Reading Posts

My back went out again on Tuesday, it is like almost a constant situation anymore, every couple of days - whether I need excruciating pain or not.  I guess that years of not being able to do any work or exercise is taking its toll on me now.  Sigh.  But, this time it is not going "back in" or away.  So living in my back brace, such fun, I like having no way to bend over and a butt that is sure my father has come by with his whip like military belt.  I tell ya .....

So, I was a bit depressed Wednesday morning.   Injured, day after day alone, just silence surrounds me - well, reading a book about hunting Sasquatch in any event and drinking Keemum tea.

I have to walk two miles today so that my leg can be wrung out and then re-wrapped.  And, I get to do this in my walking cast with a back brace on!  I have sat here for three hours wondering what to write for Friday's post ... nothing came to me.  Then I just started reading back through the year, playing the songs, remembering what each post meant to convey - shuddering at my numerous spelling and grammar errors, seeing where more than likely brain damage occurred due to the fever and my memory began fading.  Bad times at my "death" at 110 ... sigh.

And, I apparently wrote a post at one time that only had meaning to me and God.  It dealt with rejection and what is the worse reaming ever done me.  Yeah, it damaged me badly, it still does, I have no way around it.  It can not be undone nor forgotten, it was unforeseen, unexpected, it fit well with my being told I am a loser for a lifetime by my father.  Though I have done all I can do to bring about resolution, none appears possible.  It is hard as the wronged party to try and hope for restoration.  I have no power to implement change in others.  Very disheartening.

Oh well, life proceeds no matter our desire to just stop and clean up messes.  And messes only get messier with time as I have learned.  And messy is the realm of Satan, I have no doubt that one day, when least expected, all come roaring back onto me.  Except because it will be Satan in charge, I will not be the victim, as now - I will be the antagonist again through a warped understanding of memory.  And I really hate it when I can see its subtle hand at play and NO ONE will listen to me.  Because, "God" is working.  (I might post about that idea on Monday)

So, many tears cried as memories and fears combined across the posts.  It really has been one heck of a year.