Sadness

Ever so often I become morose and introspective ... a dangerous situation for me to be in ... for the old me.  This is the first time since a new Kris was born.  So, it is with some interest I look to see how this turns out, perhaps different, perhaps not.  We will know by tomorrow I am sure.

And so I despair.

The weekend's antique show was a bit of a bust.  I was unable to put anything together to take, just still flat on my lips from the heart surgery.  I can lift maybe 8 pounds only but bending over is impossible.  So, I just helped my mother with  her sales, wrapping and packaging, being nice to people when she was unable to be.  She has become more bitter across the past year and that took its toll on my heart - luckily I carry nitro everywhere anymore.

Cotton Candy girl did not show up for the first time since I started doing this show five years ago.  I had looked forward to catching up with her and learning what is new.  And heavens knows, with a football game on Sunday, NO ONE showed up, except bored dealers.  So plenty of chat time, just no one to chat with really.  Now I will have to hunt through Facebook and see if she is still on there!

The damaged girl, I have often spoken of in the past, that works for the show as I had learned last year, was there.  She talked with me again this year.  Old Kris would have known what to say.  New Kris?  Not so much.  I understand her pain now and there are no words to comfort the destruction of a human being.  Empathy, guess I have learned it now.  And the value of silence in a discussion ...

My friend melted down and I tried to communicate but I fear there were too many walls, too many filters in play, for me to get through.

My other friend has not talked to me in weeks it seems like, so it has been lonely dwelling on the present and the future.  Forget the past, it sucks too much to bring up in my mind.

Swede and Dutchman have been busy.  Amazing how busy retired guys can get!  Of course, Dutchman is feverishly working on the next generation of stored energy and a cancer detection system.  Swede, I understand has been busy with joining a church up where he is living. 

Ever so often my mother's older brother pops up.  And he did via telephone to report that his wife died again.  It is interesting how they keep dying on him.  This was number three that we know of.  Although I am considered the black sheep of the family - mostly because I do not do as told, he truly is the black sheep of mother's family.  It seems he never read of a sin he did not want to commit - and did - with associated prison time in there as well.  He has been hiding in Alaska since 1965!  Grandmother had a detective do a search several years ago to see if there were any outstanding warrants on him, but he appears clean.  So the family does not understand his refusal to come down to Washington State, since everyone else lives here or is in and out of here continually.

Interestingly, for as black a sheep as he is, for all of the sin he has committed, a few years back he came to Jesus for salvation.  Really, think on that!  Someone so lost in sin that there was nothing he had not done, nor would not do - somehow the Holy Spirit got to him and drove him to his knees!  That alone tells me that there is NO ONE on Earth whom is not reachable!

But, just because you are a new creation does not mean that you do not have to carry the stigma of whom you were around with  you.  The past is the past, but Satan will always dredge it up if he can to shake your new faith and hopefully lure you back into sin again!  The trick is to know that he will and always be prepared to throw it back in his face and upon Jesus shoulders.  Yeah, a reoccurring theme for all Christians with a past.

I feel sorry for the man, at having lost his wife.  Loneliness is hard, probably more so when you are in your 80's and in need and a long winter stretches before him.

If 2014 were to be summed up for me it would be to say that I now know loneliness and understand the importance of true friendship.  I have learned of the need for love and to love.  All while surrounded by an emotional vacuum.  And I know despair.

So I understand my uncle's predicament.  Does not make him any nicer of a man, he still carries the curse of being (not a very nice person), but he is my brother now in the Lord and whether he is still a (not a very nice person) or truly changed, he is worth of my prayers and compassion in the Lord.

How much more so for those I truly care about?

Well, I can wallow in my despair - or I can pray for my friends and family - those I personally care for and about.  Casting that despair to Jesus and though not filled with joy, still devote my energies towards the betterment of others through prayer and not upon myself ...