Was It Worth It?

I have thought on posting this for over four months.  Sometimes my mind would lose it and I could not remember what I wanted to say and other times I would remember but other topics had precedent.

So much of my life was spent watching and wondering.  I had no emotions, none at all, and I marveled at them when I saw them.  I would think, "What are they thinking, what are they feeling, how does thinking and feeling modify the context of a moment?"

Yeah, well, those were unanswerable questions.

I hired someone to help me communicate better with people.  I was highly paid as a communicator.  I could see each side of an issue and then express the desires of one side to the other, and visa-versa.  I got lots of awards for this.  But, I needed to be able to understand people better - and my consultant - well, was less than flattering at the end of his 90 day review.  I did not have the ability to come over to the human side.

But, God saw fit to "whack" me with revelation after revelation, change after change across a 2 year period.  Nothing was as I had expected.  I did not understand more, nor better, I was now in a constant state of confusion.  People say one thing and then do an entirely different thing.  "Love" is not Love, it is whatever makes them comfortable - no commitment, no willingness to be honest - almost EVERYONE is a liar it seems.

I always had thought that Love was the ultimate pursuit, that there was an equality within it: truth, trust, transparency, friendship - without anyone of these, Love could not exist.  But, finding these qualities seems a bit hard to do in real life.

Truth is modified to fit with desires or situations, everyone cloaks whom they really are behind layers of lies.  But without truth, there can be no trust.  And without trust there can be no transparency.  Without transparency, friendship is not going to exist.  Without any one of these, well I was right, there can be no Love.  Sure love can be found in abounds but no, it is not the real thing.

We sell ourselves short, willing to be less than truthful, less than trusting and with no transparency - after-all we need to protect ourselves, right?  Add self interest into the mix and now we can manipulate (or think we can) love to be what we want.  As an added bonus we add terms and condition which have nothing to do with Love, but rather in fact negate it.  But, alas, as example has shown - we make fools of ourselves and one another.

I think I can now say I understand emotions in all of their many variations - some experienced, some by observation - and I might have been better off without them.  I have cried nightly for almost two years over the exploits of those I care for, as well as, personal pain inflected upon me with seemingly no regard by others.  Well, at least when I was not medicated out of my mind (which was a big part of last year).

I had expected joy, and there were moments of it, but by and large there are longer moments of pain.  I guess that writers, poets and song writers either have selective memory or never have found real Love.  I did discover real Love; unconditional, not dependent upon me nor my feeling, not dependent upon another nor their feelings.  It did bring me overwhelming joy - much to the consternation of others.  I, "am just too happy!", as numerous people told me.  Sorry, I quested my entire life and then it found me, independent of me and I knew unspeakable joy.

Yet with it comes pain, as nothing is as it should be in my life.  People are not whom they should be.  And so I just live day by day, knowing of the joy which lives in me - unable to share it with anyone - for there are none in my midst I can trust.  So, in reality, does it have any real worth?

Perhaps the future may show change and then these humanizations by God within me will be of value.  But, until then ...  I can only hope and pray to live a life uncloaked, in the open, where joy will no more be understood than I am.

Sigh ....