Waiting

Do you like to wait?  I sure know that I am not fond of it, it seems to be all I do anymore!

I have a shirt tail cousin in Craig, Colorado whom sends me daily a litany of weird FaceBook type postings.  More than once I have blocked her from sending me things because she will fill up your inbox with hundreds of things a day!  Then she gets unhappy and I relent and suddenly I am buried under photographs of puppies, kittens, flowers and rainbows all with cute sayings, she obviously never thought through!  ARRRRRGGGGHHHH!

So, today I got one, from her pastor to her, along the line of "If you love life, send this to a friend."  Apparently, I am her friend.  ARRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!

But, I thought about it.  "Love Life", what is there to love?

If every minute of everyday is filled with physical pain, what is there to love?
If every minute of everyday you long for compassion, friendship, love - and there is none to be found, what is there to love?
If every minute of everyday is fill with a longing to just be allowed to disappear, but the demands placed upon you will not allow you to, what is there to love?

Yeah, I know that sounds depressing and would flag me as a suicide candidate (I am not!) but it is the reality I have lived with for over a decade.

Sure there have been moments of ecstasy across this decade but by and large it seems that for every good moment will come at least a year' or more's worth of rejection and validation that I truly suck as far as all others are concerned.  Then someone will pop up and give me a positive stroke and the cycle repeats itself it seems without end.  sigh ...

What am I waiting for?  God to move, to do something with me, to start  me towards a future!  Sure, I am in a period of recovery and healing but I am doing nothing else - and I long to be used - to be of value to someone, in some context. :(

And, I sit and wait.  I have no choice.  There is no "Get up and go do something!" option here.  No job, no car, no cash, no opportunities.  I seem to excel at babysitting (which is okay, I love my grandchildren!) but that is hardly of great value except to my daughters so they can save money to take trips with.  sigh ...

And as I type this, I am waiting for a late Swede.  He wants to get together and go do something - as yet undefined.  Which means I must be making tuna sandwiches and we will watch a video if I can not talk him into Pride, Prejudice and Zombies ...