Dang!

So Friday during dialysis, yeah .....
Had another stroke.
No one noticed, save for me, hours later.
Other than my own embarrassment,
There were no casualties.

Saturday, was not much better:
Heart attack.
Still waiting to see if it will go all the way and end me.
BP is now 243/172
sigh

I guess I am cursed to follow in my father's ill health footsteps.
sigh
By unlike him,
I know where I am bound,
And no one understands my peace.

But it is not all peace.
I struggle with some things unknowns to me in Christianity,
Things I could never understand,
Still do not understand,
I really do hope that the counselor assigned to me can clear my mind in those areas!

It seems every time that I hunker down into survival mode,
Talk myself into overcoming,
The heart fails.
Very frustrating.

Well, two nitro's taken,
And feeling better now.
100 point drop in my BP.
So, guess I am going to live to see another day.
IF God wills it so.

It took three hours to type just this little bit.

Musical Saturday Morning

Remembering Romania

It has triggered many memories seeing the short series by Romanian TV.
To think that I knew so much of its history!
But then, my grandmother's family had lived and ruled from there until the 13th century anyways.
And a second wave of immigration to the Kyburg lands in Switzerland centuries later.

I found that I knew tank commanders,
Radio operators,
Even members of the government,,
And a KGB plant from Russia,
Not to mention one mention one member chosen for the firing squad -
All members of the underground church!

And all of them had played a hand in the fall of the government,
Thus by extension the execution of the dictator!

Well, I started thinking about that.
I understood that if you want to be a despot,
You probably got that one coming!

If I ever write a book,
I think I got the plot.
No one believe what happened and why in that little country.
Death never is understood when it happens.
The twisted intrigues of politics.
Amazing the junk in my old mind!

Now to find those letters,
Somewhere in my boxes .....
sigh .......

Comrade Detective

This is a tv show from Romania.
Filmed in the 1980's.
Rich with the Cold War paranoia and propaganda the west was guilty of as well.

The story revolves around a detective, whom could have been played by Tim Tomserson.
His partner dies early on and is replaced by the dead cop's best friend.
Need I say oil and water?
Yeah, they do not see eye to eye!

Into this drama are attempts to find the dead cop's killer.
All that is known is that he wears a Reagan mask!
I did mention propaganda, right?

Many slams against Americans' and our greed.
While praising the hard working honest Romanian!
Yeah.

But it is a good look into the Communist view of the West and capitalism.
Definitely dated.
With an solid story.

Unfortunately, it appears that the female US Ambassador is actually a money grubbing whore.
All other American woman really crave Romanian men.
Clothing optional - really?
The main character is nothing more than a serial rapist ....

So, yeah, no recommendation from me to see this "gem"!
However, shows 1,2,3,5,7 to end are reasonable,
Though heavily laced with unnecessary cursing.
Seems the favorite Romanian word is "f***".
gag ....


( and i have just learned i was suckered by this show!
it is actual made by a couple of degenerate Americans as a satire!
what an utter pile of crap they created!
and they thought it humorous!

just goes to prove how badly hollywood,
and tv have lost their way!
this really pisses me off!)

Indecisions

I try to carefully make wise decisions.
But, it seems that I have lost this abilirty.
So, I apply rules of logic.
And it is exhausting!

I want to go to work but I lack all life experience.
I lack all education, except that which I have restudied.
So no knowledge.
No history to draw from.
No hope of getting a job.
Thank you amnesia.
Sigh ...

I need to buy a car.
New, used, brand, model?
I am stymied by indecision!
Aaaaargh!

And everything seems to take literally three times longer than it should!

Six months reading car devoted magazines.
And, I have no clue what to do.
I am going to the Costco auto program site and see what they have next.

Perhaps with an easy to get and out of, I can volunteer to drive those such as I around town?
Well, something I could do.
I better ask Swede if this is a good idea though ...

