The Quest

Unknown to me, I have been on a quest my entire life.

I always knew I was different.  The US Army in its blunder, in handling me, accidentally told me what my problem with humanity was.  But, I had no idea as to why.

It was not until forty years later that I did find out why, completely by accident again.  I was a freak of nature, defective DNA, supplied by another freak of nature, my father.  Yeah, well that one hurt.  He was long dead.  Not sure what I would have said to him in any event.

Knowing my problem, too late to repair damage caused around me, I sought to best understand how to communicate better, how to understand humans - I had mimed them my entire life.  I was tired of the act, I just wanted to be free to be me.  And since all hated me by now, it was not hard to be me - albeit with no acceptance from anyone.

God through numerous attempts, made me fully human.  It was beautiful, it was painful, it is more than I can bear at times.  I often thought myself insane.  I would beg God to please remove this "blessing" and let me return to the death I had lived in.

Yeah, that is how painful it was to suddenly find yourself as human ... and only two did care - albeit - a child's maturity in an adult form is a bit intense I guess.  sigh ....

Saturday's song was what triggered this post.  I had suddenly remembered that song from high school, and my first official girlfriend.  And with eyes of humanity, I can now look backwards and re-examine those years.  What did I find?  A point of confusion ...

I remember that point of confusion, right around my 18th birthday.  A sense that there was something greater to life than I knew or could understand.  Maybe, given a chance, last year could have occurred in 1973.  But, it was quickly lost in a bizarre series of events - that I honestly have problems remembering (even at the time!), much less understanding.

That feeling returned in 1975.  I was now a Christian.  Everything was great.  The negatives which existed I knew that God could handle.  And as I was driving down the street to my church (I was a youth pastor at the time) I was revisited by that same feeling from 1973.  "Something" existed I could not understand.  But, what was it?  I yearned to know and to understand.  But, again a massive attack against me threw me into a tailspin and I was left with nothing in the end.  Not even the memory of that drive until as I write this!

In the intervening years, I learned how to be the consummate actor.  I could model every reaction, every emotion, right on queue - and was completely dead on the inside.  I adopted and copied every phrase which attended every emotion.  This modeled Kris keep people away, I was just normal, a bit clueless at times and should any come close - there was nothing below the surface to find ... just emptiness.  It was fine having Dutchman, Swedish Rocket Scientist, Ed, Gaelic Girl and the Chemist as my ONLY friends.  Or so I thought.  Of course that list has been reduced to Dutchman and one other (hmmm, no real nickname yet for them, I will have to work on that, so embarrassing not having a nickname!).

I even remember the date, it was May 16, 2012 when it began.  I lived in a black and world and then suddenly could see in color.  It scared the bejeesus out of people!  Kris was completely weird!  And I killed it after three weeks.  I remembered the incident well!  To this day, I can remember how startled I was to see how green trees became, how real an emotion was.  Terrifying.

But, December 29, 2012 God felt that my days of living without emotion were over and slowly began opening up my eyes, mind and heart.  Bit by bit training me to adapt.  Sometimes it was so horrible, like I was suffocating and really there is nothing worse than being betrayed by those you trusted.  That was the worst emotion of all.

And, certainly, love was the most amazing emotion.  No, not understood, just astonished by it.  It has a way of changing a person.  In fact, taking a genetic sociopath and making him human.

My ex-communication guy stressed strongly in 2013 that empathy is the mark of a human.  Since I obviously had none, I was not a human and I could get out of his life.  Someone was having a bad hair day!  But, I did honor his request, even if he was bald.

However, I was to learn just how wrong he is.  It was not empathy that defines a human - it was the ability to know your own sin ... then to understand the role sin plays in other's lives, just as you suddenly observed in your own life!  One of the most unpleasant of events in my entire life!  And I have cried every day for almost a year now, I can not stop them, I just tell people I have allergies and someone must be wearing musk in the area.  Yeah, a lie,  but one to protect what little is left of me.  I really can not envision saying I understand their sin to a person's face!  AHHHHH!

And this new Kris, tirelessly reviews his life and everything I have ever said.  Looking, searching, trying to now understand everything I could not!  From lost opportunities to mixed messages, I am seeing how messed up everything became and is ... I really do not want to repeat mistakes in the future, but still have to deal with the present.  And so many I trusted ... I may never understand how they chose to do me evil when there was none in my heart ... stupidity, yes ... evil no.

Then dis-satisfyingly to discover even this accident 5 days ago, which has placed me in surgery, has a design and a purpose.

But, for now, it is enough for me to know and to understand why if I survive, four months plays a major role in my life this year.  Just what we all need, more drama for Kris!

If all went well last Wednesday, I am in getting pins pulled this afternoon and a fresh path to follow.
If not, well ....