Narcissism

So, I have decided to talk about what is troubling me.  Across the months I can remember - that would be five months now!  Main reason is that presently I am in the continued stages of a heart attack - the stress is getting to me - yeah eventually I will take a nitro or two, but I no longer care.  Few lives would be affected if I could just quietly be slipped into Heaven ...   And, if my passing did matter, well, outside of my eldest daughter, those people seem to be missing around here.  An almost total vacuum is not the place for a human to live for very long!  And daily, it is the nitro - the aches from hell - and the sweats - and the burning.

I have thought long and hard on my attackers from last week.  This is the new Kris here, the one NO one has actually bothered to meet yet.  Many have seen, but no one really knows me any more.  This is the Kris whom is not going to be the old Kris ever again, should his mind ever return.  Yes, old Kris is still missing in action, the brain works lovely - there is just a lifetime of data missing!  And, as I mentioned sometime back, I realized I never have to be that person ever again.  But, it does not matter, no one bothers to even know me much less notice the huge change in me!  Sigh ... I try though.

And I realized that the basis of both attacks, though terribly different in approach, is narcissism - that lovely affliction of this culture we live in.  And the surprise of what has brought great stress to me.

Of course, my father was perhaps the supreme example of the narcissus - EVERYTHING could only be validated though his eyes and by his brain.  Yes, he was brilliant - in a warped "I want to arm others to destroy the world" kind of way.  It is also a sickness of the soul.

Gaelic Girl, not mentioned much any more, was a perfectly normal woman.  We shared many adventures through the years and many memories, unfortunately she went to see a counselor a few years after her mother died, as she was having problems dealing with the impact of that death on her, and that was the end of her.  This counselor it turns out is quite the man hater - and it seems she was able to get GG to understand years ago that I am the source of all evil in GG's life.  Yeah, I am so controlling that I took a diner fry liner manager and paid her way through college because she was smart.  I supported her through all of her endeavors, as much as I could in any event, or to the extent of her willingness to take advice.  And I never disagreed with her or had a fight with her.  I respected her.  In the end, she was so wrapped up in the BIG "I" that there was no room for any discussion because she had now decided I was too stupid and too deceitful.  Everything, to her, literally revolves around her and her desires.  for example, the amputation of my leg and the two year long years of illness before that, was all fakery to gain sympathy it seems and very inconvenient for her and her desires.  (thank God, Swede is my witness here and has been my rescuer on many occasions!)

And for the record - because I have sought my entire life to never be my father, any lies are extremely few and far between!  The last one I can remember was telling my grandmother on her deathbed that it was alright and I would see her soon.  Of course, she was a Christian and I would be seeing her again.  But, I "knew" this was the last time here ...  And those words still hang heavily on my tongue ... :(

And my attackers, I realized are also attacking from a narcissistic point of reference.  As I carefully thought through this, I realized that the sequence of events, as they occurred to GG, are not that far different from these two others.

Narcissism, the desire to see and hear only what you want.  To only validate that your feelings are the correct ones - that all others are always wrong, especially if you want them to be.  Hmmmmmmmm .....

Keeping this neutral, I can remember GG hounding me to death for daring to change channels on the TV more than once.  I actually never went around the dial more than once on the tuner and if nothing was interesting, I turned the TV off.  But, her point was you turn on the TV and then watch what was is there!  If it is garbage, well you watch it.  Really?  Just an example - which unfortunately extended to every facet of life between us.  sigh ...

Well, at least I have the developing relationships with my grandkids.  Too young to know a different me, too young to care - just as long as they get their way.  Oldest grand-daughter I encourage to think about others and her friendships.  It makes her happy when it works and angry when she finds out that the other friend is stuck on themself ...

Consider yourself and how you think about and treat others.  There is a chance you suffer from this totally avoidable thought process.  Become a servant to all in your heart, think less of you and yours, more of how "do I show Jesus" to the world.  (and yes, you can be a total narcissus and a missionary ... known a few through the years.)

We must make a dent in this world and being stuck on ourselves is not going to accomplish much and only hurt the people around us.

Remember: a servant does the Master's will, not their own ...