Forgiveness

It is a small world it seems.
Last Thursday, in the meeting with my end of life counsellor, he got to talking about forgiveness.
No worries, I keep my conscience clear!
Or so I thought .....

Sunday, my second youngest God-Son was talking about forgiveness, too.
And, that got me thinking.
There are no coincidences in the Christian walk.
So, I prayed about this.

And I was amazingly reminded that there was plenty of for forgiveness.
Apparently burying stuff, does not help it go away.
And somethings can't be forgotten it seems.

Read Matthew 18:21-35

Forgiveness Frees
You need to understand forgiveness.

I am reminded of a guy down in Mexico whom was laughing after a fight with another guy.
When I asked why, he sia that now he "owned" that other guy.
Due to his hatred.
And, it ould seem forgiveness was out of the question!

Forgiveness Forgets
This is willing memory loss.
Something not natural at all!~

Remember you are forgiven.

Forgiveness Costs
Hatred and anger are poison to you!
Both bring on Stress, Heart Attacks, Ulcers ... etc!

Let go of the past.
Live in the now.
Remember the cost of your own forgiveness.

Troubles In Paradise

The first time I came to this area was in 1970.  The family was moving from South Carolina to Colorado.  I was sent to spend  early summer with my mother's brother in Washington State.

From my first introduction to this area, I fell in love with it.  It is just like where I grew up in Germany.  Bad weather and all!

So, high school graduation, plus one week and I was back Washington.
And with few exceptions I have stayed here, save for ten years back in Europe as my home base.
During this time, this area acquired road pavement, sewer treatment and the lice of this society: the meth-heads.

Yes, the press wants you to believe these are families forces from their homes by the economy.
In reality. it is about 50% meth and heroin addicts, 30% mentally challenged and 20% runaways.
But we are talking 100% alcoholism amongst them!

So, you may have heard this on the news last week:
Two men accosted a homeless man and severely injured him with a machete!

Typical liberal white washing hype!

In reality, two homeless drunks armed with a machete and a heavy chain - beat and chopped up a homeless meth user because they wanted his spot to beg from on our major road!

Two local fry cooks from the business this was in front off intervened and stopped them from butchering a concerned woman whom injected herself into the situation!

Drunks to jail, woman and meth user to the hospital in critical condition!

And this is what my paradise has come to!
What is not wrong with this culture and society!!!!!?????
I finally am of the opinion that this area is unredeemable ...

(but my grandchildren live here and so must I)

Musical Saturday Morning

I know this is a repeat from long ago.
I was remembering a person whom made me laugh back in 1980's.
It was only incidental, as I was learning about singing.
And there is this guy, Morten Harket.
A singer from Norway and he is gifted with a voice that can hit ALL notes!
Fascinating to listen to ...
Eh, maybe more freakish.

Now Morten rose to fame as part of Aha with their huge video hit, "Take On Me".
A story video of a girl whom is attracted to a comic character and then becomes a part of the story.
It ends happy.

Now his girlfriend at the time was "Bunty Bailey" aka Therese Bailey.
She was a hoot and we remained internet friends with me for many years.
And because I had known her, I would spot her in random other videos in the 1980's.

So, I was actually remembering her!
Probably will not tomorrow, sigh .....
And her appearance in this video - briefly, left a bad taste in my mouth.
Oh well, I liked the song, not the video.
I knew she was better than this.
I understood what Billy Idol was saying,
Having been there myself many decades ago .....

I still pray ever so often that "Billy Idol" will get his head together.
(off drugs, meet God, etc.)

Bad Thursday

So the ladies whom disconnect me from the machine have all suffered from the wrath of my veins!
Pull a needle and blood goes everywhere!
Floor, furniture, clothing and them.
Clotting can take 20 minutes.
And this is all a problem with management!
Then the Latvian lady observed they a case long ago like this - too much back pressure.
Whatever that is.

So surgeon does an ultrasound but finds nothing.
Yet, this lady is highly respected.
So he sends me to a specialist with the big ultrasound.

