Galatians 2:1-10
Bring Someone With You
Paul served with Barnabas and Titus to reach the Gentile world.
The Judaizers came preaching the requirement for circumcision.
Titus was not circumcised.
A council in Jerusalem to discuss this issue!
Go Along With Someone Else
Barnabas and Saul/Paul.
Paul and Titus.
Barnabas and Titus.
Together in life, ministry, study, praise,prayer, travels, fellowship.
And the hard one - travel to Jerusalem to face down the Apostles over the question of ministry to the Gentiles!
Unity was found in the faith!
Serve Together
In life: yours and theirs.
In Church: Sunday School, Youth programs, Bible Studies, prayer, activities.
In missions: here or abroad.
The point here is that you were never intended to be a Lone Ranger and by doing so you not only cripple you attempts but can be harmed as well. So, the lesson here is - buddy up for the best in fellowship, study and ministry! Enrich your life but it takes more than just you to do so.
Just know that like Paul, Titus and Barnabas you are going to face opposition from within - your church, your family, your friends. You will be opposed and the more you are accomplishing for God or vexing Satan, the greater you attacks are going to be. You will be the exception if you can stand up to 100% opposition. You need the prayers of others and fellowship with others, if you are to stand and face the winds of hatred and betrayal.
You would be amazed.
August 31, 2016
Discernment
“Discernment is not knowing the difference between right and wrong.
It is knowing the difference between right and almost right.”
— Charles Spurgeon
It is knowing the difference between right and almost right.”
— Charles Spurgeon
There’s a whole lot of almost right out there. And, boy, is it frustrating.
The only thing more frustrating is the number of professing Christians who line up to support an almost right idea with little or no thought.
The semi-truths are everywhere, our culture is riddled with it — politics, social debates, business — but they are particularly maddening in churches. This is especially important for Christians because, in a spiritual context, being almost right is often the same as being totally wrong. You are even warned about this in your Bible you never read!
But identifying almost right can be tricky.
You see, almost right sounds really good. It sounds so close to the truth that it can be easy to mistake it for the truth. It might even come packaged with Bible verses and sincere sermons or in speeches from the pulpit. It tickles your ears because it sounds Christian. And when it comes from a person in authority, such as a pastor or professor, it’s not questioned because, “Hey, he studies the Bible a lot more than I do.”
To be blunt: There are a lot of bad churches, places that are houses of worship in name only. They worship a god of their making, no the Creator God of the universe!
To be more blunt: Bad churches don’t care about the Bible. Sure, they all say they care, but really they only care about the parts that make them feel good, or that make them feel successful, or that make them feel superior to others. Actual study of the Bible is nonexistent. These churches preach love without truth and they preach truth without love. In either case, it’s ultimately a man-centered gospel, not the Jesus-centered Gospel.
And that’s bad news for people like you seeking truth (I hope!).
As Christians, we must acknowledge that Scripture is the only source of absolute truth. That truth may clash with your feelings.
It may clash with our friends.
It may clash with our upbringing.
It may even clash with what you hear from the pulpit every Sunday!
What does almost right look like in practice? It can take various forms. Here are a few examples you might find in churches today:
“Salvation comes through the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ and then doing your best to live out Christ’s teachings.” Almost right. (Read Ephesians 2:8-9)
“God blesses those He loves and wants us to be happy.” Almost right. (Read Matthew 5:10-12)
“As Christians, our priority is to fight for the oppressed and oppose injustice wherever we see it.” Almost right. (Read: Matthew 22:36-38; Matthew 28:19)
See? They sure sound nice, but ultimately they are spiritually dangerous half-truths.
How to spot a bad church, even yours - they:
— De-emphasize the sinful nature of man and the need for repentance and salvation.
— Preach salvation through works.
— Preach salvation through a combination of faith and works.
— Rarely preach salvation at all.
— Focus more on the social gospel than the actual Gospel.
— Share pastor’s personal stories and motivational speeches, with a sprinkling of the Bible.
— Use secular music during worship services.
— Emphasize feeling or experience over teaching the Word.
— Emphasize feeling or experience over teaching the Word.
That’s not an all-inclusive list, which is part of the reason why discernment is so important.
But discernment does not end when we leave church. We must keep it at the ready all day, every day. This extends to our dealings with friends and family. It also extends to the political candidates, issues and causes we support. There’s really nowhere it doesn’t exist for a Christian.
So the lesson here is simple:
— Be careful about from whom and from where you seek advice or guidance on spiritual matters.
— Be careful whose words you trust.
— Pastors, friends and family members are all fallible.
— The Bible teaches that there are many false gospels out there.
— They aren’t always obvious because many of them are, almost right.
So what do you do?
Test every claim about God, about salvation, about the Christian life through the lens of the entire Bible with the guidance of the Holy Spirit. The Bible is not meant to be selectively read. This can not be overstated. It should not matter whether we otherwise trust someone, or whether they have been right in the past. Test everything, always!
Don’t seek out verses to confirm a particular viewpoint, but consider everything God has revealed about the matter. Sometimes this requires more than a cursory perusal of Scripture.
You will never acquire discernment without study of the Bible and knowing what it has laid out as right and wrong. And yes, there is a spiritual gift of discernment, where the Holy Spirit is telling you something is right or wrong, but if you do not know the Scriptures you will never be able to know what or which it is!
Theologically speaking, an inch from the truth might as well be a million miles.
August 30, 2016
Listen Up Young Men!
It has been a few years since I have had to say this ... but, every four years or so, this topic pops up!
On the internet, when you arrive at a site for whatever reason, lots of data is associated with your arrival and departure:
The address of where you were last
The address of where you are going to
User names, user ids
etc ...
So, when you decide to visit my Blog, any Blog, any site - even your bank!, they instantly find out where you were last - and where you are going to go when you leave!
Now young men the problem ...
Many of you are visiting pornography sites on the internet. Sigh ... :(
Please consider this:
All of those pretty bodies you are drooling over are someone's daughter, sister, mother. They are real people whom have obviously been damaged by someone in their past for their lives to be now the willing (and often drugged) object of internet pages.
Objectifying anyone, for the purposes of sexual desire, cheapens human life, warps your perspective on womanhood, sex and the almost dead concept of love.
You damage yourself ...
Twice two of my friends daughters, were drugged and unwilling objects of use, it shattered those young women - and with help they could recover. With the FBI they could know that no one was ever going to again see those photos and videos ...
Think! young women! Watch where you are, whom you are with, literally trust no one with you drinks! Nor be caught alone with Mr Hottie ... One of them was in junior high and was not even safe in school! Watch you are not the single female with a group of males, as one of my high school girls learned in French class! Fifteen guys raped her before the teacher returned! And the school district tried to hush it up! GRRRRRRR!
As for the other, more willing victims, yeah something broke them at some point in their lives as well. I could use my last god daughter as an example. Smooth talking guy, lots of free drugs, and she is now splattered across the internet! The first six guys to do this to her went to Federal Prison, then she turned 16 and the Feds no longer cared. She didn't either, just as along as the drugs kept coming along ... Now at 21, she is trying to get a normal life together ... but guess what! She is too well known to get a normal job! Too broken for normal relationships. It will be years of therapy ... Go figure.
So do not assume any woman in the world is going to be like what you should not be seeing. As a man, you are visual, as a man you have a requirement to hold yourself above the experiences of any dog ... There are things like integrity, honor and purity which are worth seeking to possess and become.
Yeah, let your real wife be your first kiss and your first experiences. Note I said, WIFE!
You will owe her that much ...
One day.
On the internet, when you arrive at a site for whatever reason, lots of data is associated with your arrival and departure:
The address of where you were last
The address of where you are going to
User names, user ids
etc ...
So, when you decide to visit my Blog, any Blog, any site - even your bank!, they instantly find out where you were last - and where you are going to go when you leave!
Now young men the problem ...
Many of you are visiting pornography sites on the internet. Sigh ... :(
Please consider this:
All of those pretty bodies you are drooling over are someone's daughter, sister, mother. They are real people whom have obviously been damaged by someone in their past for their lives to be now the willing (and often drugged) object of internet pages.
Objectifying anyone, for the purposes of sexual desire, cheapens human life, warps your perspective on womanhood, sex and the almost dead concept of love.
You damage yourself ...
Twice two of my friends daughters, were drugged and unwilling objects of use, it shattered those young women - and with help they could recover. With the FBI they could know that no one was ever going to again see those photos and videos ...
Think! young women! Watch where you are, whom you are with, literally trust no one with you drinks! Nor be caught alone with Mr Hottie ... One of them was in junior high and was not even safe in school! Watch you are not the single female with a group of males, as one of my high school girls learned in French class! Fifteen guys raped her before the teacher returned! And the school district tried to hush it up! GRRRRRRR!
As for the other, more willing victims, yeah something broke them at some point in their lives as well. I could use my last god daughter as an example. Smooth talking guy, lots of free drugs, and she is now splattered across the internet! The first six guys to do this to her went to Federal Prison, then she turned 16 and the Feds no longer cared. She didn't either, just as along as the drugs kept coming along ... Now at 21, she is trying to get a normal life together ... but guess what! She is too well known to get a normal job! Too broken for normal relationships. It will be years of therapy ... Go figure.
So do not assume any woman in the world is going to be like what you should not be seeing. As a man, you are visual, as a man you have a requirement to hold yourself above the experiences of any dog ... There are things like integrity, honor and purity which are worth seeking to possess and become.
Yeah, let your real wife be your first kiss and your first experiences. Note I said, WIFE!
You will owe her that much ...
One day.
August 29, 2016
The Unexpected
I have mentioned numerous times in the past, the importance of always being ready for the unexpected. Roll with the punches, respond showing Jesus' love and concern, and always remember He will be with you throughout all - even to the end!
And, oh man, I got clobbered last Wednesday!
The first three hours of the day would have been enough to make ANYONE just plain give up and go back to bed!
Then I was violently ill as the day wore on. I think I might have poisoned myself with the chemicals used to clean the bridge I am to paint one day.
And then, Satan attacked. Kris' walls were down, I had nothing left: physically, emotionally nor mentally for that matter.
Then, Gaelic Girl made a special guest appearance in the afternoon! Just popping in to trash me good. Apparently I am incapable of even breathing correctly and needed a sound thrashing. I gave up long ago ever trying to please her, she is a malcontent whose only pleasure is in apparently attacking others - I am not the only one to weather her rampages.
And I held the line, requiring respect from her if she had anything to say - and - oh by the way, she might even want to think on gratitude. Lord, knows - I do a ton for her and get nothing but criticism in return. Never even a single thank you!
