Tripped Up

When I was laying out this week's ideas to blog about, Monday came rather naturally, and then I was clueless for the rest of the week's posts.  Of course life interceded and so Tuesday was taken care of and then I had some silliness for Wednesday.  But, I had no peace.

I read through my ideas for Monday a dozen times and, well, it said exactly what I wanted it to.  Perhaps slightly obscure but I felt it was "right".  And then I realized that maybe Tuesday's post needed to be something personal.  I know you think I say too much that is personal, but in reality if all you knew about me was what is in these blogs, you would not know me at all.  I do keep my personal struggles and private items - out of the news.  I needed to talk about leaven in our lives, my life and how I fouled up some time back ...

There are few I trust.  If you pass the trust barrier, you will never be questioned as to motives or not trusted with everything I have.  It is very black and white.  So Dutchman and reader Kelly both long ago proved their trustworthiness - there is literally nothing I would not do to help them, as they helped me and/or kept a trust.  In other words, I am in debt to them for their help proved true and Godly.  Conversely, Swede, dear brother that he is - betrayed that trust long ago.  I did not throw him away, I just have to always remember his limitations were self serving.  And there are others, whom never even come close to being trusted yet are a part of my circle.

So, what do you do when your trust is betrayed?  Someone whom became a part of your life, was family, and they turn on you.  Talk about being blindsided, I never saw it coming, I rarely do when we are talking about those I trust, I never question them or their motives.  Apparently, as I have learned, I have to be more actively analytical with my trusted friends!

In any event, I was blindsided, yet again.  I never saw it coming, even to this day it leaves me in unsure territory, I have no clue what happened or why.  But, I do know that something inside of me "snapped".  Suddenly, I was faced with having to question everything - a lifetime of everythings!  What was right, what was wrong, what did I do?  And I had no answers, only more questions.

Satan stubbed my toe and I tripped on that one.  I was angry with God - I had been blindsided after-all.  I was angry with them - for they had set out purposefully to harm me.  I was angry at me - for I had trusted them in the first place.  And unrepentant anger always leads to sin ...

What does this have to do with the leaven of yesterday's post?  Because the leaven in this mix was my pride and arrogance at trusting others and never questioning.  I trusted.  In my black and white world that was sufficient.  Pride had blinded me to any warning God could possibly have given me. 

It was a short hop off of a well worn path I was on and into the chasm of sin.  I was stunned, only seconds ago I was where I should be, doing what I should be - and in less than a blink of an eye .... yeah, well we all fall short of our expectations - right?

That is how I know you can recover, you can regain your correct path, you can continue in God's mercy.  For me, it took six months of intensive effort to restore myself.  No, I am the lessor man today.  I was damaged with a wound that may never heal.  I walk slower now on that well worn path.  I question, perhaps even when it is not necessary - for I no longer have the arrogance to believe I am automatically right or in the right.  And I have lost my ability to trust as I had in the past.  Perhaps I can trust in this moment, but tomorrow - there are no guarantees it seems.

And, years tick by.  No resolution possible - it takes two to resolve an issue.  My only solace lay at the feet of Jesus.  He knows my heart before, during and after - as He does their's.  Without pride, I believe I might have been blind but not in sin that I am aware of - even in years of reflection.  I can not know their heart.  Somewhere, in-between us, lay reconciliation.  And that, I do still hope for.  I actively mourn the loss of friends.

Leaven is the poison in our lives, always there, always lurking, always waiting to trip us up at the least expected moment and lead us into sin.