Now, I am expecting an ultrasound,
But the admissions desk is acting like something else is happening!
So, I am cautiously nervous now.....

Sure enough, the tech running this big machine,
Finds that there is an 85% restriction in the end of the fistula.
So, in spite of the pain this was causing me,
She was able to identify the restriction as a blood clot.
What, me finally clot!?!?!?!?!?
My Hapsburg clad would be proud!

So, I was rushed in to surgery.
Had an angiogram right then and there.
My stress levels went through the roof!
And I started randomly blabbering, like stress always does to me!
Sigh ....
I hear I gave a great lecture on disk drive theory  ... LOL!

So what better way to end the day than three heart attacks in a row!
But I have to do dialysis today,
So, we will see how Friday goes ......


For now, exhausted,
In pain,
And frightened ....

Free To Live

I wrote this across many days and tears last month.
I might live,
I might not.
No way to predict,
Only it will be way sooner than i expected ...

Galatians 5:1-6

We are free to live,
In the Kingdom of God,
Only if we remember to:

Stand Free
We are intended for FREEDOM,
Not slavery to the Law of Moses.
Freedom does not lead to lawlessness.
Your are NOT a slave,
Yet you are a voluntary slave!
His yoke (teaching) gives rest to our soul.
Teaching brings life!

Trust Grace
Faith vs Rule Keeping
Frees us - Rules bind us

Faith is to live as if something is so.
To fall from grace is to fall into legalism.
We want a checklist - God wants more than the list from us
Life by grace is to depend on God for all things.

Life Without Lack
Only God can offer us hope.
Think of Psalm 23.
Follow close to the shepherd.
Trust God, it is your choice, and He will not force to!

It is our hope - we are assured of the Holy Spirit.
                      - we bget to live with Him in His righteousness.

We must respond to His Word/Message.

Consider reading the whole of John's Gospel and his Letters as well ........

The Joy of Being Content, Part 2

A good catch by a reader, I never published the second part of a study at the end of March!
Such a mind I am left with...
Sorry.

Philippians 4:10-19

Go With The Flow
Life isn't "fair".
What you depend on will disappear,
People will become unstable,
Jobs come and go,
And health .... yeah, well .....

Paul was writing from prison and Roman prisons were not nice.
There are two ways to look at any given situation:
Positively
Or Negatively

Be positive in your outlook!
Not in fantasy land.
In reality.
Paul had an appointment with death.
He was chained to two soldiers tasked with executing him when the decision was made.
Moment by moment, he had to await his head coming off!

Find Strength In Jesus
It is His strength NOT yours you must have.
You must learn to have FAITH
And BOLDNESS.

Whatever the situation you find yourself in:
God will lead you
He will see you through it

But empowering you with His spirit.
(this is not to say He will dig you out of holes you put yourself in!
He will help but play the worlds game and it can damage you!)

God Will Meet Your Needs
But you have to trust Him first!

Rome gave prisoners NOTHING!
All food, water and clothing was your responsibility!
If no one provided what you needed, you died!
But the believers in Philippi wre supplying Paul.
So, God was supplying Paul via the Philippi believers!
And God can and will supply your needs.

And, if He doesn't - He is still God!

(As I reread this I was reminded of Paul's death in Foxes' Book of Martyrs:
The news of the decision came while Paul was performing a baptism in Rome.
The Emperor had signed the death decree.
The guards had Paul baptize them,
Soldier One drew his sword and lopped Paul's head off.
Following prayer, Soldier Two lopped the first soldier's head off,
and then fell on his own sword.
Very Roman.
But such was life in the 60's AD ..... )

Sunny Sunday

Its spring in the great northwest, what is there to say?
It has been dreary for about two weeks straight.
Lots of rain!
But on Sunday we had a break in the weather.
Sunshine!
And when it is sunny everything must play!

Including these orca whales:

Suddenly, I have a craving for a salmon dinner!

Mark 8

Was reading in the book of Mark.
I am not a real big Mark fan person.