KABOOM! she stormed off to rip the head off my voodoo doll again.
I am beyond caring.
I sat back to see what was new on FaceBook.
Of course, nothing is ever new on FB - just requests to forward dumb bunny posts to prove I love Jesus, or to comment that some beautiful face is a beautiful person (completely opposite statements, but that is the mentality these days!) and the one I really love - "If you are my friend ....."!
I went to messages, hoping for a message that will never be there. That is how it is with the past - you are not important enough to remember. But there was one message from someone whom is not a FB friend. Well, I do get notes rarely from a kid in Peru and one in Addas Abba (?). So, I accepted it ...
Back in 2012, I had a message from FB telling me I had three people inquiring about me. So, I bit and up popped three names of long past friends ... I was quite surprised! One I replied to instantly and never heard back from, one became my friend - but then dropped me when she found a guy, and the third ...
Yeah, what to do with a friendship that had been real and then poof, nothing? It died due to distance and time. And I prayed about what to do. 2012 was a horrible year and it was the most fantastic year. I got to see God working, I also got to see Satan in all its might crushing people I respected and had counted as family. And I was taking so many hits, from so many directions, so fast, I had to just sit back on this message thingy ...
I did drop a note eventually and said "Hi", but years were to pass. I figured it was just a fluke, maybe just wondered if I was still alive, or where I lived?
And, Wednesday, Kris is on his lips beaten to pulp by GG - again questioning as to why I am even here - honestly, why do I even bother with life?
Seriously!
And there, Wednesday, in the messages section, was a very old friend querying how i was!
A God thing to encourage me? Maybe. Timing is rarely by coincidence.
So, recovering a friendship is always good.
Someone whom does not trash me regularly will be nice.
And I hope it is of some value to them as well?
Doubt I will ever meet up with them, as my profile picture shows - I am still in mourning of life's inequalities.
And, as I have learned, a broken Kris is neither convenient nor impressive to anyone ...
And, oh man, I got clobbered last Wednesday!
The first three hours of the day would have been enough to make ANYONE just plain give up and go back to bed!
Then I was violently ill as the day wore on. I think I might have poisoned myself with the chemicals used to clean the bridge I am to paint one day.
And then, Satan attacked. Kris' walls were down, I had nothing left: physically, emotionally nor mentally for that matter.
Then, Gaelic Girl made a special guest appearance in the afternoon! Just popping in to trash me good. Apparently I am incapable of even breathing correctly and needed a sound thrashing. I gave up long ago ever trying to please her, she is a malcontent whose only pleasure is in apparently attacking others - I am not the only one to weather her rampages.
And I held the line, requiring respect from her if she had anything to say - and - oh by the way, she might even want to think on gratitude. Lord, knows - I do a ton for her and get nothing but criticism in return. Never even a single thank you!
KABOOM! she stormed off to rip the head off my voodoo doll again.
I am beyond caring.
I sat back to see what was new on FaceBook.
Of course, nothing is ever new on FB - just requests to forward dumb bunny posts to prove I love Jesus, or to comment that some beautiful face is a beautiful person (completely opposite statements, but that is the mentality these days!) and the one I really love - "If you are my friend ....."!
I went to messages, hoping for a message that will never be there. That is how it is with the past - you are not important enough to remember. But there was one message from someone whom is not a FB friend. Well, I do get notes rarely from a kid in Peru and one in Addas Abba (?). So, I accepted it ...
Back in 2012, I had a message from FB telling me I had three people inquiring about me. So, I bit and up popped three names of long past friends ... I was quite surprised! One I replied to instantly and never heard back from, one became my friend - but then dropped me when she found a guy, and the third ...
Yeah, what to do with a friendship that had been real and then poof, nothing? It died due to distance and time. And I prayed about what to do. 2012 was a horrible year and it was the most fantastic year. I got to see God working, I also got to see Satan in all its might crushing people I respected and had counted as family. And I was taking so many hits, from so many directions, so fast, I had to just sit back on this message thingy ...
I did drop a note eventually and said "Hi", but years were to pass. I figured it was just a fluke, maybe just wondered if I was still alive, or where I lived?
And, Wednesday, Kris is on his lips beaten to pulp by GG - again questioning as to why I am even here - honestly, why do I even bother with life?
Seriously!
And there, Wednesday, in the messages section, was a very old friend querying how i was!
A God thing to encourage me? Maybe. Timing is rarely by coincidence.
So, recovering a friendship is always good.
Someone whom does not trash me regularly will be nice.
And I hope it is of some value to them as well?
Doubt I will ever meet up with them, as my profile picture shows - I am still in mourning of life's inequalities.
And, as I have learned, a broken Kris is neither convenient nor impressive to anyone ...
August 27, 2016
Musical Saturday Morning
My joyous days of living in Germany were winding down, my father was moving me against my will to America. I was outraged and completely blocked from any response - no passport, no money, no relatives (I knew of at the time) - I was stuck living with Danish Uncle (whom I loved dearly) until the move. But, oh was I hot! Uncle would just nod his head and mutter under his breath. I do not think he thought much of father, or mother for that matter either.
And, in those dark days I met someone whom changed the blackness to brilliant colors (metaphorically speaking) ... I first heard this song while she was playing 45's on her little phonograph and I thought, "Yeah, it fits ... there is some thing there ..." And, I had no clue what it was or what it meant. I needed a friend and she was that friend until the day I was dragged away.
A few years later, our paths were to cross again in South Carolina and she was about as stunned as me at how random that was! After a brief chat, a complete stranger caught my attention and said quietly, "Steer clear of that one, she gives axe murderers a bad name ..."
And, I had no clue what that meant either.
By the end of the school year, she was hauled away and institutionalized ... Everything hushed up, no way to ever know what had happened, except for the funeral for her older brother, nothing else had the same timing us kids could ferret out nor make sense of. And I had no response, no details made public, hushed whispers about that "troubled girl". How as one to respond?
Go figure that odds on how weird this is!
And, in those dark days I met someone whom changed the blackness to brilliant colors (metaphorically speaking) ... I first heard this song while she was playing 45's on her little phonograph and I thought, "Yeah, it fits ... there is some thing there ..." And, I had no clue what it was or what it meant. I needed a friend and she was that friend until the day I was dragged away.
A few years later, our paths were to cross again in South Carolina and she was about as stunned as me at how random that was! After a brief chat, a complete stranger caught my attention and said quietly, "Steer clear of that one, she gives axe murderers a bad name ..."
And, I had no clue what that meant either.
By the end of the school year, she was hauled away and institutionalized ... Everything hushed up, no way to ever know what had happened, except for the funeral for her older brother, nothing else had the same timing us kids could ferret out nor make sense of. And I had no response, no details made public, hushed whispers about that "troubled girl". How as one to respond?
Go figure that odds on how weird this is!
August 26, 2016
Better Off Dead
Oh ugh, Wednesday had such a bad start!
No fears, I will not tell you about it, no one would believe that tale!
I barely do!
But, I got up, switched on the TV and there was a very familiar movie playing. Yeah, "Better Off Dead", one of my favorites as the old Kris - so I sat back to watch.
Good Lord! Someone whom must have known my life in high school, wrote the story of my messed up teenage years!
There are differences for sure:
Cusack has a father at home - mine was missing in action
His mother was a lovable loonie - mine was literally insane, then disappeared
He had an obnoxious brother - mine was a gifted sister
His dead car was a Camaro - mine was an Austin Healy
He had a girlfriend before the French girl - Helen was my first girlfriend (still do not know why though!)
He made the big race and won - I tore every tendon and ligament in both legs
He drove his Camaro home - mine never did run
But, yeah that movie was the story of my high school years, with very minor differences, as noted above!
And I got to thinking about those days and how utterly clueless I was about life, the universe and everything. Most teenagers are, but I was way behind the curve on that score, and for most of my life! I can only testify that in the last few years have I been awaken to reality - a reality I really did not want to meet head on. Whom could have predicted such pain from being clueless? Yeah, anyone with a brain and not behind the curve. Sigh ....
So, interestingly, a movie from my past I still like and laughed over even today.
As for the rest of Wednesday - oh ugh ... may I not have to live through that again! Satan has a way of always attacking weak links - and mine goes off with regularity. Unnecessary ugliness, things said which are uncalled for - and in the end it is always my fault .....
And it brought some surprises as well - so completely unexpected! I will tell you more on Monday!
No fears, I will not tell you about it, no one would believe that tale!
I barely do!
But, I got up, switched on the TV and there was a very familiar movie playing. Yeah, "Better Off Dead", one of my favorites as the old Kris - so I sat back to watch.
Good Lord! Someone whom must have known my life in high school, wrote the story of my messed up teenage years!
There are differences for sure:
Cusack has a father at home - mine was missing in action
His mother was a lovable loonie - mine was literally insane, then disappeared
He had an obnoxious brother - mine was a gifted sister
His dead car was a Camaro - mine was an Austin Healy
He had a girlfriend before the French girl - Helen was my first girlfriend (still do not know why though!)
He made the big race and won - I tore every tendon and ligament in both legs
He drove his Camaro home - mine never did run
But, yeah that movie was the story of my high school years, with very minor differences, as noted above!
And I got to thinking about those days and how utterly clueless I was about life, the universe and everything. Most teenagers are, but I was way behind the curve on that score, and for most of my life! I can only testify that in the last few years have I been awaken to reality - a reality I really did not want to meet head on. Whom could have predicted such pain from being clueless? Yeah, anyone with a brain and not behind the curve. Sigh ....
So, interestingly, a movie from my past I still like and laughed over even today.
As for the rest of Wednesday - oh ugh ... may I not have to live through that again! Satan has a way of always attacking weak links - and mine goes off with regularity. Unnecessary ugliness, things said which are uncalled for - and in the end it is always my fault .....
And it brought some surprises as well - so completely unexpected! I will tell you more on Monday!
August 25, 2016
A Night To Remember
Mark 14:43-52
Judas: The Betrayer
Gave up Jesus with the kiss of friendship.
We know this as, "The Kiss of Death" through the ages.
One of the twelve.
He had inside access to Jesus.
For three years - he should have figured it out.
But for greed ...
Peter: The Impulsive
A show of force against Jesus in his arrest.
Peter reacts.
He keeps his promise to Jesus to lay down his life for Him.
And Jesus must step in, heal the servant injured and tell Peter to put the sword away.
Jesus: The One At Peace
He knew God is in control.
He was in the center of God's will.
He understood the temporary nature of "life".
He was ready for the next step.
The Unknown One
The one fleeing away naked.
