So many, and I need to emphasize MANY, have come up to me with variations of this thought:
- I never thought someone could take this
- I never thought you were capable of this
- I am overcome by your joy
- How can you have such peace?
- You have become a witness to all around you
- Incredible courage ...
- You are an inspiration
No bragging here, I am hearing this stuff daily from those I deal with and those I only see at church weekly.
I am nothing special but make no mistake, God is blessing me - I have no idea why and I am sort of worried at what He is expecting from me when I am healed enough to live life again - if ever.
Partly, I can understand, my life view is very German or European based. I rarely look backwards, except to kick my own butt. I start a day not with a review of yesterday, but with an evaluation of where am I at the moment and where do I go from here? Yeah, totally foreign to all Americans I have ever met. I have driven managers crazy whom want to castrate me in a business meeting with: "Well, we can dwell on the mistake or we can dwell on the solution. Are you interested in the solution?" Yeah, that sort of takes the wind out of everyone's sails. But, that is my internal workings, always has been.
So I see the massive failure of my body, the loss of a limb which will majorly change my life forever, but I do not dwell on the loss - but on how do I go forward from here.
There is no courage arising from this, that is an attribute of my character He created within me.
Any inspiration is merely a reflection upon what God is capable of doing, I have nothing to do with it!
As a witness? Uhm, just living my life, as I always have ...
Peace is because my desires have always been to walk behind Him, not in front of Him.
Joy, well, we talked about that last week.
As for opinions of me, well there are those whom are surprised and those whom do not know me well.
And you might be amazed at what a man can take when he is not self centered in his pursuits.
People see and interpret what they want to.
I know from a past lesson, the greatest of innocence can be seen as utter evil, if the heart viewing you is sold out to evil. This understanding was the greatest shock of my life and remains an open wound. One day God will deal with this, but for now - I just have to be faithful to what I know.
Someone sees a person utterly reduced physically to being completely dependent up on others, well, I hope you hop in and help them! I know for me, those I should have been able to count on - were not there for me. Those whom should have been able, chose not to be. These were not my decisions, these are others decisions and God will reward them accordingly ... sigh ... and I will be expected to be there for them ... sigh ... such is our egocentric culture.
But, I have been learning to do what I can do.
When I see someone, usually elderly, with a walk or foot orientation that was similar to what I had in 2013 - I have a talk with them. Whether they chose to see their doctor now or when their leg shatters is up to them. I can only recommend to them from my experience.
When I hear of one in the hospital, I try to go see them. I am limited in my ability to travel at the moment but I do try and if they are on Facebook I can message them.
And when someone wants to help me but can not ... I am to assure them that - that is fine and thank them for their best desire/effort. Poor Swede has just been flattened for weeks and unable to help me for instance. He feels horrible guilt because he sees my need and complete lack of support, but God does provide for me in my need. Might not be what one would desire but it is what He provides.
When you are forced to face reality ... one must adapt, one must put all on God, one must do what one can ... The alternative is not so desirable.
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