Crisis To Faith

Faith is one of those strange unfathomable things.  You know it exists, but how do you explain it someone?  How do you even quantify it to yourself?

Faith to old Kris was pretty easy.  It was easy for me to accept,  that is to say believe, because I had seen His power - so if what I had seen was true, then what I could not was just as easy to accept as being true.  So many would see me as a rock of faith and certainly God never let me down in any regard.  But, Kris was not exactly human back then, so faith then was not the same as faith is required to be now.

And, well, what good is faith if it is never challenged?  If you are never pushed to the point of complete and utter failure?  If all is always hokey-dokey?  And the proof of faith is in it trying.  Unfortunately.

As my life continued to spiral out of control, I had no problems with my faith.  I knew God would move, that He would correct, I have complete faith in Him and His ability to challenge the evil which surrounded me and overcome it.  Yet, all continued to fall apart.  But, I stood firm, God was greater than the evil around me, He would have His way.

As you might suspect, I finally reached a point of crisis in my faith.  All the legs kicked out from under me, nothing left to support me, my faith utterly crushed but the scenario would not be complete with a final piece of my new nature being given/revealed to me - rammed down my throat.  I did not need more revelation, I needed help, I had been running so long without any form of support ... and now I needed help.  But, well, everything was now destroyed, I had no one, nothing to draw upon, except for my faith in God, and that He would somehow intervene.

Oh yeah, He did.  No, I do not understand why anything went the way that it did.  I do not really understand how or why He intervened as He did.  Makes no sense what so ever, in fact many would be appalled.  But, in the end that is what is important - what is the outcome, how does it honor God, how does any of this affect the Body?  What has been the impact on me?

I struggle walking in a shaky faith now, my assurance shattered, but I know that He is faithful, that He is just, that He will have His way and I rely upon Him always using me to His end, not my own.  So, I teeter down an unseen road.  I know He knows what He is doing, I just no longer can see nor understand ... but I do know I must have trust in Him wholly.  And the road stretches out before, I do not understand, but I know that no matter, I must take that step to that new path, I just ... fear ... for I do not know His timing, nor His ways any longer.

What if I am utterly wrong?  Well, not going to be the first time in my life, that is for sure!  But, if I am wrong, then I will be no better, nor any worse off than I am now.  Perhaps that is His entire point, I stand in a vacuum - which I doubt is His desire for anyone.  Stepping in any direction, even the wrong one would be superior to where I am now.

Sigh ...