There Are No Dreams

Someone once wrote,

"In dreams begins responsibility.
So too, perhaps, with love.  
Without dreams, without the hope of a better life, a brighter future, it is difficult for love to flourish.  
And without love ... there are no dreams."

I had lunch with my mother.  It is always hard even talking with her, much less being around her.  A very long history - both ways.  One time Gaelic Girl was hammering me over my issues with my mother and she got to experience one of the very few times I have ever gotten angry.  I actually told her what the problem is between us - she never brought it up again.  Yeah, we are talking beyond the pale of acceptable behavior on my mother's part.  As for my mother, she would have preferred I had been a girl and could have tea parties with me and "discuss" what p.o.c.'s men are.

Years later, I was having lunch with my uncle and he was talking about my father.  Well, yeah, we know there are a few issues there!  ... sigh ...  And I commented that I was highly unhappy with having figured out what a major issue existed between my grandmother, mother and father - and I did not approve in the least!  Then he, in his anger, told me something about my mother I had never even heard whispered in the family ... it explained all of it!  I was and still am surprised I could not have figured this out on my own!

Selective blindness I guess.  So, now I cut her slack because I now understand that brokenness in her.  No there is nothing I can do - except ignore that anger in her constantly.

Tuesday, we sat there, yakking over  Chinese food and she went off on her usual tirade of  "they" and/or "them" are constantly vexing her.  It is so predictable, so frustrating, so unimportant.  Literally, the Earth will not stop rotating on its axis over any of it.  And it irritates me, like sandpaper wearing away what protects her from the old me - still laying deeply dormant - never to be seen again I pray.

And I thought of that quote, of perhaps 20 or 30 years ago ...

She, perhaps all of us, desire to live in a dream.  Dreams are comforting, they are fun, they are usually familiar and we are secure in them.  Then with dreams we are allowed to love, to be transparent, to be vulnerable, to truly love and be loved - the desire of all mankind ...

I have always dreamed, in Techna-Color, usually as the hero saving someone - Bond, James Bond - if you please!  But since becoming human, there is only one dream and no other, repeated every night.  Some might call it obsessive, but it is just pain expressing itself over and over again, because I can not understand.  Well perhaps one day to dream a resolution.  And since I can dream, I find I can try and love my mother.  It is not easy.  Love to her means something entirely different than to me.  And perhaps one day there can be healing between us.