Someone whom had tagged along with Jesus that night.
Well, Jesus had been at Mark's grandmother's home for the Sabbath.
Was this Mark?
Was this his way of saying, "I was there, I fled too ..."?
---
Dutchman, Swede, Edvard and I used to contemplate this passage ... how could anyone have done differently? Of course, there is no way - this was God's desire - He foreordained this - He was the one in control. Jesus must be betrayed, He must be abandoned by all, Jesus must die.
There is just the sense of hopelessness in the coming loss to the disciples. Their paths were about to change dramatically - in spite of themselves! And the Roman world was about to be overturned.
And we would think about the price those men paid ... for what was to become "Christianity" today. No comparison to what God wanted, what Jesus and all of the disciples gave their lives for ... Today we have this useless mush called a religion, there are few whom understand the cost of what they have been given. There are few whom are willing to live their lives on the edge, never being completely sure their direction - much less God's perfect will. Just stumbling along, making mistakes, never giving up, always trying to be what we are called to be and do.
And the four of us would then sigh ... not knowing our futures, only our interests and desires and not knowing how God could or would use them or us. Certainly, in my estimate, we stayed the course - with bumps along the way. Nothing could have surprised us more than Edvard's death, the bets were literally Swede or I dying first. Edvard the rock you could always count on. And years later, we still do not understand why.
Just like the disciples, we are so clueless, so not understanding, so confused, so close to the cusp of the future ...
Judas: The Betrayer
Gave up Jesus with the kiss of friendship.
We know this as, "The Kiss of Death" through the ages.
One of the twelve.
He had inside access to Jesus.
For three years - he should have figured it out.
But for greed ...
Peter: The Impulsive
A show of force against Jesus in his arrest.
Peter reacts.
He keeps his promise to Jesus to lay down his life for Him.
And Jesus must step in, heal the servant injured and tell Peter to put the sword away.
Jesus: The One At Peace
He knew God is in control.
He was in the center of God's will.
He understood the temporary nature of "life".
He was ready for the next step.
The Unknown One
The one fleeing away naked.
Someone whom had tagged along with Jesus that night.
Well, Jesus had been at Mark's grandmother's home for the Sabbath.
Was this Mark?
Was this his way of saying, "I was there, I fled too ..."?
---
Dutchman, Swede, Edvard and I used to contemplate this passage ... how could anyone have done differently? Of course, there is no way - this was God's desire - He foreordained this - He was the one in control. Jesus must be betrayed, He must be abandoned by all, Jesus must die.
There is just the sense of hopelessness in the coming loss to the disciples. Their paths were about to change dramatically - in spite of themselves! And the Roman world was about to be overturned.
And we would think about the price those men paid ... for what was to become "Christianity" today. No comparison to what God wanted, what Jesus and all of the disciples gave their lives for ... Today we have this useless mush called a religion, there are few whom understand the cost of what they have been given. There are few whom are willing to live their lives on the edge, never being completely sure their direction - much less God's perfect will. Just stumbling along, making mistakes, never giving up, always trying to be what we are called to be and do.
And the four of us would then sigh ... not knowing our futures, only our interests and desires and not knowing how God could or would use them or us. Certainly, in my estimate, we stayed the course - with bumps along the way. Nothing could have surprised us more than Edvard's death, the bets were literally Swede or I dying first. Edvard the rock you could always count on. And years later, we still do not understand why.
Just like the disciples, we are so clueless, so not understanding, so confused, so close to the cusp of the future ...
August 24, 2016
Return To Life
Well, still running 10 to 15 minutes up on my leg per hour - being really good! It is so good to be able to walk, bend, stoop - freedom of movement! Such a blessing! You better believe I am being good! And that brings me to the point of where I can start to do things again!
First up is getting the bridge from the roadway to the house ready for winter. All of the screws have been tightened, the cracks scrubbed clean, and weirdly - you have to spray down the fresh wood with some form of solvent to remove a factory sprayed on finish lumber receives prior to delivery to stores. Never heard of that one before, but it could be in our weird culture that wood is treated to make it pretty for sale. And that was a bit of a pain: hose down, spray chemical, wait 15 minutes, scrub down, hose down again! But it can not be done in pass - no, you have to do one side of the bridge, then the other, then the top. But, it is an acid spray - so you have to do one bannister, then the other, then the decking - ending at the road. That is so I can wash back towards the house and then be able to go in with clean shoes - I hope! I only have one pair of shoes to wear with the prosthetic.
Today, the bridge is drying out in our little mini-heat wave. So, a day of rest from outside duties. But, much to do in cleaning inside the house. I appear to be only one whom will put anything away, so the kitchen is a disaster! Some of what is on the kitchen table has been there since October 2015 - and where stuff needs to go, I can not go without two legs. So, that is today's task! Perhaps grandchildren can sit at the table to eat for a change ... sigh ...
Perhaps by fall I will be able to do some yard work? Car work? Etc, the never ending to do list!
Well, back to my cleaning!
Ciao bella!
Thursday, I will be staining the banisters and setting up a camp for the grandchildren!
Yes, it is camp-out time with the rascals!
First up is getting the bridge from the roadway to the house ready for winter. All of the screws have been tightened, the cracks scrubbed clean, and weirdly - you have to spray down the fresh wood with some form of solvent to remove a factory sprayed on finish lumber receives prior to delivery to stores. Never heard of that one before, but it could be in our weird culture that wood is treated to make it pretty for sale. And that was a bit of a pain: hose down, spray chemical, wait 15 minutes, scrub down, hose down again! But it can not be done in pass - no, you have to do one side of the bridge, then the other, then the top. But, it is an acid spray - so you have to do one bannister, then the other, then the decking - ending at the road. That is so I can wash back towards the house and then be able to go in with clean shoes - I hope! I only have one pair of shoes to wear with the prosthetic.
Today, the bridge is drying out in our little mini-heat wave. So, a day of rest from outside duties. But, much to do in cleaning inside the house. I appear to be only one whom will put anything away, so the kitchen is a disaster! Some of what is on the kitchen table has been there since October 2015 - and where stuff needs to go, I can not go without two legs. So, that is today's task! Perhaps grandchildren can sit at the table to eat for a change ... sigh ...
Perhaps by fall I will be able to do some yard work? Car work? Etc, the never ending to do list!
Well, back to my cleaning!
Ciao bella!
Thursday, I will be staining the banisters and setting up a camp for the grandchildren!
Yes, it is camp-out time with the rascals!
August 23, 2016
Random Memory
As I was typing up yesterday's post, I was to be reminded of another memory, but it had nothing to do with yesterday's post on the weekend adventure.
I was trained as a scuba diver, as a part of my rather shady past. I am not sure what that training had to do with my unfriendly assignment to the Middle East, but maybe they were just covering bases - no idea then, absolutely none now! I do remember that the guy whom trained me was a Navy type named Don and I have no doubt that he has long since died in a diving accident - he was even more reckless than me! But, then I had known a few WWII divers in Europe, and often thought of them and their broken bodies as a young teenager. What drove rational men to take such risks with their bodies? Today, I am in awe of such men. And, I was at least cautious with anything having to do with water!
And my spotter, Dutchman, I just now remember had a major accident with a spear gun and I had to save the poor guy! It was both the scariest and weirdest thing I had ever seen. Image you are diving and your dive partner is about twenty feet away, he is placing the bands on his spear gun and sudden he is jerked backward and just the size of his eyes told you that something horrible had happened! I kicked over to him as fast as I could and saw that both of his hands were not usable for some reason, which I could not understand, but I could understand the spear which had pegged his right foot to the sandy floor. A brown mist raised from both of his hands and foot. Blood? What the heck?
I pulled the foot off of the bottom of the ocean and hit his auto inflator. At the surface, I had to pull his mask back as his hands were unusable and he could not kick, due to the spear still in his foot! So, on the way back to the shore, with me playing tugboat, I learned about how one of the speargun's bands had broken, the metal clips slicing through both hands, he jerked back and a finger caught the trigger, firing the spear with one band - through his foot and pegging him to the bottom! Oh how we laughed later!
But, what brought this memory back was the random memory of Marvella or Malvena, whatever her name, that we did a dive and met a very friendly woman by the name (or all things) as Kitty! She invited us back to her and her sister's vacation condo for a party. I was a little leery, Dutchman was all for it! So we went and met her sister, Bunny! I could not believe it! Later in the night I asked Bunny what was Kitty's real name. She got her sister's driver's license out of her purse and showed me - her name really was Kitty! Seems her father really liked, Gunsmoke, a show I had never seen. I was fearful of asking where, "Bunny" came from ... It was a fun night, lots of lobster, lots of wine, lots of diving stories and poor Dutchman trying to find his car in the wee hours - were we to ever make it back to our place and away from the dangers of where this party was going!
And surprisingly, many decades later I was to run into Kitty again. Yeah, she had given up diving, given up partying and settled down - husband and kids to boot! I was happy for her. I sure hoped that her children were a bit more discrete than she had been ...
I was trained as a scuba diver, as a part of my rather shady past. I am not sure what that training had to do with my unfriendly assignment to the Middle East, but maybe they were just covering bases - no idea then, absolutely none now! I do remember that the guy whom trained me was a Navy type named Don and I have no doubt that he has long since died in a diving accident - he was even more reckless than me! But, then I had known a few WWII divers in Europe, and often thought of them and their broken bodies as a young teenager. What drove rational men to take such risks with their bodies? Today, I am in awe of such men. And, I was at least cautious with anything having to do with water!
And my spotter, Dutchman, I just now remember had a major accident with a spear gun and I had to save the poor guy! It was both the scariest and weirdest thing I had ever seen. Image you are diving and your dive partner is about twenty feet away, he is placing the bands on his spear gun and sudden he is jerked backward and just the size of his eyes told you that something horrible had happened! I kicked over to him as fast as I could and saw that both of his hands were not usable for some reason, which I could not understand, but I could understand the spear which had pegged his right foot to the sandy floor. A brown mist raised from both of his hands and foot. Blood? What the heck?
I pulled the foot off of the bottom of the ocean and hit his auto inflator. At the surface, I had to pull his mask back as his hands were unusable and he could not kick, due to the spear still in his foot! So, on the way back to the shore, with me playing tugboat, I learned about how one of the speargun's bands had broken, the metal clips slicing through both hands, he jerked back and a finger caught the trigger, firing the spear with one band - through his foot and pegging him to the bottom! Oh how we laughed later!
