorce, know that this is not God's will, but by His allowance.  Should we then remarry, one hopes we are wiser, careful and prayerful.

Dealing With Divorce, Park 1

We live in a culture of "love", not commitment.
We live in a society where sex is thought to be the same as love.
Our families are destroyed because hormones are to be responded to.
We damage ourselves because we pursue feelings and hormones, not Godliness.

For decades I have used the illustration of, "If you want to meet a group of damaged women, suffering under the weight of multiple divorces - check our your local high school."  We allow through this western culture of "dating", what should never exist - those too immature mentally and emotionally to become involved physically - God's definition of marriage, and then to walk away from one another because of that immaturity.  You really have no understanding of today's youth culture until you understand this, nor God's expectation.

And most people marry, at least once, a high percentage numerous times - always looking and never finding, nor understanding.

In my family: the first divorce came about in 1940.  Grandmother married a swine of a man at 18 and by 25 realized just how big of a mistake that had been!  An alcoholic American Indian is not what long term relationships are made of.  Of her three children, all have been divorced at once and remarried.  Of her grandchildren, none of them necessarily married wisely, nor without struggles in the years which followed.  As for Grandmother, well 5 marriages ...  My father, 8 marriages ...  sigh ...

So, divorce is something all of us grandchildren feel strongly about ...  But, how does one deal with it?  It exists in our families, in our friend's lives, it is modeled for us in the media ... it is perfectly normal right?  After-all, people change and people cheat.  And divorce destroys ourselves and our children.  But, often what precedes a divorce, is often worse than the divorce itself.

How are we to deal with these issues?

Mark 10:1 - 12

1.  Divorce is sin, don't minimize it.
The world wants you to think that divorce is normal, that it is a success. 
God did not design you for divorce, you were built to experience real commitment and love.
Seeking new experiences and pursuing happiness is not why we exist.
God says that He hates divorce.
But, God does not hate divorced people.

2.  Divorce is serious, don't look for loopholes.
Verse 2, Pharisees were looking for loopholes to get out of marriage.
They wanted a "no fault" divorce, it was a contemporary argument at the time.
Deuteronomy 24:1 was the verse in contention.
She is disrespectful to her mother-in-law, she is a bad cook, she talked to men in the market, her hair was down in public.
Any reason was a good reason to some then, just as it is now.

3.  Divorce is permitted, don't make it a command.
Moses was discouraging divorce with his permission.
"Because of the hardness of our hearts ..."
Jesus and Moses sought to protect women and to underscore that women were not be treated as property.

4.  Divorce is real, don't side step it or step on it.
Understand that people sin and sinners need to come to God.
Know that people can suffer undesired divorces and they need our love.
Acknowledge that marriages can be damaged and need prayer.
Not to judge those whom are being damaged by their partner.