Amnesia

This amnesia drives everyone around me crazy!  Not only is it becoming apparent that this may well be permanent, but short term memory seems to have been affected as well.  Though I have to admit I have observed that I have gone from only being able to remember two numbers at a time when dialing a phone number two months ago, to being up to five characters now.  Not sure what my old abilities were, but they had to have been better than this!  Some numbers are hard for me to keep straight, like 3 and 5 for instance.  And my typing as improved tremendously as well!  Yeah!

Post surgery memory is still holding its own.  I can remember everything, even pain quite well.  Logic seems unhampered, I observe, I analyze, I see the elephant in the room no one will talk about.

But, I walk through life in a fog.  Always just on the rim of remembering something or someone, but never coming to the forefront of my mind.  I live in a mist of shadows.

And, two things have become abundantly clear across the past month to me: first is that I have lost all sense of who I am and secondly I am not where I am supposed to be!

Well, the latter, is the easiest to address - it is a feeling deep inside of me that I should be somewhere else.  No idea where, but I know it is not here.  Maybe it is just not in this environment.  But, there is nothing leading me anywhere, no direction what so ever.  Thus, I just stand still, in place, not knowing what to do.  In some ways I wish I would get hit over the head and wake up somewhere else and begin this process all over again - if only there was encouragement and support there.

And the former?  Seems to be real problem.  I have no sense of self, no knowledge of who I am, much less whom I am supposed to be!  It is quite paralyzing to any decision making process!.  It is apparently quite common, about 70% of people suffer a loss of identity for up three months after anesthesia.  Further, about 30% suffer this loss well after three months ... so for a lifetime ... oh joy ...

And from what I can find on the internet, there is nothing which can be done about any of this.  Tests on mice have suggested that usage of another anesthesia may kick start the brain for short periods of time.  Hypnotism can reveal the hidden mind to others but not make it known to the brain owner!  In my case, hampered by needing permission and attendance from the Department of Defense and State, to assure nothing was revealed which would be politically incorrect.  It would all be so much easier, if only hitting me over the head could clear this fog inside of me!

So, if you want to be joining with me in prayer, I really need to regain some sense of whom I am (or am to be!) and God really needs to do something about this quaking within me which tells me return to where I belong - where ever that is ...

Such a very messed up Kris ...