But, what brought this memory back was the random memory of Marvella or Malvena, whatever her name, that we did a dive and met a very friendly woman by the name (or all things) as Kitty! She invited us back to her and her sister's vacation condo for a party. I was a little leery, Dutchman was all for it! So we went and met her sister, Bunny! I could not believe it! Later in the night I asked Bunny what was Kitty's real name. She got her sister's driver's license out of her purse and showed me - her name really was Kitty! Seems her father really liked, Gunsmoke, a show I had never seen. I was fearful of asking where, "Bunny" came from ... It was a fun night, lots of lobster, lots of wine, lots of diving stories and poor Dutchman trying to find his car in the wee hours - were we to ever make it back to our place and away from the dangers of where this party was going!
And surprisingly, many decades later I was to run into Kitty again. Yeah, she had given up diving, given up partying and settled down - husband and kids to boot! I was happy for her. I sure hoped that her children were a bit more discrete than she had been ...
August 22, 2016
Roads Already Travelled
Saturday, I decided it was time to retrace some of my life's footsteps. Since I have NO memory, and my short term is not doing exactly real well, either - any road travelled would be a new adventure - of a memory.
Two weeks ago I did the Seattle to Leavenworth loop, down to Cle Elum and back to Seattle. Exhausting! But no memories ... with the exception that there was a fine German place in Leavenworth but, alas, no places to park! I also remember quite a bit of geological work in the Blewett Pass area. But, no details and nothing looked familiar what so ever.
So, this weekend I did a 1,000 mile tour to the San Juan Islands, a place I used to know well. Back in the late 1970's, I did a great deal of scuba diving in what is toted as the third best scuba location on Earth. But, nothing ... just all new to me. A faint glimmering of hauling yellow tanks in and out of customs, off and on planes - and a beautiful woman named Marvella (or was it Malvena?) from Portland, Oregon. Now where did that memory come from!?!?!?!? Just my point - random stuff just pops up and then is gone, no context what so ever! Sigh .... (Though, if you are Marvella, drop me an email! The Dutchman and I have often wondered what became of you!)
Now, what to do next weekend?
Two weeks ago I did the Seattle to Leavenworth loop, down to Cle Elum and back to Seattle. Exhausting! But no memories ... with the exception that there was a fine German place in Leavenworth but, alas, no places to park! I also remember quite a bit of geological work in the Blewett Pass area. But, no details and nothing looked familiar what so ever.
So, this weekend I did a 1,000 mile tour to the San Juan Islands, a place I used to know well. Back in the late 1970's, I did a great deal of scuba diving in what is toted as the third best scuba location on Earth. But, nothing ... just all new to me. A faint glimmering of hauling yellow tanks in and out of customs, off and on planes - and a beautiful woman named Marvella (or was it Malvena?) from Portland, Oregon. Now where did that memory come from!?!?!?!? Just my point - random stuff just pops up and then is gone, no context what so ever! Sigh .... (Though, if you are Marvella, drop me an email! The Dutchman and I have often wondered what became of you!)
Now, what to do next weekend?
August 20, 2016
Musical Saturday Morning
I am joyous today!
Yes, my leg went on Wedsday, for one hour, followed by 8 hours of pain pills!
Thursday I had the leg on for eight hours but only walked for 15 minutes of every hours.
Then Friday I went for all day, with numerous rests, the leg gets so tired, so easily!
But, I am joyous to walk again!
As a bit of humor (so you know this is not going to be normal, since it is me!):
I was in a youth choir at my mother's Southern Baptist (non-Christian) Church. So, the director that decided the youth would sing on a given Sunday night, and we practiced ever song for weeks! We were as nervous as was humanly possible!
But right off the start one the members hollered out that he wanted to hear us sing "Joy To The World"!, a song we never practiced. We looked at each other, each lost as the other, "Really?"
So, the choir director gave us the 1-2-3 and we in unison hollered out, "Jeremiah was a bull frog!"
The music stopped, the church was utterly silent and we looked confused at each other. After the swearing had stopped, I commented that only "Joy to the World" we knew was by Three Dog Night .....
Yeah, we did not do much singing after that in church after that and my name was mud from that day on ... (because I stood up to the Pastor and Choir Director's cursing)
Yes, my leg went on Wedsday, for one hour, followed by 8 hours of pain pills!
Thursday I had the leg on for eight hours but only walked for 15 minutes of every hours.
Then Friday I went for all day, with numerous rests, the leg gets so tired, so easily!
But, I am joyous to walk again!
As a bit of humor (so you know this is not going to be normal, since it is me!):
I was in a youth choir at my mother's Southern Baptist (non-Christian) Church. So, the director that decided the youth would sing on a given Sunday night, and we practiced ever song for weeks! We were as nervous as was humanly possible!
But right off the start one the members hollered out that he wanted to hear us sing "Joy To The World"!, a song we never practiced. We looked at each other, each lost as the other, "Really?"
So, the choir director gave us the 1-2-3 and we in unison hollered out, "Jeremiah was a bull frog!"
The music stopped, the church was utterly silent and we looked confused at each other. After the swearing had stopped, I commented that only "Joy to the World" we knew was by Three Dog Night .....
Yeah, we did not do much singing after that in church after that and my name was mud from that day on ... (because I stood up to the Pastor and Choir Director's cursing)
August 19, 2016
Walmart
Pick a place I never go willingly.
Pick a place my mother loves to shop at!
Sigh .....
Mother's car broke down last week, so I offered to run her around to her favorite shopping places yesterday. Yes, Good Will, St. Vincent de Paul, Dollar Store, Fred Meyers, Winco and alas, Walmart - all had to be visited. I had estimated 6 hours including a two hour commute for me to mom's house ... but it ran to 10 hours. The worse shopper I have ever seen since Swede armed with a gift card ...
While mother vanished almost instantly into Walmart, I took a leisurely tour of the store. Honestly, I think better goods can be had at Fred Meyers for about the same cost!
As I passed a pair of ladies in the clothing section, it quickly became apparent that one of them was the age of my mother, the other her daughter and much younger than me! (My mother had quite a head start in life ... sigh)
Older lady: "Now I told you that if you do not like the kind of people whom shop here, then you need to shop somewhere else!"
Younger: "But I can't!"
Older: "Now that is not true. You have to start making life decisions which support the life you should be living - versus the one you are!"
Younger: "But I can't!"
I kept walking and thinking about that little piece of advice I overheard. Definitely we are either blessed or cursed by the choices we make. Even if you have a history of poor judgment, you can still change your course - you just have to have the courage of your conviction.
Not bad advice, for a Walmart customer ... Or maybe this was an invention session - you know - "Go to a real store that does not support enslavement of Christians in China ....."
Yeah, I bad.
:^)
Pick a place my mother loves to shop at!
Sigh .....
Mother's car broke down last week, so I offered to run her around to her favorite shopping places yesterday. Yes, Good Will, St. Vincent de Paul, Dollar Store, Fred Meyers, Winco and alas, Walmart - all had to be visited. I had estimated 6 hours including a two hour commute for me to mom's house ... but it ran to 10 hours. The worse shopper I have ever seen since Swede armed with a gift card ...
While mother vanished almost instantly into Walmart, I took a leisurely tour of the store. Honestly, I think better goods can be had at Fred Meyers for about the same cost!
As I passed a pair of ladies in the clothing section, it quickly became apparent that one of them was the age of my mother, the other her daughter and much younger than me! (My mother had quite a head start in life ... sigh)
Older lady: "Now I told you that if you do not like the kind of people whom shop here, then you need to shop somewhere else!"
Younger: "But I can't!"
Older: "Now that is not true. You have to start making life decisions which support the life you should be living - versus the one you are!"
Younger: "But I can't!"
I kept walking and thinking about that little piece of advice I overheard. Definitely we are either blessed or cursed by the choices we make. Even if you have a history of poor judgment, you can still change your course - you just have to have the courage of your conviction.
Not bad advice, for a Walmart customer ... Or maybe this was an invention session - you know - "Go to a real store that does not support enslavement of Christians in China ....."
Yeah, I bad.
:^)
August 18, 2016
Preparing For The Future
Your ultimate hope must be in God - not in Trump, Clinton, gold, your 401-K or other people or things! Death will affect your life - family, friend, co-workers, even you!
Mark 14:32-42
Expect Weakness
If you get this: you will not end up being mad at God!
Nor, mad at life.
Nor, think that all is not fair to you in life!
You will experience problems with: money, work, in all of your relationships, etc.
God is there to help you through these times of stress and trial.
Accept You Are Human
Verse 37
Know, get used to the idea, that you are going to fail.
Peter, James and John needed to stay awake but could not.
Just like them, we are clueless as to the future, the importance of events now.
Hence, we must always be aware and prepared, in order to protect ourselves.
Be Driven To Prayer
Verse 36
Talk to the only hope you have!
God is your father.
He knows you.
Intimately, familiar, safe.
And all prayer is: Your will, not mine .....
Proceed In Strength
Verse 43
God provides the strength, you need, when you need, for what you face!
Get up and go.
And even Jesus was in need of strength for what he was about to face ...
An angel came and comforted him .... but you have to read a little more to know that!
Mark 14:32-42
Expect Weakness
If you get this: you will not end up being mad at God!
Nor, mad at life.
Nor, think that all is not fair to you in life!
You will experience problems with: money, work, in all of your relationships, etc.
God is there to help you through these times of stress and trial.
Accept You Are Human
Verse 37
Know, get used to the idea, that you are going to fail.
Peter, James and John needed to stay awake but could not.
Just like them, we are clueless as to the future, the importance of events now.
Hence, we must always be aware and prepared, in order to protect ourselves.
Be Driven To Prayer
Verse 36
Talk to the only hope you have!
God is your father.
He knows you.
Intimately, familiar, safe.
And all prayer is: Your will, not mine .....
Proceed In Strength
Verse 43
God provides the strength, you need, when you need, for what you face!
Get up and go.
And even Jesus was in need of strength for what he was about to face ...
An angel came and comforted him .... but you have to read a little more to know that!
August 17, 2016
Leg Work
The month of August has been one of intensive physical therapy, EEPAH!
With them trying to get my leg to reduce in size so that I can fit into the socket for the artificial leg, all sorts of goodies are used on poor Mr. Stumpy!
To me, the weirdest is this special tape they use which runs from my crotch, down the inside of the leg, then is cut to splay out over the area to be reduced in size. The tape has an interesting adhesive pattern on the back of it forms waves across the width of the tape. The idea is to lift the skin as you walk, causing a flow of the abundant liquid from the swollen area to the lymph system higher up the leg. And it works! In the past two weeks, Mr. Stumpy has gone from 49.9 cm in circumference, to 38 cm yesterday! Too weird.
