For my readers whom know me, know the full stories behind many of my posts, know the turmoil in my life across the past five years - this video will seem wholly inappropriate.
Yes, these years have been filled with incredible pain and quite a bit of humiliation. And yet, even at that, I remain, as Brother Timothy said, "... that guy with the really annoying rosy outlook on life ...". Generally, even in the face of heart stopping stress, the minute by minute condemnation by those I "loved", the utter failure to achieve anything other than my next heart attack ... As I always said, if life gives me lemons, I made lemon meringue pie ... and now I get to suck them.
But, I still see the big picture. I see that Satan would not move so boldly against me unless I am headed in the right direction. I doubt he will succeed in killing me, but I knew when I was called to change my path in 2011 it would cost me everything. If I am doing what God requires, then any sacrifice is justified by Him on my part, if anything, I owe Him everything. Well, and anything I have He gave me in the first place. And yet, even in my dreams, Satan stalks my heart. One of the lowest blows came last Thursday night, when in a dream I was reminded of what God was trying to do and how ineffectual I really am. But, God saw to awaken me and help me realize what had just happened and to get a nitro in me!
And there have been moments of utter joy between the tears and sorrow, and numerous hospitalizations. Joy as I have never known happiness to be. Joy, as poets write about, but I could never understand, because I could never experience nor was even created to recognize it.
As I write this, some weeks earlier than this post, I was just through another heart stopping episode as my life continues to spiral down to it final conclusion I have awaited for oh so long. Incapable of stopping, not willing to be my father, yet seeing the new path for so long and never willing to step on it until God finally pushes me face down and rubs my nose in it!
Will there be Happy-iness? Most certainly on that path because it is alive and most assuredly leads to my own death (I am pretty sure).
Will there be trauma and heartache and hardship? Heck yes! I am still alive and those things plague mankind, all of us in all of our situations.
Will there be adventures? Yes, but adventure of another sort, a type I have never known.
Do I know for sure? Yup, everything God told me in 2011 continues to march forward, at least for me (and without any help from me!). For those whom fought what they knew, well, their loss at what never will be for them. It has amazed me at how like dominoes things move right along without explanation, help or even effort from me - towards a day several years still from now. And yes, that does scare me somewhat because I do not know what is God's Determinative Will and what was Permissive.
And I would wish for all whom I have ever known, friend and foe alike, the happiness I discovered - in the midst of the tragedy of my life. If even for 15 minutes, their lives would all be dramatically changed.
The funny thing about scheduling a post, in the midst of a continuing episode of heart failure: you do not know if you will live to see it posted. Yeah, it is getting that bad. Although I continue to look forward to continuing usage by God, it will take another miracle to make me strong enough to survive to that appointment I was shown. So, in a way, this is a thank you to the one whom was used to show and share with me that happiness. Yes, it was all God, but it never could have been successful without their willingness to be used by God for something wholly weird from the human viewpoint.
I stand amazed and very happy ....
:)
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