It is not written in a style that speaks to me like any of John's writings do!
Perhaps that is why we have 4 Gospels and 4 personality types ... ?
Interesting contemplate!

But on to the question for my mind this morning:
The Kingdom of God

The Jews had been longing for freedom from their submissive relationship to Rome.
And it was not coming!
They longed for their long sought after Messiah.
They even had a theory that there could be up to three of them before they got their freedom!
Yeah, they were spiritualizing and then giving new meaning to scripture, where none was needed, had they any faith!

So, the Jews were looking for a sign He was whom he appeared to be.
And there would be none ....

As for the Kingdom of God,
Did it begin with Jesus death on the cross?
His resurrection from the grave?
When He underwent Transfiguration to His Heavenly body?
I would go with resurrection - the entire point of proving who Jesus really was!
Millions died on crosses thanks to the Romans.
But none came back to life, those Romans did good work.

And that weird passage about Peter being called Satan ....
What is with that?
Well, if man's interests are put ahead of God's ....
Then we are looking at not God,
Hence, we are looking life through Satan's eyes, not God's.

Musical Saturday Morning

So, this is the video I told you about earlier in the week.
No idea as to whom it refers.
No idea as to why I know it so well.
Nor the singers face.

But, it moves me every time I hear it, in non understood ways ...

Silver

I think about a great a many things on a great many subjects daily.
I have no clue why.
Thoughts come - thoughts go.
Most I just dismiss.
No real time to think deeply.
I am in survival mode.

But I have pondered often enough one on subject,
So much so,
I am intrigued.

Why is silver so cheap?
Historically, it has always been about 12% of gold in value on a free market.
Except, for when the prices are being "fixed" by the government.

So, silver is running about $18.
But gold is at say $1500!
Not the expected silver at $125!
Why?
Certainly Mexico, Chile and Peru are being strip mined for silver by US corporations.
But, that is by far feeding the industrial sector.

So, is someone dumping silver for the past year in great volumes?
It is an intriguing question.
Or, is the real question that someone is artificially keeping gold prices high?
And, if so why?

Either silver is too cheap or gold is too high!
But, both can not be true.

Parade

Saturday was the daffodil parade down in Pierce County.  For 25 miles numerous bands, horse groups, motorcycles and very many floats ran the distance from Tacoma to Orting six hours later!

My eldest grand-daughter was in a cheer leader for her grade school.  It would not have been so bad had it not been raining all day long and freezing outside!  Not quite cold enough to snow but darn close!

At last year's parade, she walked on the opposide from where we stood, so picture of her in the parade.  So this year I stood on the opposite side and yup - she walked on the opposite side this year!  So no actual pictur of her in the parade again!

eeepah! I am cursed at times.

But Tim's Kitchen served up a warm meal for all of us.

And Ben Franklin in Bonnie Lake became the source of many crafting supplies.  So as we approach the rainy season - I am well supplied with distraction.

Deje Vu

Talk about total deje vu!

It began on Sunday night.
A song echoing faintly through a dream.
I knew it,
I knew the words,
I knew the singer and her sultry voice well!
Real stuff she would probably never say in public.
Somewhere our paths must have crossed,
And she spilled her guts to a weird German.
Yet I knew nothing once awake.
So very odd - so very normal anymore.







Then, I was at Toyota Tuesday shopping for a new car, or at least the next car for me ....
Suddenly this song begins to play and in a semi-dreamlike state I was transported elsewhere!
So very weird!

I knew the song,
I saw a face I no longer know,
But not the one from the memory-dream of the other night.
A very different face.
But, I knew well.
And all of the seasons of her being.

And the words stung me deeply,
But I know not why.

Another place,
Another time,
Another Kris,
Before I was robbed by the fates:
Of my body,
Of my mind.

I will post the song on Saturday.
Maybe I will know more by then?

An official Kris Mystery I need to solve!
For now she will just be the Wunschmädchen of my dreams ....