Compression I understand and poor Mr. Stumpy has been having the squeeze put on him since this weirdness first erupted back in June, but I had not yet figured out I had a problem yet! So, I have shrinker socks of varying sizes to compress the whole of the leg. Then the physical therapist started to wrap the leg with varying kinds of cloth strips. That works okay, except the leg shrinks so much that it falls off during the first night, everytime.
And of course, no walking, because you can't. Sigh ...
So, it is now mid August, have not been able to take a step since mid June - which means my great treasure hunt now must be cancelled. :( I will not be able to walk well enough by the time of the trip, especially with the terrain being steep. And I really was looking forward to this. Oh well.
Here is to hope and prayer, that my leg will be small enough in the very near future! I am really tired of using my knee scooter for 100% of my travels ...
With them trying to get my leg to reduce in size so that I can fit into the socket for the artificial leg, all sorts of goodies are used on poor Mr. Stumpy!
To me, the weirdest is this special tape they use which runs from my crotch, down the inside of the leg, then is cut to splay out over the area to be reduced in size. The tape has an interesting adhesive pattern on the back of it forms waves across the width of the tape. The idea is to lift the skin as you walk, causing a flow of the abundant liquid from the swollen area to the lymph system higher up the leg. And it works! In the past two weeks, Mr. Stumpy has gone from 49.9 cm in circumference, to 38 cm yesterday! Too weird.
Compression I understand and poor Mr. Stumpy has been having the squeeze put on him since this weirdness first erupted back in June, but I had not yet figured out I had a problem yet! So, I have shrinker socks of varying sizes to compress the whole of the leg. Then the physical therapist started to wrap the leg with varying kinds of cloth strips. That works okay, except the leg shrinks so much that it falls off during the first night, everytime.
And of course, no walking, because you can't. Sigh ...
So, it is now mid August, have not been able to take a step since mid June - which means my great treasure hunt now must be cancelled. :( I will not be able to walk well enough by the time of the trip, especially with the terrain being steep. And I really was looking forward to this. Oh well.
Here is to hope and prayer, that my leg will be small enough in the very near future! I am really tired of using my knee scooter for 100% of my travels ...
August 16, 2016
Oil Paints
Painting in oils has long been a desire of mine. It was the first paint I used when I was just a kid - with the help of my grandmother. And she cleaned the brushes for me!
As I started getting back into art over 40 years later, my best teacher used to stay and talk to me after classes. She had been an art student with Bob Ross and two other well known oil painters. (Bob for some reason never acknowledges those classes in his autobiographical statements!) But, as the one after another artist died, he was in touch in my teacher - very concerned about that the clock ticking.
You see, oil paints are based on turpenoid extracts, as are their cleaners. And turpenoids are absorbed by your skin, passed to your liver - which then dies. That is why my teacher switched to watercolors, once she had figured it out. And in time, Bob was to die as well. Just as my teacher was to a few years later. All of that liver damage so early in life, well, just not recoverable.
So, I have been working this year to come up with a less dangerous oil paint, because I really do want to paint in oils!
The first attempts never did yield a mixture which could dry! Oh gees!
Then three months ago I started with five separate methods. Last week was the test of them against each other. And there was one one clear winner!
The winner of the five, dried faster, carried the pigment better and had a nice luster! It was almost like using acrylic, except that it is not a plastic product. I am just stunned!
So, it looks like I can produce an oil paint that can be cleaned up with water, seems to work any pigment easily. The only draw back is that colors come out darker than I expected - but perhaps if I used less pigment I will get that objective.
Cost wise, it is just as expensive as buying water based oil paints. So, why do it? Because I can reproduce 174 colors right now, all based on earth pigments (hence color stable), with the exception of titanium white. Now to do a real painting and see how it goes!!!!!
Now, can I do this in bulk one day?
As I started getting back into art over 40 years later, my best teacher used to stay and talk to me after classes. She had been an art student with Bob Ross and two other well known oil painters. (Bob for some reason never acknowledges those classes in his autobiographical statements!) But, as the one after another artist died, he was in touch in my teacher - very concerned about that the clock ticking.
You see, oil paints are based on turpenoid extracts, as are their cleaners. And turpenoids are absorbed by your skin, passed to your liver - which then dies. That is why my teacher switched to watercolors, once she had figured it out. And in time, Bob was to die as well. Just as my teacher was to a few years later. All of that liver damage so early in life, well, just not recoverable.
So, I have been working this year to come up with a less dangerous oil paint, because I really do want to paint in oils!
The first attempts never did yield a mixture which could dry! Oh gees!
Then three months ago I started with five separate methods. Last week was the test of them against each other. And there was one one clear winner!
The winner of the five, dried faster, carried the pigment better and had a nice luster! It was almost like using acrylic, except that it is not a plastic product. I am just stunned!
So, it looks like I can produce an oil paint that can be cleaned up with water, seems to work any pigment easily. The only draw back is that colors come out darker than I expected - but perhaps if I used less pigment I will get that objective.
Cost wise, it is just as expensive as buying water based oil paints. So, why do it? Because I can reproduce 174 colors right now, all based on earth pigments (hence color stable), with the exception of titanium white. Now to do a real painting and see how it goes!!!!!
Now, can I do this in bulk one day?
August 15, 2016
Expect The Unexpected
I was working on this post last week, when suddenly my real life erupted and began to mirror what I was working on! So, I did some tweaking of this over the weekend, to mirror reality and something we each need to be prepared for. For me it was getting caught upside the head by a brick, to be sure it was expected, but it still is a surprise - real pain is experienced and you have to deal with it.
Peter, is no different than you or me, just a guy - living his life and then the unexpected hit him upside the head too - being told something he had already heard but just could not grasp ... until that truck hit him.
Mark 14:26-31
You Will Stumble
You have to be prepared.
You must be ready for trials.
V 30 - Peter is warned, Jesus predicted, Peter could not accept it.
We will all fail ourselves.
We will all fail God.
We will all sin.
V29 - all of the Disciples felt this way.
V31 - "I will not ..."
Satan will always attack the weakest link in any organization, any group, inside of you!
Money, sex, love, pride, power - what will it take to make you blink if even for a second?
And Satan will have you then hooked, reel you in and bring chaos to your life - if you let it. (Satan is never referred to as a him, just an it ...)
(Unfortunately, we attribute to Satan what is not of it, perhaps even of God, because we can not accept nor understand ... the unexpected.)
You must KNOW your own personal weaknesses.
You must guard your heart, examine yourself, God wants you back. (Rev 2:5)
You Will Make It!
Be sure to thank God for it, even as you work through it!
God's Love will never fail you!
V28
Zachariah 13:7
Jesus mission will be accomplished by Jesus/God.
Kill the Shepherd and the sheep will be scattered to Galilee, but it is not over yet!
The Kingdom of God is not over, nor in trouble!
You Choose
You get to choose what happens next, don't blow it!
You get to choose what is better or what will be bitter.
Harden your heart or suffer a broken heart?
You get to choose ...
Jesus waits for you.
Jesus waits for your free decision.
Please choose wisely ...
Jesus specializes in healing broken hearts.
He also can deal with hardened hearts, but that is another story!
---
As for me, I went back through as much as I can remember (since anything before October 17th is still lost to me), went through emails, text messages, etc. In the end I realized that many of the things said were outright wrong, some were narcissistic - but the result is all the same. Kris gets hit with a brick.
So, I prayed about the situation again, only this time I just expanded this to include all those whom used to be my brothers and sisters, those whom I had trusted and loved. And the weekend was quite interesting.
People I have not heard from in years contacted me! That is with NO prodding from me! Just out of the clear blue: text messages, phone calls, people I never see shopping at the same time as me and then one visitor! And completely unanticipated was the outpouring of messages from "my kids" across the years ... The average conversation, not from my youth however, ran along the lines of: "I do not know why I am doing this, but I thought I would tell you about how I am doing ..."
Just driving home of the point of what is wrong with this culture, society and those whom used to be my friends and were so normal ... They all are familiar with the challenges I face, daily, but NO one actually cares, not even to the point of being unable to really do anything now, entering week ten to even offer help now. In fact I was asked to provide one lady's family a meal, and deliver it!, on Wednesday! I can not even cook for myself ... So much for reality and my friends ...
Life is a multiplied struggle when you are an amputee, it does not help to hear about what your friends believe to be the causes of my misery. And they have all known me for years, some almost my whole life!, and yet all seem to believe that I am being punished for being the world's greatest sinner - and I need to once again be told this. I realize it is a product of the pagan churches they attend. But, I know where I stand with God, how God works, what the true state of my heart is ... and they are truthfully wrong - which is not to say I do not deserve the worse which God can do, which is true for any of us. To be truthful, I am unresolved on how to handle being intentionally misled, doing the right thing, then finding out the underlying lie and how wrong it all went ... It vexes me! Why couldn't David have said something along this line to cheer me up and confirm I am smarter than him! (that's a joke son!!)
Poor Job, I fully/truly understand your predicament now ...
And that leaves Swede. Dear Swede, I have no idea what to do with you. He certainly was God sent across this past year - taking me to most of my doctor's appointments, shopping and even an occasional movie. And I certainly knew this was originally driven by the guilt he felt over betraying me. Yeah, he was the one whom out of the blue showed up and took me on a jaunt to Cabela's. Interesting. And yet, I know I can not trust him with much, not even to the point of the contents of this post! All he knows will be used against me at a later date by others ... trust me, this has happened so many times it is pathetic. Even if it is not a secret - he can't keep it! How do you deal with a Christian which over and over again is used as a tool by Satan?
As for my closest friend, perhaps one day we may reconcile, but for now I just need to pray for them out of their church I think ...
As for the unexpected youthful outpouring, along came a copy of my first non-computer related book! Yeah, I wrote 26 manuals for IBM and several more on Project Management. No, my name appears nowhere, such is the life of a contractor! And I wrote a book similar to Patrick McManus', outdoors adventures and humor style, only my tales were true - with photos even! So, I settled down and read a few of the stories on Sunday - yeah, they had me cracking up! But, I could not even recognize my father in the photos - yeah, I know it was him, but nothing memory wise. And no memory of the events - but I got photos! Sad.
And in my heart I am once again at peace. Just a little sad at the state of things. Probably just another sign that I am not where I belong, doing what I am supposed to and so utterly flummoxed as to any way in which to change the status quo.
Sigh.
Brick damaged healed, pain may last a lifetime - because I can not believe I could be so wrong .....
And God might be doing something odd with my future, there is a chance for dollars to come my way (enough to end my debt!) - so here is to hoping!
