A Grateful Heart

I have so wanted to post something about this for many weeks, but what better time to talk about gratitude than on Thanksgiving Day?

Due to the nature of my own creation, gratitude is not something I knew.  I was "thankful" for much, to the degree I could be, but nothing like you know of gratitude.

But that was to begin to change in 2012 as God began to change my nature.  But, change is slow to absorb and understand.  Much less, the concept of practice.  I knew what God was doing because He was driving me crazy with these new emotions and feelings I had never had.  Bit by bit I was walked through emotions for family, for friends, then commitments.  I thought He was done in 2014 - what more could He possibly do to me?

Like a dumb animal eating a new food - yum!  The changes were real and long lasting, it was great.  But, there was no gratitude and I KNEW it was only going to be temporary anyway.  Nothing every happens for real in my life it seems.  One day I would wake up and Kris would be shafted as usual.

And in time, I had to live through 2015.  A year of hospitals, surgeries without end, and the death of Kris in all manners.  I expected in April's surgery not to live.  It was a horrible surgery and I had no support in place to help me through recovery - that too had been lost.  There was no hope.

Then another operation, worse than the first.  Dutchman commented by text that he felt God was calling someone to help - and maybe they were not listening.  Thank you so much!  Sigh ...

And then the fever, where I may as well as have died.  I expected brain damage from that one, but it seems not in the long term anyways.  And I was reduced to pleading for life, not because I wanted to live - I wanted life, but because I could see all too well where life would take me.

And then the antibiotic resistant staph ... and it was all over.  I was now broken in all manners.  Emotional, spiritually, mentally and now physically.  This means something to a German.  Being whole is not a concept it is a state of being.  If you are not whole - you are no longer a man.  And I was shattered.

But, when I regained my mind on October 17th, it was an even newer me than had existed before.  More change to experience and accept!

And that change was God gave me a grateful heart.

My nature is no longer even a shadow of what it once was.  I am truly thankful - for the first time in my life.

From wool to real food, from family to half-hearted friendships, I am grateful for what God has and is providing me.  Yeah, everyone remarks, everyone is unsure.  Like frightened squirrels, do they shake my hand or not?  It is funny.  What was I like before that people were standoffish towards me?  I can not say, I thought I was very approachable before ....

Pray for god to help you develop a grateful heart - though through means far less drastic than what I went through!

And thank you Lord for a safe venue by which I can tell of your mercies and blessings .....  Most of you I do not know but I am thankful for each one of you - even my eMail detractors :)