One Hard Year

Not complaining, just observing.
Life throws me curves, I struggle to remain standing.
Satan on the other hand, hammers me.
And life is on my knees.

I ache.
Nothing is as it should be.
Not even Hitchcock could write something weirder.
Maybe Wagner though .....

I was jolted out of bed this morning by a memory of a spring day long ago.
1965, Laon, France, where I went to school with a bunch of other NATO BRATS.
Nobody liked Germans, I was the lone German, guess whom the butt of the jokes was!
Little ditties like:

"Roses are red,
"Violets are blue,
"No one will ever,
"Love you ..."

Yeah, dorks stand out in a crowd, even in fifth grade.
And all females avoid dorks.
Her name was Daphne Summers (Sommers?), one of two crushes in my life.
I really liked her because her eyes did not match and she was not "in" with the pack.
Like all others, she never knew the dork existed, except as a target.

And a lifetime later, I can still remember the taunts, the insults, the random hits upside the head with a brick (literally, several times!). 
How Daphne would laugh.
And I had trusted her.
Then there were the guys ...

I was listening to Level 42 today, a big mistake.
Their song, Something About You, calls to my spirit, to know such a feeling ...
No, not the carnal parts of the song, but the emotion - the knowledge of belonging.
The trust, the closeness, the sharing.
Yeah, not ever going to happen - I gave up.
I know: too old, too broken, too much a dork, too what-ever.

Jessamine, a friend, asked me what is up - because she knows it has been a hard year.
I told her what was down.
She told me, there is always hope.
I told her I can't see how.
She bought me an ice cream ...

"How - how can it be that a love
Carved out of caring fashioned by fate
Could suffer so hard
From the games played much too often
But making mistakes is a part
Of life's imperfections born of the years
Is it so wrong to be human after all

Drawn into the stream
Of undefined illusion
Those diamond dreams
They can't disguise the truth
That there is something about you
Baby so right
I wouldn't be without you baby tonight

If ever our love was concealed
No one can say that we didn't feel
A million things
And a perfect dream of life
Gone, fragile but free
We remain tender together
If not so in love
It's not so wrong
We're only human after all

These changing years
They add to your confusion
Oh and you need to hear the time
That told the truth
That there is something about you
Baby so right
Don't want to be without you
Baby tonight
Because there's something about you
Baby so right
I couldn't live without you
Baby tonight

And there's something about you
I couldn't live without you
Tonight"

After I wrote this, God's Spirit quietly comforted me in my pain and loneliness.
And I prayed for my source of pain: happiness, love and completion.
All things I would have given.
But am denied.