Peter, is no different than you or me, just a guy - living his life and then the unexpected hit him upside the head too - being told something he had already heard but just could not grasp ... until that truck hit him.
Mark 14:26-31
You Will Stumble
You have to be prepared.
You must be ready for trials.
V 30 - Peter is warned, Jesus predicted, Peter could not accept it.
We will all fail ourselves.
We will all fail God.
We will all sin.
V29 - all of the Disciples felt this way.
V31 - "I will not ..."
Satan will always attack the weakest link in any organization, any group, inside of you!
Money, sex, love, pride, power - what will it take to make you blink if even for a second?
And Satan will have you then hooked, reel you in and bring chaos to your life - if you let it. (Satan is never referred to as a him, just an it ...)
(Unfortunately, we attribute to Satan what is not of it, perhaps even of God, because we can not accept nor understand ... the unexpected.)
You must KNOW your own personal weaknesses.
You must guard your heart, examine yourself, God wants you back. (Rev 2:5)
You Will Make It!
Be sure to thank God for it, even as you work through it!
God's Love will never fail you!
V28
Zachariah 13:7
Jesus mission will be accomplished by Jesus/God.
Kill the Shepherd and the sheep will be scattered to Galilee, but it is not over yet!
The Kingdom of God is not over, nor in trouble!
You Choose
You get to choose what happens next, don't blow it!
You get to choose what is better or what will be bitter.
Harden your heart or suffer a broken heart?
You get to choose ...
Jesus waits for you.
Jesus waits for your free decision.
Please choose wisely ...
Jesus specializes in healing broken hearts.
He also can deal with hardened hearts, but that is another story!
---
As for me, I went back through as much as I can remember (since anything before October 17th is still lost to me), went through emails, text messages, etc. In the end I realized that many of the things said were outright wrong, some were narcissistic - but the result is all the same. Kris gets hit with a brick.
So, I prayed about the situation again, only this time I just expanded this to include all those whom used to be my brothers and sisters, those whom I had trusted and loved. And the weekend was quite interesting.
People I have not heard from in years contacted me! That is with NO prodding from me! Just out of the clear blue: text messages, phone calls, people I never see shopping at the same time as me and then one visitor! And completely unanticipated was the outpouring of messages from "my kids" across the years ... The average conversation, not from my youth however, ran along the lines of: "I do not know why I am doing this, but I thought I would tell you about how I am doing ..."
Just driving home of the point of what is wrong with this culture, society and those whom used to be my friends and were so normal ... They all are familiar with the challenges I face, daily, but NO one actually cares, not even to the point of being unable to really do anything now, entering week ten to even offer help now. In fact I was asked to provide one lady's family a meal, and deliver it!, on Wednesday! I can not even cook for myself ... So much for reality and my friends ...
Life is a multiplied struggle when you are an amputee, it does not help to hear about what your friends believe to be the causes of my misery. And they have all known me for years, some almost my whole life!, and yet all seem to believe that I am being punished for being the world's greatest sinner - and I need to once again be told this. I realize it is a product of the pagan churches they attend. But, I know where I stand with God, how God works, what the true state of my heart is ... and they are truthfully wrong - which is not to say I do not deserve the worse which God can do, which is true for any of us. To be truthful, I am unresolved on how to handle being intentionally misled, doing the right thing, then finding out the underlying lie and how wrong it all went ... It vexes me! Why couldn't David have said something along this line to cheer me up and confirm I am smarter than him! (that's a joke son!!)
Poor Job, I fully/truly understand your predicament now ...
And that leaves Swede. Dear Swede, I have no idea what to do with you. He certainly was God sent across this past year - taking me to most of my doctor's appointments, shopping and even an occasional movie. And I certainly knew this was originally driven by the guilt he felt over betraying me. Yeah, he was the one whom out of the blue showed up and took me on a jaunt to Cabela's. Interesting. And yet, I know I can not trust him with much, not even to the point of the contents of this post! All he knows will be used against me at a later date by others ... trust me, this has happened so many times it is pathetic. Even if it is not a secret - he can't keep it! How do you deal with a Christian which over and over again is used as a tool by Satan?
As for my closest friend, perhaps one day we may reconcile, but for now I just need to pray for them out of their church I think ...
As for the unexpected youthful outpouring, along came a copy of my first non-computer related book! Yeah, I wrote 26 manuals for IBM and several more on Project Management. No, my name appears nowhere, such is the life of a contractor! And I wrote a book similar to Patrick McManus', outdoors adventures and humor style, only my tales were true - with photos even! So, I settled down and read a few of the stories on Sunday - yeah, they had me cracking up! But, I could not even recognize my father in the photos - yeah, I know it was him, but nothing memory wise. And no memory of the events - but I got photos! Sad.
And in my heart I am once again at peace. Just a little sad at the state of things. Probably just another sign that I am not where I belong, doing what I am supposed to and so utterly flummoxed as to any way in which to change the status quo.
Sigh.
Brick damaged healed, pain may last a lifetime - because I can not believe I could be so wrong .....
And God might be doing something odd with my future, there is a chance for dollars to come my way (enough to end my debt!) - so here is to hoping!
August 13, 2016
August 9, 2016
Taking A Break
i will be suspending posts for the rest of this week
i very much need to collect my thoughts
i have much to pray over
and think over
i very much need to collect my thoughts
i have much to pray over
and think over
August 8, 2016
Not Surprised
Given what the past two years have been like, I should not be surprised. Little goes as desired, planned or expected. Remember last week and my loss of 110 friends? Yeah, I thought I would wait and see ... did any of them still want to be my friend? And unlike most people, they were all people I personally knew, plus actual family and acquaintances ....
Nope. Had three people respond. My best friend commenting on something unrelated, Virtual Daughter 5's sister - whom was apparently a follower (never ever heard of her!) and surprising to me, one of my guys from many years ago!
And my best friend? Doubt they even noticed I was no longer there, since they were talking about something else. Yeah, and that is my best friend, it seems no longer and I have no idea what to do with them - it has shattered me and I have no response other than tears. Yeah, not a lot left of me I fear.
So sad.
The rest of the weekend was a might disappointing. I was told to put my Fitbit on my shoe and when I got home - yeah, no longer on the shoe - it had popped out of its mount. Sigh ... I can only hope someone will find it and turn it in to lost and found... Sigh.
But, I did get a replacement and wore it on Sunday. I will get my account set up on Monday so the VA can track Kris' hop, skip and falls! LOL.
I did a long drive, 174 miles on Saturday - a sort of endurance test for my left foot, since I am stuck driving with it. It did get mighty tired and I am really uncomfortable driving downhill and in traffic. Otherwise okay. Slept okay for a few hours until THE dream reoccurred - same dream now every night since October 17th. Worse part is, in that dream is where I know I belong and it is seemingly only a dream and unattainable in this lifetime it seems. I know where I belong and there is NOTHING I can do about it!
(Mid-morning update: so got some less than friendly words from my friend, then some friendly, but the essence is good bye and have a nice life. Been waiting for that one for a while, all of the evidences were there that this would be true, but I like to have things explained. Though I do like to know why stuff like this happens - sigh ... )
And I am now at a point of despair. I would just prefer now to have never made that choice in 2015 for life - death is far more to be preferred than this misery I slog through. I pin my hopes on God and always have, and I thought God had rewarded me for being faithful through much misery - but then it seems not for now, or perhaps ever in this life. I can now understand other's discouragement I have talked with. Do I keep blogging, or just chuck it, along with all of my worthless life ..... ? I have no idea at this moment in time.
Sigh ...
Nope. Had three people respond. My best friend commenting on something unrelated, Virtual Daughter 5's sister - whom was apparently a follower (never ever heard of her!) and surprising to me, one of my guys from many years ago!
And my best friend? Doubt they even noticed I was no longer there, since they were talking about something else. Yeah, and that is my best friend, it seems no longer and I have no idea what to do with them - it has shattered me and I have no response other than tears. Yeah, not a lot left of me I fear.
So sad.
The rest of the weekend was a might disappointing. I was told to put my Fitbit on my shoe and when I got home - yeah, no longer on the shoe - it had popped out of its mount. Sigh ... I can only hope someone will find it and turn it in to lost and found... Sigh.
But, I did get a replacement and wore it on Sunday. I will get my account set up on Monday so the VA can track Kris' hop, skip and falls! LOL.
I did a long drive, 174 miles on Saturday - a sort of endurance test for my left foot, since I am stuck driving with it. It did get mighty tired and I am really uncomfortable driving downhill and in traffic. Otherwise okay. Slept okay for a few hours until THE dream reoccurred - same dream now every night since October 17th. Worse part is, in that dream is where I know I belong and it is seemingly only a dream and unattainable in this lifetime it seems. I know where I belong and there is NOTHING I can do about it!
(Mid-morning update: so got some less than friendly words from my friend, then some friendly, but the essence is good bye and have a nice life. Been waiting for that one for a while, all of the evidences were there that this would be true, but I like to have things explained. Though I do like to know why stuff like this happens - sigh ... )
And I am now at a point of despair. I would just prefer now to have never made that choice in 2015 for life - death is far more to be preferred than this misery I slog through. I pin my hopes on God and always have, and I thought God had rewarded me for being faithful through much misery - but then it seems not for now, or perhaps ever in this life. I can now understand other's discouragement I have talked with. Do I keep blogging, or just chuck it, along with all of my worthless life ..... ? I have no idea at this moment in time.
Sigh ...
August 6, 2016
Musical Saturday Morning
I can never listen to this song without thinking of that horrible movie, Revenge of the Nerds. Of course, I had to see it - I am the original nerd! Well, along with Dutchman and Swede.
So, although recorded in 1979, I think this still qualifies for the 1980's since it sure never made it to America in 1979! And it turns out I was right! I always said that Gary Numan is Autistic - and it turns out he is! Too weird...
So, although recorded in 1979, I think this still qualifies for the 1980's since it sure never made it to America in 1979! And it turns out I was right! I always said that Gary Numan is Autistic - and it turns out he is! Too weird...
August 5, 2016
Fitbit
Back before my trip to Colorado to see if my mean, cruel, ex-stepmother was settling in well into her new residence in Westcliffe, I had a leg rebuild and a foot replacement - thanks to a psycho driver whom really wanted to run me over! While I was in the office, hopping around, I picked up a pile of brochures to read through.
A few of them were on job opportunities, well Kris does need to make a buck after-all, if I am ever to get out of debt! Most of the flyers were old and the studies were closed, but there was one for the Veterans Administration which was still open. I hated to make the call to find out but, as I said, I want out of debt! And they hired me for the study!
