Painful Lessons

As promised, a first cut, not completely thought out, but - I wanted to share anyway.  So please understand - it is not completely thought out!

Over a month ago, my leg was inserted into a titanium frame to help force the rejoining of my right foot with the right ankle.  This goes back to it being shattered in November 2013.  And I reacted poorly to this fusion being done.  It was not in my plans, nor my will, that I suffer this type of frame and all of the metal shot through my leg, ankle and foot, then there was the pain levels!  My life was now lived within 20 feet of bed - and that was it, save for doctor visits.  And I threw a hissy fit that utterly amazed me!  I have never thrown a fit in my life.  So, God really got both barrels from me!

His reply?  "Well, now you are seeing why this had to happen!"

I repented for all of the PRIDE, EGO and VANITY I had just demonstrated.  But, He was not done with me yet ... no, Kris had a bit more to learn ...

Well, my body may be broken, but there is nothing wrong with my brain ...  I think, I consider, I analyze everything.  I read my Bible and pray a great deal.  I want to literally know the mind of God.  And somewhere in there is an explanation for all of this.

I have mentioned before, last month's ER visit - sick as unto death, literally.  I had nothing left, only the knowledge that it was not my time to die yet.  And in the ER, in my misery, unable to get anyone to understand me as my brain had reverted to my first language (German) - I prayed for God to bring death.  I was reduced to nothing, I had finally even lost my hope.  I understood that no one would ever be there for me, no one would ever help me nor come to my rescue, I only had nothing - but of course God.  And, a human needs someone, anyone, whom will step forward and be there for them ...  And I saw that person does not exist in my life.

How I longed for death!  I no longer cared.  I would forgo any future rewards in Heaven, if only God would just bring me home now.  Well, not in His plans it seems.

Back home for the last two weeks, I made a point of overtly reaching out to all of my past friends, my current friends, acquaintances, family, etc.  Strangely - and I do mean strangely, my pastor came by for a visit!  He has not even talked to me but once in 4 years!  He used to be counted as a close friend by me.  Okay, that was strange.  Then out of the blue, one of the men from the little job I was doing since September popped up!  That one was beyond strange!  I like the guy but assumed he would always just be an acquaintance and once I was off the job, would never see him again.  And the pastor came by again!  Staying about an hour and a half this time.  This is beyond odd, no one ever visits me or calls for that matter!

God was pointing out to me that perhaps the support I need is not going to come from where I would expect it.  I have been massively failed by my family and the support structures of my past.  So, okay ... I guess ...  I understand it, people suck.

Swede, post blow out fight with Gaelic Girl, has been a lifesaver for me.  He comes by at least once a week to spend the day and run me around.  I never would have even considered he would have ever done this before.  And I have had some really good times with him - lots of silliness and laughs.  Which I think we both need.

And God, in a gentle manner, has shown me across last week a few mistakes I have made in the past.  I am still not sure how to reconcile them with what I know - did I fail my culture or did I fail God?  I honestly have no idea.  It is all so confusing because God looks at the heart and with the most innocent of intention - I made messes.  Perhaps it is just His way of saying be more careful in the future.  No problem there!  I may innocently have stumbled into unwise territory in the past but I have no plans to ever be that involved ever again with humans!

So, God has brought me to zero.
He is providing my needs.
He is obviously working on a framework to rebuild me.
So He still has work for me.
:)

On the other hand, it seems there will be a few changes in future Kris, and change is always evil ...