Father

I have spent an awful lot of time working on the mystery of my father.
I have little brain power as it is these days,
So, I have exhausted myself working through what I know,
About him,
Contrasting with what I know about humanity.

In the final analysis, I guess I can finally understand his downward spiral.
He chose poorly as a youth, hopping on the Nazi bandwagon.
He lied to get into Germany during the war.
He lied to get project assignments.
He had to lie to just maintain his status quo.
He had to have been driven by sheer arrogance!
But that is the Nazi way.

His only redemption was his natural analytical ability.
And beyond me, his talent in mathematics.

And more lies when captured by the British.
And more lies when captured by the Americans.
And on and on across a lifetime of lies.
Each compounding the others.
Until he no longer could keep track of what he told whom!
And that should indicate he was driven by fear now.

He may have not even known the truth any longer!

Since all of father's marriages were roughly ten years in length,
I am guessing that ten is his time limit of lie telling!

And his lies made him unable to trust others.
And without trust he could never let his guard down.
Hence not know love, even if he were capable of it.

In the end, father lived a very solitary life,
Intersected by eight wives.
He desired relationship but had no idea how to pursue one.
All he knew was how to pursue physical relationships.
 But, the time I tried to have an adult discussion with him about love,
Came to no avail.I was speaking a foreign language to him!
But at least he recognized I wanted to help him.....

It is perhaps poignant to note that I think I am finally past him,
Done away with his controlling my brain and anger,
On what would have been his birthday, today.

An interesting coincidence.
I think, I finally have it figured out !
A true first in my short life.