Well, it took a few months for their slow wheels to turn.
The study is to see how well an amputee does with a Fitbit. Never heard of it, other than from internet friend Kelly, never even seen one before! So, it has arrived and viola! No instructions!
I clipped it on to my shoe, no idea what else to do with it!
So, for the next two years I will be wearing this little thing and somehow be sending in my data ever so often. It will not pay much but pennies are pennies after all!
Best part is, the next test, if I want to do it - is an articulated ankle test!
Yesssssssssssssssssss!!!!!!!!!
A few of them were on job opportunities, well Kris does need to make a buck after-all, if I am ever to get out of debt! Most of the flyers were old and the studies were closed, but there was one for the Veterans Administration which was still open. I hated to make the call to find out but, as I said, I want out of debt! And they hired me for the study!
Well, it took a few months for their slow wheels to turn.
The study is to see how well an amputee does with a Fitbit. Never heard of it, other than from internet friend Kelly, never even seen one before! So, it has arrived and viola! No instructions!
I clipped it on to my shoe, no idea what else to do with it!
So, for the next two years I will be wearing this little thing and somehow be sending in my data ever so often. It will not pay much but pennies are pennies after all!
Best part is, the next test, if I want to do it - is an articulated ankle test!
Yesssssssssssssssssss!!!!!!!!!
August 4, 2016
Oxycodone
I tell you, life on Oxycodone is just about impossible! I hate the stuff, it leaves me with massive hangovers that last most of the following day - all without the partying the night before! Oh ugh!
But, it is the only thing which will cut the incredible pain in Mr. Stumpie this infection has brought!
Swelling is way down, enough so, that I was able to wear my leg for five hours - but the next day, the swelling returned with a vengeance. So back to drugs and scooter :( it took 5! pills just to get me to bedtime! And now I am so hungover, all I want to do is spend the day face down in the toilet. Lord, I hate this painkiller!
But, I have been able to spend about three hours a day for the past week on my next painting, the drawing and layout all are done, the paints selected, now if I can just be stable enough to paint this afternoon?
And to really complicate things for me, this physical battle has extended into a mental battle I am not able to meet. Past hurts soar to the forefront, questions unanswered now want answers - but there never will be answers I fear. Just memories in my tormented dreams and current waking hours. Then I was to see that 110 friends disappeared on FaceBook again. I guess I should not be surprised - welcome to my nightmare!
Oh well, an incredibly disappointing year, a horrible summer, a horrible month, a horrible week, a devastating day for me emotionally. I quite literally - just give up ... I wonder how many of those will even notice I have been lost on FB? Guess we can judge by friend requests I will get or not .
ARGH!
But, it is the only thing which will cut the incredible pain in Mr. Stumpie this infection has brought!
Swelling is way down, enough so, that I was able to wear my leg for five hours - but the next day, the swelling returned with a vengeance. So back to drugs and scooter :( it took 5! pills just to get me to bedtime! And now I am so hungover, all I want to do is spend the day face down in the toilet. Lord, I hate this painkiller!
But, I have been able to spend about three hours a day for the past week on my next painting, the drawing and layout all are done, the paints selected, now if I can just be stable enough to paint this afternoon?
And to really complicate things for me, this physical battle has extended into a mental battle I am not able to meet. Past hurts soar to the forefront, questions unanswered now want answers - but there never will be answers I fear. Just memories in my tormented dreams and current waking hours. Then I was to see that 110 friends disappeared on FaceBook again. I guess I should not be surprised - welcome to my nightmare!
Oh well, an incredibly disappointing year, a horrible summer, a horrible month, a horrible week, a devastating day for me emotionally. I quite literally - just give up ... I wonder how many of those will even notice I have been lost on FB? Guess we can judge by friend requests I will get or not .
ARGH!
August 3, 2016
Be Courageous
So, doing way too much thinking as of late, figuring things out in my life. Not a lot of fun. But, now what do I do?
Really, what are any of us to, whether we know our issues or not? We all face problems, with or without additional issues, so there must be something we are to do - one way or another .....
There are plenty of examples in the Bible about people whom faced challenges, issues and problems I can easily see as being insurmountable! So, I looked for an example ...
I have always had respect for Joshua. Not only did he seem to do well by God, but he faced some horrible situations being thrust upon! Yeah, God used him ...
Joshua 1:1-9
Go Where God Tells You
In verses 1 and 2, Joshua is being told to go into the unknown.
Journeying into the unknown always requires faith.
Lots of faith.
God likes it when we are forced to live by faith and not our own strength!
Know and Obey God's Word
If you do not know God's voice, you can not hear Him.
If you do not know you Bible, you will never hear God's voice.
If you hear and do not do - God will abandon you to your folly.
Obeying means that you live it and practice it!
Obedience is what God does expect from you!
God Is always With You
Verse 9 sums it up nicely.
If we are called by His name, He is with us.
If we are doing His will, He is with us, even unto martyrdom.
If we are not doing His will, He will watch us fail and wait for us to call on Him.
If we are not called by name, well He waits for you to call on Him for salvation.
So, I can see that if I am His, if I am willing to do His will, He will be with me in what I do for Him that He has called me to.
So, I need to be courageous in facing life ...
Really, what are any of us to, whether we know our issues or not? We all face problems, with or without additional issues, so there must be something we are to do - one way or another .....
There are plenty of examples in the Bible about people whom faced challenges, issues and problems I can easily see as being insurmountable! So, I looked for an example ...
I have always had respect for Joshua. Not only did he seem to do well by God, but he faced some horrible situations being thrust upon! Yeah, God used him ...
Joshua 1:1-9
Go Where God Tells You
In verses 1 and 2, Joshua is being told to go into the unknown.
Journeying into the unknown always requires faith.
Lots of faith.
God likes it when we are forced to live by faith and not our own strength!
Know and Obey God's Word
If you do not know God's voice, you can not hear Him.
If you do not know you Bible, you will never hear God's voice.
If you hear and do not do - God will abandon you to your folly.
Obeying means that you live it and practice it!
Obedience is what God does expect from you!
God Is always With You
Verse 9 sums it up nicely.
If we are called by His name, He is with us.
If we are doing His will, He is with us, even unto martyrdom.
If we are not doing His will, He will watch us fail and wait for us to call on Him.
If we are not called by name, well He waits for you to call on Him for salvation.
So, I can see that if I am His, if I am willing to do His will, He will be with me in what I do for Him that He has called me to.
So, I need to be courageous in facing life ...
August 2, 2016
Repeated Curse
When I was 20 years old, I started thinking about how horrible things always seemed to happen in and around every July. Yeah, it was in July 1964 when I got the letter from my mother, while at my Danish great-uncle's farm, telling me that I was moving to Germany! I would by far, much rather have stayed the rest of my life with my great-uncle!
And in that same July, I was dropped into a small French village in the Belgium border with Luxembourg! Somehow, Germany became France, but hey, no one every asks me my opinion on anything! And I knew NO French what-so-ever! But, my parents could not have cared less.
July 1965 and my mother cracked up on a trip to Spain, never to return to Earth, even to this day! Fifty-one years later and she still has no concept of reality ... sigh. You simply would not believe.
July 1966 all tarnation had broken out in France and we had to be evacuated to the German border. I could not even go to the funerals for all of my friends, whom were butchered in the uprising! And then the fun started ... I had no, still do not, have a birth certificate. I was born on an American NATO base to a foreign father. So, no one would claim me! And then father's war history had to be evaluated by the German's. Sigh. But, best part was being arrested for not being in school. How could I go to school when I was trapped in no man's land!?!?!?!? My sister and I were lucky to be allowed near the toilet! Aaaaargh!
July 1967 and I was removed from my little village I loved so dearly, to live on a NATO base, safely protected from the Red Menace. But, not so much so, from neurotic American teenagers - I learned how to run real well, get the tar beaten out of me real well, and well, as for bleeding - I was gifted.
and on and on and on!
July was the month, it seemed, life is to be having the rug pulled out from under me was to become the norm. No settling down, no real friends, no possessions, they only would last until July anyway ... I know, waah, waah, waah!
But personal relationships, interestingly, were stuck in the same cycle of loss! Get interested in some female, "POOF!" they would be gone in July, at the latest August! It was amazing. And that was what caught my attention. My high school girl friend of many years, whom I was very serious about - POOF and she was gone! A good friend I made in college - POOF. My first fiancee - POOF. And I stopped and thought about this, it was now August 1975. Three July's in a row, three females I had an interest in - POOF!, in a row.
Was it something I was doing? Was I like a July Were-A-Hole, but normal the rest of the year? No, not that I could understand in any event.
One of my friends in my Bible Study offered that perhaps this was curse and I needed to have it exorcised ... well, that was a rabbit trail as I was to learn.
I always have since enjoyed the other popular default Western Theology reasoning: I was obviously the worse of sinners and being punished every July for my unGodly life of sin ... yeah, right ... I did not have to be from Texas to smell that one!
Another thought, perhaps all of this trauma was something inside of me playing out a situation from long ago. And they were close I think. But, no one had a clue as to what this meant at the time.
A few more July's rolled by. Loss of a best friend, loss of another best friend, fall off a 160 foot cliff - survive but suffer horrible foot injuries. Another year was a car accident that cost me 1.5 inches in height due to spinal compression. The years became a blur but I could never figure out what was driving this weirdness - every single July! It was to the point that I would just disappear in July, see no friends, talk to as few as possible, I even stopped teaching Sunday School in July! But even in hiding, you can still get shellfish poisoning! Almost did kill me - nothing like laying in ER and watching your heart monitor go flat line three times! The crash cart crew got to know me and my sardonic wit rather well! Yeah, I will obviously die a smart ass ...
And today is no different, albeit nothing horrible has happened so far this July, no I am still recovering from June's disasters! But, hey holding my breath because it might come in early August instead!
---
Past experiences result in anger and frustration, building a foundation of failure in our lives.
Repeated behavior - patterns of response to problems in our past? Over and over and over again? Yeah, probably.
Psychologists will tell you that it all goes back to your parents, your unmet needs from them, and then from others as well. Yeah, well my parents never should have had children - I knew that when I was nine years old!
Was there something in my past which programmed me to fail, to always respond the wrong way? Re-enforcing the knowledge that I am a failure, inadequate, unqualified, unlovable ..... ?
But, this reoccurring drama needs to be seen in a slightly more positive light I have learned across the past several years of July failures.
1. Let yourself be drawn closer to God, not pushed away by events!
2. Know that you can not overcome or conquer in your own strength!
3. Focus on the need for the workings of the Holy Spirit!
4. God will show what He can do with as little as you have to work with!
5. Let God be free to use you to His max!
6. Allow God to get all of the glory!
7. Be content in your spirit!
But you do have to allow God to do His work in your life, without your help.
