Forgotten

I realized last night, thanks to amnesia, I have forgotten the sound of my father's voice.  No, I would not like to remember his words - he was overly critical of me my entire life - there never was a kind word in there unfortunately.  But, his voice, the sound of his horrible German accent!  All lost.  I used to like imitating him, it was worse than A-nold's!

I remember that Grandmother had sort of a crackly voice,  much like her sister.  But, I can barely remember anything about either of them.  And my Danish uncle - alas - nothing outside of photographs.  Grandmother's last husband, just random pictures, no words.  Well, I do remember that he was the haireous man I have ever seen!  And having said that, I now remember that my father had hair on his legs like a carpet!  I used to drive him crazy petting his legs and asking him to purr, as a child!

Such a personal tragedy, tht loss of memory.

Even to the extent that I have been having to relearn typing!  Yeah, my first posts after the surgery took up to 4 or more hours to do - and you know my postings are not that long!  Now, it is more like an hour with correcting of mistakes.  Yeah the fingers are just not falling predictably on the keyboard.  Sigh.

And my one real memory ... oh how I wish I could say that it does not haunt me!  But, were it not to exist, it probably would be more productive for me.  But, since it does, it is just a source of constant frustration - things I can do nothing about.  Oh were God to let me have my will, yeah, things would change big time.  But, nothing is my will.  I seem confounded and blocked on all sides, at all times.  Very frustrating.  And it seems for now, I have reached the end of the dream, reality though painful, dictates that hope - is not enough - humans (even me).  But, I sit in a vacuum.

For now, I just live day by day by the list.  I have to be sure to think through each week and write out daily what it is I need to remember - and then supplement it as the week wears on.  I hate lists, I have a fine mind, it just as been damaged for now.  Sigh ...

And I pray, and God is constantly answering my prayers.  So, I know I am insane nor going sideways for now.  Which is fine.  If I have to do else, I probably would get really confused.  You have no idea the fog I must wade through moment by moment.

Then I try not to forget that I am ultimately headed to southeastern Oregon shortly with my metal detector.  I have been researching places to hunt in Oregon.  If I had complete liberty, I would go down to the California border as I found something extremely interesting via satellite.  But, it would take me days just to get there and I am not so sure I want to run my car over backroads - it is not a 4x4!  But, yeah, that and a find I also did via satellite in northeast Oregon will have to wait until I am fully healed - and probably have some healthy help with me.  I can no longer climb, nor dive, and those two sites require both.  Sigh.  I wrote all the info down so they would not be forgotten!  Pathetic.

Well, I end this week, looking forward to seeing my grandchildren again.  I try to see them every other weekend.  I fear forgetting them - as I have almost all else!  We are doing a sleep over - so probably corned beef hash and eggs for dinner (their favorite!), rabbit shaped pancakes for Saturday breakfast and then who knows for lunch!  Ought to be fun.

Please have a merry and safe Easter weekend!