Hopelessness

This year has been hard.  I try to put on a brave face but I died physically in July and finally in my spirit a weeks ago.  I only had one reason to undergo the surgeries and all of the fallout from them - I had hope in a future I could cling to - if I survived ...  But, it seems that was a hope in vain, for the last of my hope was stolen from me as well.

It is hard to struggle on, in constant pain, when you realize there is no longer any reason to go on.  The brave face and the humor I hide behind should betray my struggle but no one it seems ever really knew me.  Just a clown, to have demands made of him for which he has no ability, no energy, nor desire for life left to rise up to meet.  No one helps, no one comforts, no one is even near 99% of the time.  And so very much alone day after day after day, ad nauseam is very wearing.

James' memory plagues me.  He chose the easy way out - I still think it was wrong of him to end his life as he did.  Sure family is covered by lots of life insurance but he damaged his wife and teenage daughter badly, scars which will last a lifetime.  I see his wife off and on, a random message on Facebook, there are no words which can be said by me.  I am a visible reminder of James to her, and his struggles.  Sometimes, late at night, I wonder ... didn't he actually choose wisely, given the situation?  He could have done the surgeries, suffered through the inevitable problems as I am.  He had youth on his side, heck he probably would be out of physical therapy by now, rather than struggling with death.

I am not considering suicide, I have no interest in calling God's bluff.  But, conversely, James is with God, at peace, where I long to be ...  To be made perfect, to know no pain anymore, to bask in the Glory of God.  To visit with those whom intrigue me (David, John, Jonah,  Esarhaddon - did he make it? ...).  All this James has.  And yet ...

What is the value of life?  Yes, to bring God glory.  Is there glory in my suffering?  I doubt it.  God surely does not sit up there and say, "Hey, James, check out Kris down there taking a beating reserved for just a select few!" or, "Hey, James, that could be you!  Don't know what  you gave up there lad!"

And yet, it is in the nature of man to grasp on to hope, even in the face of hopelessness, that it will get better, that we do not suffer in vain, that there could even be a Job sort of blessing on the other side!  Then again, there might not be anything other than hope, the eternal one I mentioned earlier - healing, peace and to be comforted.  Maybe whatever I will be a year from now, required this path to be followed - and I have NO vision or idea of whom that person is or will be!  I currently do not even understand how this in anyway serves God.  (But, it sure is making a mess out of me!)

So, as I end this post, I think back on Romans, chapter 5:

• ³ Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance;  
• ⁴ perseverance, character; and character, hope.  
• ⁵ And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.