Let inadequacy be the basis for blessing!
Put it all upon God.
Live in faith that He will help you overcome.
Do not look back ...
Do not stop and accept defeat .....
---
And last week, I finally got there, after a lifetime of trying to keep standing from blow after blow. The last one, though was not in a July, but was the lowest of all. I could no longer stand, I have no ability to overcome a blow so low ...
In my pain, I saw it all rolled back to a summer's day, in July 1961, when a neighbor invited me to watch Rocky and Friends, on his new color TV. But, it was how my family reacted - and the police - that broke what had been inside of me. No one believed me, no one cared, I as just the unloved liar ... It took two more destroyed lives before that man was sent to a prison pyscho ward. But by then, no one thought back and said .... hmmmm .... maybe that kid had been right ....
I had been marked for failure ever since.
Well, good to know the starting point, changes nothing other than, I can now understand how that broken kid inside of me has been responding after all of these years to the same trauma. Nor does it excuse my failures before God. Nor does it soften the pain imposed upon me ...
Faith: take a step, faith, take another and continue on - keep realizing that God is driving me - not memories of failures which were never mine to own. And to try and not close myself off from mankind - to continue to be transparent, to be honest, to be available for others. But, I fear that which I so long for, will in the end, never be mine on this Earth ... but that is a tale for another day ...
And in that same July, I was dropped into a small French village in the Belgium border with Luxembourg! Somehow, Germany became France, but hey, no one every asks me my opinion on anything! And I knew NO French what-so-ever! But, my parents could not have cared less.
July 1965 and my mother cracked up on a trip to Spain, never to return to Earth, even to this day! Fifty-one years later and she still has no concept of reality ... sigh. You simply would not believe.
July 1966 all tarnation had broken out in France and we had to be evacuated to the German border. I could not even go to the funerals for all of my friends, whom were butchered in the uprising! And then the fun started ... I had no, still do not, have a birth certificate. I was born on an American NATO base to a foreign father. So, no one would claim me! And then father's war history had to be evaluated by the German's. Sigh. But, best part was being arrested for not being in school. How could I go to school when I was trapped in no man's land!?!?!?!? My sister and I were lucky to be allowed near the toilet! Aaaaargh!
July 1967 and I was removed from my little village I loved so dearly, to live on a NATO base, safely protected from the Red Menace. But, not so much so, from neurotic American teenagers - I learned how to run real well, get the tar beaten out of me real well, and well, as for bleeding - I was gifted.
and on and on and on!
July was the month, it seemed, life is to be having the rug pulled out from under me was to become the norm. No settling down, no real friends, no possessions, they only would last until July anyway ... I know, waah, waah, waah!
But personal relationships, interestingly, were stuck in the same cycle of loss! Get interested in some female, "POOF!" they would be gone in July, at the latest August! It was amazing. And that was what caught my attention. My high school girl friend of many years, whom I was very serious about - POOF and she was gone! A good friend I made in college - POOF. My first fiancee - POOF. And I stopped and thought about this, it was now August 1975. Three July's in a row, three females I had an interest in - POOF!, in a row.
Was it something I was doing? Was I like a July Were-A-Hole, but normal the rest of the year? No, not that I could understand in any event.
One of my friends in my Bible Study offered that perhaps this was curse and I needed to have it exorcised ... well, that was a rabbit trail as I was to learn.
I always have since enjoyed the other popular default Western Theology reasoning: I was obviously the worse of sinners and being punished every July for my unGodly life of sin ... yeah, right ... I did not have to be from Texas to smell that one!
Another thought, perhaps all of this trauma was something inside of me playing out a situation from long ago. And they were close I think. But, no one had a clue as to what this meant at the time.
A few more July's rolled by. Loss of a best friend, loss of another best friend, fall off a 160 foot cliff - survive but suffer horrible foot injuries. Another year was a car accident that cost me 1.5 inches in height due to spinal compression. The years became a blur but I could never figure out what was driving this weirdness - every single July! It was to the point that I would just disappear in July, see no friends, talk to as few as possible, I even stopped teaching Sunday School in July! But even in hiding, you can still get shellfish poisoning! Almost did kill me - nothing like laying in ER and watching your heart monitor go flat line three times! The crash cart crew got to know me and my sardonic wit rather well! Yeah, I will obviously die a smart ass ...
And today is no different, albeit nothing horrible has happened so far this July, no I am still recovering from June's disasters! But, hey holding my breath because it might come in early August instead!
---
Past experiences result in anger and frustration, building a foundation of failure in our lives.
Repeated behavior - patterns of response to problems in our past? Over and over and over again? Yeah, probably.
Psychologists will tell you that it all goes back to your parents, your unmet needs from them, and then from others as well. Yeah, well my parents never should have had children - I knew that when I was nine years old!
Was there something in my past which programmed me to fail, to always respond the wrong way? Re-enforcing the knowledge that I am a failure, inadequate, unqualified, unlovable ..... ?
But, this reoccurring drama needs to be seen in a slightly more positive light I have learned across the past several years of July failures.
1. Let yourself be drawn closer to God, not pushed away by events!
2. Know that you can not overcome or conquer in your own strength!
3. Focus on the need for the workings of the Holy Spirit!
4. God will show what He can do with as little as you have to work with!
5. Let God be free to use you to His max!
6. Allow God to get all of the glory!
7. Be content in your spirit!
But you do have to allow God to do His work in your life, without your help.
Let inadequacy be the basis for blessing!
Put it all upon God.
Live in faith that He will help you overcome.
Do not look back ...
Do not stop and accept defeat .....
---
And last week, I finally got there, after a lifetime of trying to keep standing from blow after blow. The last one, though was not in a July, but was the lowest of all. I could no longer stand, I have no ability to overcome a blow so low ...
In my pain, I saw it all rolled back to a summer's day, in July 1961, when a neighbor invited me to watch Rocky and Friends, on his new color TV. But, it was how my family reacted - and the police - that broke what had been inside of me. No one believed me, no one cared, I as just the unloved liar ... It took two more destroyed lives before that man was sent to a prison pyscho ward. But by then, no one thought back and said .... hmmmm .... maybe that kid had been right ....
I had been marked for failure ever since.
Well, good to know the starting point, changes nothing other than, I can now understand how that broken kid inside of me has been responding after all of these years to the same trauma. Nor does it excuse my failures before God. Nor does it soften the pain imposed upon me ...
Faith: take a step, faith, take another and continue on - keep realizing that God is driving me - not memories of failures which were never mine to own. And to try and not close myself off from mankind - to continue to be transparent, to be honest, to be available for others. But, I fear that which I so long for, will in the end, never be mine on this Earth ... but that is a tale for another day ...
August 1, 2016
Weekend Highlights
Well, I might be limited in what I can do currently, but interesting stuff abounds around me.
Friday, the annual migration of natives from Vancouver Island in Canada, came down in their dugout canoes. This area was/is home to several indian tribes. The Haida and Tlingit are the major ones from the north of us, here the Salish was broken up into numerous smaller tribes based on where they were when the Americans arrived. Always humorous to read about how the Europeans discovered this area when over one million indians already had been living here for about 10,000 years!
Anyway, Friday afternoon, a group of canoes paddled past the house on their way down to Steilcoom, home of another indian tribe. Do some dancing, eat some clams, remember the good old days when they used to roast their slaves and eat them ... oh darn! There I went and said something so horribly politically incorrect! Yeah, those fun loving, in tune with nature types were a little harder on slaves. When in doubt, go capture a Wenatchee or Umatilla indian and fatten them up. One of the reasons that Potlatch was outlawed over one hundred years ago by those mean white-eyes ... and as a Umatilla, well, I am not going to complain. At least my tribe is not known for eating anyone!
So, a few of the some 130 canoes which paddled by:
But, the Canadian visitors are not the only ones to have some fun over the weekend! We had a huge emergency vehicle response Friday night! A local business was called in as being on fire. Of course, it would be a Chinese place and only one of two left in the entire area! Once plentiful, but now taco houses have replaced them!
Yeah, you are looking at every piece of equipment in the area! And, you will note that their does not seem to be any evidence of fire ... Hmmmm ... Yeah, the Chinese place is painted purple ...
All of the smoke it turns out came from a group of motorcycle riders whom were doing "burnouts" behind the restaurant! Well, they all got arrested - so now on top of fines, they get to buy new tires too! Yeah, I am not going to say anything smug, uhm ... I smoked off quite a few tires in my day ...
LOL!
And I began work on my latest painting. I have been working on the layout for about three week now and think I have a good feel for the painting - so now to transfer my design to real paper and breakout the paints!
Friday, the annual migration of natives from Vancouver Island in Canada, came down in their dugout canoes. This area was/is home to several indian tribes. The Haida and Tlingit are the major ones from the north of us, here the Salish was broken up into numerous smaller tribes based on where they were when the Americans arrived. Always humorous to read about how the Europeans discovered this area when over one million indians already had been living here for about 10,000 years!
Anyway, Friday afternoon, a group of canoes paddled past the house on their way down to Steilcoom, home of another indian tribe. Do some dancing, eat some clams, remember the good old days when they used to roast their slaves and eat them ... oh darn! There I went and said something so horribly politically incorrect! Yeah, those fun loving, in tune with nature types were a little harder on slaves. When in doubt, go capture a Wenatchee or Umatilla indian and fatten them up. One of the reasons that Potlatch was outlawed over one hundred years ago by those mean white-eyes ... and as a Umatilla, well, I am not going to complain. At least my tribe is not known for eating anyone!
So, a few of the some 130 canoes which paddled by:
But, the Canadian visitors are not the only ones to have some fun over the weekend! We had a huge emergency vehicle response Friday night! A local business was called in as being on fire. Of course, it would be a Chinese place and only one of two left in the entire area! Once plentiful, but now taco houses have replaced them!
Yeah, you are looking at every piece of equipment in the area! And, you will note that their does not seem to be any evidence of fire ... Hmmmm ... Yeah, the Chinese place is painted purple ...
All of the smoke it turns out came from a group of motorcycle riders whom were doing "burnouts" behind the restaurant! Well, they all got arrested - so now on top of fines, they get to buy new tires too! Yeah, I am not going to say anything smug, uhm ... I smoked off quite a few tires in my day ...
LOL!
And I began work on my latest painting. I have been working on the layout for about three week now and think I have a good feel for the painting - so now to transfer my design to real paper and breakout the paints!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)