Squandered Blessings

Last week, while I was in the cardiac unit of my neighborhood hospital, I had gone prepared to read, having brought piles of books and magazines.  However, no reading was accomplished because I was so stressed out that the ER doctor hit me with morphine and flattened me for two days!  But, I had plenty of time to think in my fuzzy haze of reality.

I thought on my life and the massive failure in it I have become.  Unlike in previous years, I can now understand the how and whys of it.  It is good having a friend whom is more knowledgeable than myself in what I am totally blind in.  And it seems weekly I am gaining more and more understanding of my failures, about others, me, and the future.  Things were so much simpler when I was "not normal" and did not know any differently.

After my release, a friend picked me up at the hospital, took me to dinner and a thought continued it echoing in my mind:

God has blessed me mightily in my lifetime and continues to do so.

Now, knowing how dumb I can be:

Do I utilize or squander the blessings God gives to me?

That thought intrigued me.  It is also in parallel with the question my communications guy asked me a few weeks ago, "God gave you a brilliant mind and for the whole of your life you have used it to hide and appear normal.  But, now you are freeing yourself of that requirement, so what are you going to do with it?  How can that brain now be used to glorify God?"

Yeah, he sucks in his ability to ask the appropriate questions ....

As far as the brain is concerned, that is God's problem.  If He shows me what to do with it, I will be obedient.  But I am not going to wrestle with how to solve the world's problems unless I have to, I have too many of my own I am clueless concerning ...

But God's blessings, do I squander them?

God has blessed me richly through my lifetime and yeah, because of my breakage, I had no clue concerning tomorrow, it could come or not.  So, little was ever laid up or saved.  I did support many missions, missionaries, youth programs, camps, evangelical radio ministries - all over the world.  Some failed, some succeeded.  I always attempted to choose wisely in where and how to invest in ministry.  But, was perhaps not very good with the personal side of things.

I could have retired at 28 and lived very well until I died.  I did think of it, but I enjoyed working with computers and saw no real reason to drop out and lay on a beach somewhere.  Instead I invested everything into a new Australian opal field.  With my sister and step-mother, we sunk over $57m; one of our friends poured in an additional $100m.  And then the only recorded rains in that region came, in all of their history.  Helicopters had to be used to get everyone out from what was to become Australia's largest fresh-water lake.  We now own the bottom of it, Australia declared it a national recreational site, turned down our right of way request to drain it with 200 miles of pipes and sent a nice thank you letter.

After that, I never worried about saving unless it was for a goal: trips, toys, etc.  I used all of my retirement funds when I adopted my children - but I never have counted that as a cost but as a wise expenditure.  If you look at their lives, you might wince, but they know right from wrong now, so I gave them what they needed for life ... the rest is between them and God.

I invested in many youth through the years.  Like my children, some got it and succeeded, some not so much.

I even count these years of "failure" as a blessing.  Stripped of almost everything of the past, it has freed me up to address needed change in my life as I grow into something God is creating within me.  And I am seeing that I am applying God's daily blessings in interactions with others.  I am growing wiser in what is the meaning of life, the universe and everything (with help).

And yet, Brian's comment about my brain echos ...  God has not given me any special purpose at this time or even a hint of what to do with it.  I write "poetry", randomly work on my book, try not to fight with people, pray exceedingly for those whom God lays on my heart, and make lists of all I must do in the next 60 days.  No, not much time to reflect on deep thoughts right now.

I think I have done maybe average at not squandering what God has given me (?).  I now see so much clearly what I could have done, should have done in the past.  Yeah, but it was not the me that exists today, back then, so hard to quantify how God might see that one.

And like you, I have the ability to do better.  Today, after-all, is the first day of the rest of my life ...