New Years

Finally able to sit down and do some writing for a change.

New Years Eve was fairly calm.  Gaelic Girl needed someone to go with her to a party with some of her crafting friends.  I know their names, I know one of their husbands well, the rest not so much.

We played games.  I am not a real big one with games because I seriously have no interest in mindless activities.  But, it seems that oh so many humans are addicted to game playing, so we played.  Word games were interesting because A) my knowledge of English is not complete; B) my knowledge of English is English, not American; C) my mind is quicker than most - so i can experience a hundred rejected ideas and still arrive at what might be an answer in an allotted time.  Just the mechanics of the brain - nothing to be proud about.

In a crowd, especially around strangers, I am the clown.  I do not want anyone to see me, to know me, or to "get in".  And so all had a great time, while my spirit broke.  It is hard living without what I need, what my new nature needs, and I am not in an environment where it is even accessible.  But, one day, perhaps.

It was fun to witness lessons I had learned from daughter replayed over and over again during the night.  Hard to explain, for I learned from her about walls and about acceptance.  It was interesting to see the walls there, it was interesting to see whom did secretly accept me.  I doubt even they realized how their natures betrayed them.  Just as those other smiling friendly faces never betrayed their walls against me. 

No acceptance is really mine.  I know this now.  I know I am not in a place where God would have me, yet I am without option at the moment.  Between my leg and foot, plus my damaged heart, little could be called upon by me for help.  But, then, that is what God specializes in ...

:)