(and how the heck did I, out of nowhere did I remember an old German term from mythology for what appears to be untranslatable?!?!?!?  Such is the moment by moment struggle within  my mind!  Too many expressions, too many languages - and I truly know nothing, and yet, somehow I do! Almost every moment of everyday is Deje Vu!)

Sightings

Second to the youngest of my God-daughters appeared at my door Friday night!  I see so little of her since she came to America!  Of course that has much to with her behavior, which landed her in the local state prison!  Then off to the Federal prison for a few years!  I have never seen anyone so difficult to deal with, and neither has the prison system here!  So she was declared an adult and booted out - at age 14!  Yeah ....

But she has got her act together, working full time for a company which imports goods made by women businesses in third world countries.  Very cool.   Still with an abusive guy ... sigh ...  But not much she wants done to free her from this.

And youngest God-daughter popped up!  Haven't seen her either in over a year!  But she was very much in butterfly mode so no time to chat.  But nice to know she is still alive.

And ran into many I knew as I was able to go to church on Sunday.  SO MANY PEOPLE!  eepah!  But  it was good to see some of them.  And again all of these people whom I have no clue whom they were wanted to talk to me.  Frustrating never knowing anyone anymore.

And at my favorite cantina, many more I may have at one time known.  And one of "my girls" from when she was in junior high, at least 25 years ago at a minimum!  She turned into a nice person once she grew up - but my oh my, she earned her nickname: Death Angel, the had way!  But we had a good talk ...

UFO's

Yes, it is that time of year, sort of, where we celebrate being the first sighting of a flying saucer in modern history! 
In years past, it was always on April first - "April Fools Day", but this year the powers that be said, nope - do it on the 5th.  What ever ...

Lots of people came in costume, with prizes given for best alien, best man in black, best flying saucer, etc.
Yes, much fun to be had by all!

Except, it rained and dampened enthusiasms .

Musical Saturday Morning

I loved this guys voice back in the 1970's!

Stephen's Ministry

You ever heard of this?
Someone came up with an idea for a counseling ministry.
I was part of this for the past few years -
But now I am at the end of life and need someone to pray with me.

Interestingly, the church by "random" draw gave to someone whom was to help me.
And it seems it was not so "random" - God had a plan.

This guy is very much like me:
History
Ministries
Shaftings
Had to face his own death recently
Yeah, he has been through the wringer too!

We have met twice so far.
Time for getting acquainted.
Time for prayer.
Time enough for me to wonder what God has planned.

Indeed!

There are NO coincidences in the Christian walk.
Everything is by design.
And we are too dumb to figure it out at the time!
So, looking forward to this exercise ....

Success!

So my court appearance went well.
The short of it:

The judge was the same one as who told me to appeal last time!
He sat down, looked at me with slight recognition.
The prosecutor stood up and said the state was withdrawing charges.
His gavel banged down and I was told to leave!

Really?????
Well, Praise The Lord!!!!!

So no $575 ticket!
Much less having a ticket on my record!
So still a clean record officially.
Today, I start to get my license reinstated.

Hopefully not too involved.

So, it was stressful and worrisome but with good results for me.

Court Day

So, today is my day in court.

For late joiners:
I had a minor heart attack, passed out, car exited the freeway and was a total!
And they gave me a ticket for passing out!
And suspended my license for six months!

I can't argue not driving for six months.
I still have PTSD and considerable facial pain from all of the broken bones.

My only time in court, as an adult, was the hearing which passed the case over to a higher court.
It should be dismissed if they listen and read the notes from the doctors ......
Hopefully that is a small if!

So prayer appreciated.
I am nervous because I don't know what to expect!
But I trust God will see me through this.
I'll let you know how it goes tomorrow!

Basics of Christianity

It is not about the cross - it is about the grave!
The topic of a presentation I was asked to give at the theological seminary in Denver.
I had no relation with them, other than my mother was a student there and I attended all of there get togethers.
I had been talking with someone at one of those times and had broached this idea.
I take no credit for it, it was part of what I was taught as a Hutterite.
But was considered of interest to them.
Naive me went ...

