Full Circle

It was not a pleasant weekend.
A visitor I expected, apparently saw no need to follow up on seeing me.
I am greatly distressed - I had set up the week with plenty of free time to meet with their schedule.
Just one more attack on my already below zero sense of value.
But, as life around me passes by, I know I am just yesterday's news, being me sucks ...
A conclusion I came to earlier this year is that I trust far too easily and believe in people, when there is no basis for trust or belief to exist apparently.
Nicely re-enforced. 
Sigh ...

I have been praying a great deal that God would please do something, anything!, with me!  I am starved for even an easy task to perform.
A last assignment would be perfect, then He can snuff this existence out.
But, in the meanwhile, something of value I can do is greatly desired.
And God on Saturday showed me that He has not been distant, silent or inactive on my request ...

One of "my girls" from a little over a decade ago got in touch with me.
She was a fragile flower as a teenage girl - oh the tears she soaked my sweaters and tee-shirts with!  Yeah, a hard life, a very hard life ...  Then she just disappeared.
But, I never stopped praying for her!  And I when told my old co-worker and contact for all things female in the youth group, she instantly told me that she never stopped praying for that young lady either!  In fact just that morning she had been thinking of her.

All of these years later, this young lady pops back up, reminding me of my youth ministry (which I have no memory of!) and I have not been able to have a part in for three years now due to my health.  I do not feel sad or empty, I was elated that someone had remembered me kindly and contacted me when I was feeling rather down!

And again: There are no coincidences in life.

And this triggered a flood of memories - convoluted, random, incomplete ones.  More garbage to play with in my mind I thought.
Then a few hours later, a someone whom left my life long ago popped up.  Now this was truly random, no reason to contact me and then I remembered - there are no coincidences.

Friday, the old friend sent a note which laid out what was on their mind ...

I was horrified, I wanted to throw up, I hated to know how someone I knew, much less cared about, had been broken so many decades ago - so badly.  And had never said a word ...

And it all made sense.  Back in 2013, maybe 2014, I went through the trauma of decoding myself.  I saw me as God saw me, I understood me as God understood me and Brother Timothy was standing by to dial 911.  He really did not expect me to survive, but I did, no matter how terrible it was.

To face damage done to me as a child, which no adult would believe, which no adult would comfort.  And that created a hardness in me that even I could not crack.  But, God works quietly and slowly to bring you where He wants you.

Because the modern paganism we live under in this culture is not Christianity, it is not the way to God - it is the road away from God.  And I want God in my life, on my side, using me.

And I now I understand He had to break me, in order to use me more.

This weekend I can see in full circle.  Where 52 years of fouling up brought me.  Where 44 years as a Christian have grown me in knowledge and desire.  Why all of my knowledge had to be stripped away from me:
I know what this person must do to approach God!

(sorry American believers, salvation and life are not as easy as your theology wants you to blindly believe!)
But, this time I am at the disadvantage.
If I am to help, which apparently I must, this has the potential to be my last assignment.  This is not quick, easy, nor without significant stress and it forces me to deal with things in my past forgotten long ago and not dealt with either.
Though I know I have mentioned it in passing a few years ago here.


And this young lady popping up, was a clue apparently into what the lost friend has gone through.  I was able to have empathy/sympathy for her, so apparently I must with the lost one as well.

But this is all fodder for later in 2017, I still have to survive surgery on January 18th ...

And perhaps nothing will come of this or perhaps everything well .....