Apparently it was a trash the heretic event, and I was the offering for the week!
I walked away in tears not understanding how a Protestant school could cling so tightly to bad Roman Catholic teaching ...
I was never invited back.
sigh. guess I should have seen that coming!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But if truth be told, no matter what the learned teach,
It is NOT about the cross, it is about the GRAVE!

Hundreds of thousands, if not millions, died on Roman crosses.
But, one could be proven at the time to have returned from the grave!
And politicians whom opposed this knowledge had to bribe people to shut them up!

Today, modern culture says:
Eggs, eating, smiling, happiness, chocolate bunnies, seasonal weather, love, thinking about others
Are all what Easter is really about.
Totally ignoring Jesus and the resurrection!

Colossians 3:1-4

But Easter is the proof that our faith is true!
All of Christianity rests upon the resurrection!
Roman soldiers knew how to kill,
Knew what dead people look like,
There was no question Jesus was dead!
Jesus' resurrection from the grave was a game changer!
Then Jesus left His tomb - the final proof of whom Jesus is.

By the way, resurrection means he returned to life, not went to Heaven!

God did not create anyone, much less you, to destroy you.
It is to begin to bring you to perfection.
If you allow Him.

You have been raised from the grave in Jesus' resurrection.
It should change your life and how you live today.

It harder given all of this to understand thanksgiving when all is wrong,
Or like me you are at the end of your life - decade earlier than it should be!
And yet, I have to have faith that the journey God had me on was by design.
At any point, 21 days later, I could well be at peace - finally!

Until then, I continue to live with that death sentence in the back of my mind,
With the ache in my arm, the constant reminder ...

Hope you Easter was great!

Day With Swede

The guy whom builds my legs is located in Georgetown, just south of Seattle and all but impossible to reach apart from having a ride, such as a taxi.  And, they want $40 from where I live to Georgetown!  REALLY?????

So, Swede comes down from Everett to give me a ride and I pay for dinner and sometimes lunch.  Let me tell you, I owe the guy by now!  I sort of suspect that were it not for Edvard's death four years ago, he would not be so thoughtful.  Just a thought and I think touching of how he views our relationship.  Yeah, I miss Edvard as well.  He was unique in his abilities with plants!

Compared to him, everyone has black thumbs of death!

So, I set off on my daily hike.
First up was my coin shop where I had ordered 1,000 polyethylene holders for my nickel collection.
Koin-Tainor is a US company which manufactures these.
They thought I was insane, no one collects nickels ....
Sigh.....

I also had won some late Roman Britain pieces in a silent auction, so I paid for them.
And headed to the drugstore where I found out that my missing meds I had picked up on the 25!
They even had a copy of my signature on the pick up!
So must search now!

Then, I saw people over at Burger King and found out that they serve breakfast!
A double sausage, with egg, on sourdough hit the empty spots!

Then a march to the cash machine to deposit checks and transfer some more money from my royalty account to my checking account.
Next door is a spice dealer where I picked up fixings for a bruchetta appetizer for my oldest daughter on Sunday.

Heavily laden, I staggered to my dentist office half a mile away!
Where one of my cleaners from before the amnesia met me and I had no clue whom she was.
SO, all my walls were up and she laughed and laughed, as I am very much a clown with them up!

Then I headed to my favorite Mexican cantina, only Swede was not there.

So, sniffed around a discount store and found to two canning jars, my weakness, and a WagnerWare cast iron frying pan in great condition for $5.00! 
Lunch was excellent, as always.

At the leg factory, it was a barrel of laughs as they tried to get the leg the right length and the foot's geometry correct!
Such a comedy of errors!
Swede was sound asleep snoring something awful the entire time.
Even the front office was in tears they were laughing so hard!

Yeah, we have a lot of fun!